#1
Something new and experimental.


Mushrooms and Marzipan


It’s two in the afternoon
and I’m already feeling lonely;
A craving like that of a drink in the morning,
that quick sip that somehow directs the nerves away.
So I call Melanie up
just to see how she is, whether she wants to go for coffee or not.

Although I know her response will always be the same,
I still worry that the “I’d love to” will not hold it’s own
once she finds true love.

It’s soon three o’clock as we sip the coffees we ordered
and I lick away at the marzipan on the plate that fell from the cake.

And then it hits.

I grab my stomach like a mother grasping her child
at the crossing of a road.

I crumble to the floor as my vision blurs.

She leans over me in panic
and her hair tickles my lips.

I can here her shouting and feel her shaking me,
but all I can think about is her breasts, briefly slipping in and out from her bra.
I lie there,
waiting,
hoping,
and I die.


It’s two weeks later and I’m a spec of dust.
I flutter over my corpse in the morgue
and notice what the doctors are saying as they
slide my body into freezing.

“Yeah, when we checked the flat,
we noticed he had a large meal of mushrooms before he left the house.
The post-mortem suggested that the mushrooms had reacted with the marzipan.”

I smile as wide as my tiny face allows
and picture a friend
naked.


Digitally Clean
#2
Great.

Although, after a short spurt of research, I find no evidence to support the fact that mushrooms react with marzipan. (Although if you google the titular phrase, this thread is the 3rd result!) Am I looking too literally, meant to take a deeper look at things, or is this idea irrelevant, and forcing me to observe other, more intricate parts?

The end could have been more built up, more held back with tension. The line break between friend and naked feels a bit like "half-arsed" attempt to do that, not really committing to anything. I'd try a double space, or have naked in a new sentence. Or both.

If you could get on "rain", I would be thankful. No doubt I will be back to this, but whether I say anything or not is a completely different matter.
Last edited by ginjaninja at Dec 30, 2008,
#4
nice work. you said this was experimental but I could still feel your style blowing through the crack of the door. as usual I have nothing productive to say for you but it was a very pleasing read so thank you.
#5
This is a good piece with an epic title. The romantic interest and the main story don't seem to have any relation to each other, however.
On second thought, maybe the mushrooms represent the character's normal life and the marzipan his crush on his friend... and he just can't bear it anymore, so he dies from the mix?
... or maybe i'm making up meanings where there aren't any. In any case, I really like it. Refreshing.
#7
THis, i think, is how you should be writing. THis was the perfect blend of your personality and good storytelling, and for once you had a bit of wit to allow us to connect with you. THis was very enjoyable, Dan.
#8
Thanks a bunch folks, I really appreciate you all.

Sam, I also did research and nothing was mentioned about the two foods reacting badly, particularly causing death. But a very intelligent friend had told me that there are certain properties in mushrooms that, when eaten in large quantities, will react with a certain chemical in marzipan and will stop your heart. Which is perfect really because it is just the metaphor that I have been searching for for about six months; something that shows the difficulty in having a relationship with a girl, without having sex. There are so few men that actually have friends that are girls and have not, at some point, desired to bed them, and that's what I wanted to explain. But also that when you do actually find that friendship, that having sex could destroy it.
There are many other points but I'm not going to name them all, it would ruin things.

Thanks again.
#11
I don't know. I read this when you first wrote it, and I came back to it now, and I still don't know.


I'll come back again.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#12
I enjoyed everything before and after this part:

Quote by AngryGoldfish

And then it hits.

I grab my stomach like a mother grasping her child
at the crossing of a road.

This was working too hard for an analogy that isn't all that important, and the images were too far apart to work together well. Short and sweat would be best.

I crumble to the floor as my vision blurs.

Here's where the contradictions with the next few lines starts.


She leans over me in panic
and her hair tickles my lips.

You wouldn't be feeling her hair on your lips if you were in that much pain and at a loss of sense. Completely ruins the practicality of the situation and now it's hard to take seriously. Even if you added this in to break the urgency, it just doesn't make sense.


I can here her shouting and feel her shaking me,
but all I can think about is her breasts, briefly slipping in and out from her bra.

This was less out there. If you were introducing it as the first abstract thought of death (i.e. get rid of the hair line) then I think it would work. Right now it's on the edge because it proceeds the other one.

Digitally Clean


Good read, easy to swallow, wrapped up nicely.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#13
im not sure how i felt about tis one. I dont really feel it set to music, even when I'm keeping the whole experimental thing in mind, but who am i to judge your work, because for all i know you could pull out the next big thing with this song.
the words were great, although the last line confused me a bit, but maybe thats what you were going for.
i give it a 3.5 out of 5, but since i think 5 is a bit low, i think it would be about a 7.5/10
#14
great story. It seemed like he was kinda happy falling over and looking at her breasticles.
one question were these mushrooms the trippy kind?
I've one time wrote poetry tripping and it came out so dark and bold. I lost the paper otherwise i'd post it.