#1
Give us your best pub/bar jokes.

A potato walks into a pub and asks for a meat pie. The barman replies 'Sorry, we don't serve food.'

And to get BB out of the way before MoleMania comes in....

Three fellowes wenten into a pubbe,
and gleefully their hands did rubbe,
in expectation of revelry,
for 'twas the hour known as "happy".

Great bottels of wine did they quaff,
and had a really good laugh,
'til drunkenness held full dominion,
for 'twas two for the price of one.

Yet after wine and mead and sack,
man must have a massive snack.

Great pasties from Cornwall,
Scottish eggs - round, like a ball.

Great hams, quails, duck and geese,
they suck-ed the bones and drank the grease.

One fellowe stood all pale and wan,
for he was a vegetarian.

Yet man knoweth that gluttony,
stoketh the fire of lechery.

Upon three young wenches, round and sly
the fellowes cast on wanton eye.

One did approach, with drunken wink,
"Allo darlin' - fancy a drink?"

Soon they court them on their knee,
'twas like some grotesque puppetry.

Such was the lewdness and debauchery,
'twas like a sketch by Dick Emery,
(except the Dick Emery is not yet born,
so that comparison may not be drawn).

But then the fellowes began to pale,
for quail are not the friend of ale.

And in their bellies much confusion,
from their throats vile extrusion.
stinking, foul corruption,
came spewing forth from drooling lips.

The foetid stench did fill the pubbe,
'twas the very arse of Beelzebub.

Thrown they were from the "***** and Trumpet",
in the street - no coin, no strumpet.
Homeward bound must quickly go
to that end, a donkey stole

Their hands all with vomit greased,
the donkey was not pleased,
and threw them into a ditch of ****e.
They all agreed, "What a brilliant night!"
hello
#2
So an irishman walks out of a bar...
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#5
So a man, a woman and a dog walked into a bar.
I forgot the rest of the joke but I raped your mom.
#8
i walked into the bar and i asked for a pint, and the barman told me to use the searchbar
#9
Bacon and Eggs walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "HEY! We don't serve breakfast here."

BU DUM TSSSSSHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's a spin off of the food one, but IMO better.
We're only strays.
#10
so this pirate walks into a bar and he has a boat steering wheel down his pants. The bartender says "Yo pirate, why you got a boat wheel down yo pants?"

the pirate says "ARGH! ITS DRIVIN ME NUTS!"

/old joke.
Quote by musicjunkie207
The time I fell on my face on a trampoline and cracked my neck, then proceded to run around the yard in a blind panic screaming "I hope I'm not paralyzed! OH GOD I THINK I'M PARALYZED!"


#11
Quote by Powerhouse
So a dyslexic man walks into a bra...


The same guy, who was ironically also an insomiac and an agnostic, stayed up all night wondering if there really was a dog.
#12
A guy walks into a bar and sees a dog lying in the corner licking his balls. He turns to the bartender and says, "Boy, I wish I could do that."

The Bartender replies, "You'd better try petting him first."
Quote by horny_cactus
Who's Rick Roll? Sorry for my ignorance I just joined this forum so I don't yet Know that member.
#15
A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar and go, "did you hear the one about us?"
Quote by dm1925
texas ftw!
we're saving the world, one zombie at a time


Quote by ThePastRecedes
Yo Bob Dylan, I'm really happy for you an I'm gonna let you finish, but Jimi Hendrix had one of the best versions of All Along the Watchtower of all time!
#17
so helen keller walked into a bar.

no seriously she walked into a bar and hurt herself

/bad joke.
Quote by musicjunkie207
The time I fell on my face on a trampoline and cracked my neck, then proceded to run around the yard in a blind panic screaming "I hope I'm not paralyzed! OH GOD I THINK I'M PARALYZED!"


#18
A one legged man walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender approaches him, and the one-legged man asks him to serve him a double-shot of whiskey. The bartender ignores him in favor of an attractive young lady sitting next to him who orders a “Bay Breese”. The one legged man waits a while and then leaves. A few minutes later the young lady excuses herself to go to the bathroom. A third fellow of no importance then sits down on her recently vacated stool and fidgets nervously. The bartender accidentally breaks a bottle of expensive vodka.
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#19
kensai wins
Quote by horny_cactus
Who's Rick Roll? Sorry for my ignorance I just joined this forum so I don't yet Know that member.
#20
a drunk guy stumbles out of a pub's bathroom

he goes to the bartender and asks,"do you have green toilet paper that talks?"

the bartender replies, a little confused, "no..."

the drunk man replies, "I may have wiped my ass with your parrot"


/stupid joke
#21
Quote by Kensai
A one legged man walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender approaches him, and the one-legged man asks him to serve him a double-shot of whiskey. The bartender ignores him in favor of an attractive young lady sitting next to him who orders a “Bay Breese”. The one legged man waits a while and then leaves. A few minutes later the young lady excuses herself to go to the bathroom. A third fellow of no importance then sits down on her recently vacated stool and fidgets nervously. The bartender accidentally breaks a bottle of expensive vodka.


