#1
I know it's quite short, but I may add more, I really need some input I'll be posting alot and I'll always critque back so please leave any feedback


She said the things we create
Fall right before our eyes
She said the things we create
Are what cause our demise

She said, she said
She said so many things
She said, she said
She said so many things

Cause it’s the words you speak
That keep me from sleep
I’m laying in bed thinking
When I should be far away dreaming
And it’s the words you speak
Inside my mind they creep
They keep me up thinking
When I wanna be far away dreaming
Last edited by jayrad321 at Dec 30, 2008,
#3
The first two stanzas were really cool, simple but very effective, kind of stark but very emotive at the same time. I didn't like the third though - nowhere near as effective and a little cliched. If you can make it as good as the first and second, you're onto a winner. Good luck!
#5
This is pretty good!
I actually will have to disagree with the guy above me, I like the third stanza the best. I think it develops the song more than the first two do, characterization and just the general gist of it.
#6
Well thank you, Hesh, for liking the third stanza hah. I will have to add more to give a more complete feeling to the song. I will edit with more at some point. Thank you for the feedback.
#7
Quote by el_jimbo
The first two stanzas were really cool, simple but very effective, kind of stark but very emotive at the same time. I didn't like the third though - nowhere near as effective and a little cliched. If you can make it as good as the first and second, you're onto a winner. Good luck!


THIS lol.

critique? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1033965
#9
Quote by jayrad321

She said the things we create
Fall right before our eyes
She said the things we create
Are what cause our demise
Good, although "fall" is clichéd, and if the things have fallen, how are they "causing your demise"?

She said, she said
She said so many things
She said, she said
She said so many things
Fine.

Cause it’s the words you speak
That keep me from sleep
I’m laying in bed thinking
Aha! This is interesting, me and another kid had a big argument over this. Does one "lie" in bed, or "lay" in bed? Anyway, onto relevance, I would say the former. I'd enjoy seeing some other opinions on this, as I believe both are correct, and as common as each other.
When I should be far away dreaming
And it’s the words you speak
Inside my mind they creep
Hated the syntax (word order) here. You forced it just so you could get that rhyme. I think leaving it as "that creep inside my mind" would work, hitting the rhyme in the middle instead of the end, giving "creep" a massive emphasis in the middle.
They keep me up thinking
When I wanna be far away dreaming
I like the circularity here. If that's the right word.



In its simplicity, it leaves a lot behind for you to think about. Really good. Although because of the almost excessive repetition, I feel it should be more developed. Despite sixteen or so lines, very little is actually said. And I'm not very sure if this is a good thing or not.
#10
it's not quantity that matters.
good job!
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