#1
fall under the spell of the
drip drip drip
run through the puddles, just dont
slip slip slip

look at them fall, hear the
splash splash splash
watch the storm grow, see the
flash flash flash

look back at you, hope youre
sane sane sane
but you were taken away by the
rain rain rain
Last edited by ginjaninja at Jan 9, 2009,
#6
it does have a beat quality to it, i like the constant repetition tho, its like "here take this, you like it" and its good
Last edited by hippotato7 at Dec 31, 2008,
#7
Crits for crits of course, if you leave a link.

(This post is just a reminder for me that I've returned everything above).
#8
I don't like it too much but then again I don't dislike it at all. It's cute and all, the repetitions, the innocent feel, it was all very nice but it gave me nothing. I mean, I don't want to put you down or anything but I felt that this was a good practise piece, but nothing to be too proud of. There's nothing wrong with it being a nice little thing that people like but there is much "greater" writing that can be done with similar aspects as this little piece.


Technically I thought the writing was nice. Even though the pair line rhymes were a bit corny it I thought they fit the tone of the piece. I mean, the overall tone is playful and the rhymes are sort of playful. At least you didn't over do it and rhyme every single line. That would have ruined this.


I feel that the second last line is unfortunately something like 1 syllable or 2 too long. All the other lines in the piece are pretty much symmetrical, you have seven syllables in the first stanza, then six in the second, seven in the third and in the fourth stanza you seem to return to six (which I would have thought very intelligent) but that second last line has 9 syllables! Grrrr.


#9
Quote by ginjaninja
fall under the spell of the
drip drip drip
run through the puddles, just dont
a syllable too many??
slip slip slip

look at them fall, hear the
splash splash splash
watch the storm grow, see the
flash flash flash

hands shielding faces, gaze up
high high high
how can water come from the
sky sky sky
this would be the weakest line in the piece for me, imo it doesn't really add anything

look back at you, hope youre
sane sane sane
but you were taken away by the
rain rain rain

the lack of red shows how good this is
very light-hearted which is a refreshing change for the more serious stuff that I write
Thanks for the crit
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#10
Sorry for the late comment.
I tried Dear Diary..
it was too long, I only critiqued half before I gave up. xP
I actually have it on my computer if you still want it.
just message me about it.
but I digress.
But here we go:

It was cute, to say the least.
and for what it is, I liked it.

The fourth stanza irked me a bit, though. The three previous seemed to connect logically, in that they all describe aspects of the rain and peoples reactions to them, but the fourth kinda just came out of nowhere in a completely unrelated sense. It sorta lost it for me. We weren't talking about sanity this entire time, so it threw me for a loop.

All in all, I agree with the way Confusius aptly described it: it was a good practice piece, but not something to be super proud of.

I'll look forward to your next, though. =D
#11
very very simple
but good
Reaching for the sun
one may forget
the feet which
ground him
#13
This was quite an adventerous outing, I have to say. The first two verses depicted something very honest and almost cynical, but the rest of it didn't. The third and fourth verses just seemed to be repeated the same ideas of the opening two, and they weren't even as good. This would of been better as just two opening verses, and then a climax to gather it all together and make it less childish and surprise the reader by throwing in some grown up embitterment.
This piece is okay, but maybe an experiment that didn't quite work out. I really admire writers who try something different and aim to write something more as a whole instead of attempting for individual lines on their own that kick ass. So, yes, this was enjoyable, and probably something to remember because of it's obscurity in terms of your normal style, but that's as far as it can go. There is very little to devle into more deeply, just the outword side of something predictable in a world of experimentation. It seems like it's going through a mid life crises.
There was something else that I was going to say but I can't remember it, soz.

Keep up the crackin' work, guv'.

Digitally Clean
#14
It's cute. I don't know if that's good or bad though, haha. However, aside from the repetition, I like the rest of it. Simple, good.
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#15
I agree with AngryGoldfish in that the last two verses somehow let me down. Making those the first two verses would probably work a lot better.

The 'hope you're sane sane sane' lines (besides needing an apostrophe in 'you're') feels forced. It feels like you needed something to rhyme on 'rain' and felt that 'sane' was a very strong word. You were right, but it sorta backfired in that it feels like you picked it for those two reasons rather than for its place in the lyrics. Not that I don't think the lines add a lot to the context, I just feel that the negative sides should be considered as well. As mentioned, however, if it was the first or second verse, it wouldn't have bothered me as much. still a little, though...

I liked the repititions in that they gave a lot of very strong flow to the piece. Having them rhyme on top of that may be a little bit overkill, but it works fine (except in that last verse).

All in all, a strong piece.

Thanks for the crit.
#16
I liked it!
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