Pssshhh, last time I heard that one I laughed so hard I fell off my dinosaur.
We're only strays.
#22
There is this bear, right, and he walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and says "Can I have a large Gin and
. . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . Tonic Please?"

The Barman replies "Yeah sure, but what's with the big pause?"

The bear holds up his paws and says "I'm a bear!!"
Quote by horny_cactus
Who's Rick Roll? Sorry for my ignorance I just joined this forum so I don't yet Know that member.
#23
lul ^^
Quote by musicjunkie207
The time I fell on my face on a trampoline and cracked my neck, then proceded to run around the yard in a blind panic screaming "I hope I'm not paralyzed! OH GOD I THINK I'M PARALYZED!"


#24
A man walks into a bar, orders a drink, chats with some people, and then walks up to the bartender. They start talking. At one moment, the bartender asks the man: "So, what do you do for a living?" The man replies: "Oh, I make money by winning bets."

The bartender looks weird at the guy, but the guy says: "I'll show you. I'll bet you 20 bucks that I can bite my left eye." The bartender says "done", thinking that's impossible, but to his awe the guy pulls out a glass eye and bites it, then puts it back in.

"God damn" says the bartender, as he hands the guy 20 bucks. "Don't worry", says the man, "here's a chance to win it back: 50 bucks that I can bite my right eye as well!" The bartender thinks, "well, he can't have 2 glass eyes", so he accepts. The man then proceeds to take his false teeth out of his mouth, bites his right eye, and puts his teeth back...

"God damn!" says the bartender, in awe again that he lost once more. "Don't worry", says the man again, "I'll give you a chance to win big money. I'll bet you 500 bucks that I can stand on my stool and piss in that bottle behind you without spilling a drop!" The bartender accepts, knowing that he simply can't lose this one. The man climbs onto his stool, and starts pissing... There's urine spilling everywhere, on the glasses, in the sink, on the bartender, but not a single drop goes in the bottle.

"Ha!" shouts the bartender, "I won 500 bucks!". "Good for you" says the man, "but when I entered the pub, I made a bet with everybody in the bar, for 1000 bucks per person, that I could piss all over you without making you angry!"
#25
a guy is sitting in his local pub which happens to be situated 3 stories up. a man walks in and says to the barman "can i have a super pint?", the bar man pours the drink, gives it to the man, he drinks it then runs towards the window, jumps out, flies around then flies back in. The guy reading his newspaper watches in amazment and goes to the bar, "can i have one of those super pints please?!" the barman pours a drink and gives it to him, he drinks it, runs towards the window, jumps out and falls to his death........the barman then says "your a b@stard when your drunk superman"

and kensai, the irish joke! why i oughta!!! *drunkenly shakes fists*
when irish eyes are smiling, you've had to too much to drink cus eyes dont smile, mouths do
#26
Quote by Martyr's Prayer
Bacon and Eggs walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "HEY! We don't serve breakfast here."

BU DUM TSSSSSHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's a spin off of the food one, but IMO better.

I think your right there.

two women walk into a pub..
wtf where they doing out of the kitchen?!
"You're a twat!"- That dude in morrisons

"You Ugly git!" - That girl in the restaurant

"You Were a Mistake!" - Mum

just a few of my fans..



#27
A priest, a rabbi, and a leprechaun walk into a bar. The leprechaun looks at the other two and exclaims "HOLY SHYTE! I'm in the wrong joke!"
#28
Quote by metalminded07
There is this bear, right, and he walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and says "Can I have a large Gin and
. . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . Tonic Please?"

The Barman replies "Yeah sure, but what's with the big pause?"

The bear holds up his paws and says "I'm a bear!!"


Pick flowers not fights.
Make love not war.
Drop acid not bombs.

#29
So Stevie Wonder walks into a bar...

Two men walk into a bar. You'd think one of them would've seen it.
#31
A horse walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender says: "Why the long face?"
The horse replies: "I have AIDS".

Richwood Les Paul RE-135
Ibanez RG350DX
Takamine Dreadnought
Hohner Telecaster Copy
Epiphone Thunderbird-IV Pro
Crafter Cruiser bass
#32
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was assaulted.
There hath he lain for ages and will lie,
Battening on huge seaworms in his sleep;
Until the latter fire shall heat the deep;
Then once by man and angels to be seen,
In roaring he shall rise and on the surface die.
Last edited by Abhorred One at Dec 30, 2008,
#33
A man is sitting in the pub when he hears a bowl of peanuts on the bar saying "Oooh, you really are amazing. Oooh, you are lovely." Then the fruit machine shouted "Rubbish, look at the state of that haircut. And those socks don't go with those shoes." The barman apologised. "I'm sorry," he said, "The nuts are complimentary but the fruit machine is out of order."
#34
coreysMonster walks into a bar.

he gets drunk and posts stupid threads on UG on his laptop and UMTS wireless Internet connection.

Carmel_l bans him.