#1
I wrote this (I have written music for it, but I'll leave that alone) thinking about the ridiculous cases you hear about on the news, and... well... Actually, it sort of speaks for itself. Any critiquing would be great.

(We're on in 3...2...1...)
Tonight at 10, it's a special report
We've got a case of a woman being taken to court
You never hear about a crime of this sort
Our sources say that she crossed the line
Her medication wasn't taken in time
He never saw any sign of decline, but it's too late.
His body was found just the next day
He never suspected that his body'd soon lay
Mutilated in the place where the last words that he'd say would be

Please put down the knife
You don't know how you feel
I never thought I'd have to say this
But you're not that big a deal
Should I have not said that?
Please put down the knife
Let me remind you of one last thing
You're taking a life.

This just in, a video tape has been found
Just under the body lying on the ground
Maybe there's some clues floating around
He seems to be tied up, and pretty tight
He's bleeding from the wrists, his skin pale white
She cuts him loose, does he choose fight or flight?

Please put down the knife
You don't know how you feel
I never thought I'd have to say this
But you're not that big a deal
Should I have not said that?
Please put down the knife
Let me remind you of one last thing
You're taking a life.

The funeral is scheduled for next week,
On Friday the 13th, we'll pray
The poor man's children will weep and cry
And in their grandmother's arms they'll stay
The mother can't attend the service
She'll be busy for her sentence: one life
The man looks down from God knows where
And with a heavy heart he cries
The service is canceled, it's supposed to rain
We'll get no closure, no relief from the pain
The leak in the prison ceiling gives way
Gives way to the tears and gives way to the rain
And the children can't help but wonder
Why did mommy overreact?
They may never know, the world may never know
But they gotta keep their hearts intact

Why don't you drop the knife?
You don't know the pain we'll feel
I'm sorry for whatever I've done
I want to live through this ordeal
Now think of the children
Think of how this'll scar their eyes
Accept my apology and hold my hand
Let us keep our life.


That larger part in the middle is sort of a slow buildup sequence, which is why it's larger than the rest.

Thanks in advance!

EDIT: Just some grammar in places, and a typo.

EDIT2: Regarding "His skin is white" versus "His skin pale white." Maybe "His skin pure white" would work? Any opinion on that is appreciated. I slipped the former in.

Scratch that. I slipped in "pale white." ^_^
Last edited by Msu_Man04 at Jan 2, 2009,
#2
This is good. I like the literal style of writing, and the rhyme schemes works without being too sing-songy. I have a question: is this all one story? It's a bit unclear.
#3
for some reason it reminds me of "Horoscope for Today" by Weird Al

EDIT: not a bad thing
Quote by fleajr_1412
You have amazing taste in men.


Are You a PROG-HEAD? I am.
#4
Quote by Hesh
This is good. I like the literal style of writing, and the rhyme schemes works without being too sing-songy. I have a question: is this all one story? It's a bit unclear.


Yes, it's supposed to be one loose story. I only mentioned a few things about the murder so that you could put it together in your head how you wished.
#5
i like it
the strucutre is interesting (if a bit generic- verse-chours-verse-chorus-verse-chorus type thing) and it has a strong narrative.

i'd give it 7.5/10
#6
thats a really cool concept!!!
i think maybe the title didn't get reflected enough in the
writing but trying to assert it more probably would
make it bad so good job!! really cool!

"I have better things to do...
Like play with my balls."



(\__/)
(='.'=)
(")_(")

..........................................................
#7
I liked it all except the last verse. It seemed a little out of touch to be so understanding/forgiving of someone who has held you at knifepoint, etc. I was thinking something along the lines of "let me hold your hand as I kick your teeth in, you crazy nut bitch. Think of the children..."

But make it sound cool with rhymes.

The chorus was nicely done. Favorite part was "you're not that big a deal".

I really liked the connection with leaks in the prison ceiling, tears, and rain. Well done.

I see you're a Spartan. I used to run around out in East Lansing back in the 80's. We used to hit Sensations and Sparty's (The Wayside back then). Good times.

Feel free to critique my latest, Breaking Out of Hell. Lyrics are included on the bottom of the song tab.
http://profile.ultimate-guitar.com/cheapr2keepr/music/all/play504368

Cheers!
Last edited by cheapr2keepr at Jan 2, 2009,
#8
This was really very good, once I got my head round how literal it was.

I might be back to do a line by line on this, but maybe not. (I'd like to think I have something better to do.)

This was really very good, and it sounds like something I would listen to (which is something I don't get to say much on here).
#9
Quote by cheapr2keepr
I liked it all except the last verse. It seemed a little out of touch to be so understanding/forgiving of someone who has held you at knifepoint, etc. I was thinking something along the lines of "let me hold your hand as I kick your teeth in, you crazy nut bitch. Think of the children..."

But make it sound cool with rhymes.

The chorus was nicely done. Favorite part was "you're not that big a deal".

I really liked the connection with leaks in the prison ceiling, tears, and rain. Well done.

I see you're a Spartan. I used to run around out in East Lansing back in the 80's. We used to hit Sensations and Sparty's (The Wayside back then). Good times.

Feel free to critique my latest, Breaking Out of Hell. Lyrics are included on the bottom of the song tab.
http://profile.ultimate-guitar.com/cheapr2keepr/music/all/play504368

Cheers!


The whole point of the last chorus is supposed to be like going back to the situation, and the husband just wanting to forgive her no matter what the circumstances, because the rest of the song is sort of like... how it would play over in his mind. He just doesn't want that to happen. At least, that's how I think of it. But I can understand what you mean; it seems a little ridiculous. But if I were in that situation, I'd give quite a bit to live.

And I just used to be an MSU fan when I made the account; I'm still in high school. But good to know, man. haha.

[quote="'[DookieShoes"]']thats a really cool concept!!!
i think maybe the title didn't get reflected enough in the
writing but trying to assert it more probably would
make it bad so good job!! really cool!


Yeah, I WAS going to call it either "Tonight At 10 (Taking A Life)" or just "Taking A Life"

But the way the music is, the verses are sort of fast-paced to sound like a news broadcast. That's suppose to be the... almost "theme," if you will.

Oh, and thank you everyone for the comments, they are all appreciated.

Are there any parts that could be, perhaps, improved upon?
Last edited by Msu_Man04 at Jan 2, 2009,
#10
I really liked it, nice to see a very original idea
I thought the chorus was the best part.
The only thing i would say is that sometimes I had to read a line twice to work out what the flow was.
Aside from that, and excellent piece
My current acoustic group:

Fiftieth Parallel

Martin Guitars
Elixer Strings
Acoustic amplification
BOSS pedals

#11
I liked it, the thought of presenting a murder as a news report is awesome, and reminded me a lot of Beyond This Life by Dream Theater. The rhyming was good without, and somehow managed to stay away from sounding like a nursery rhyme (guess most nursery rhymes don't talk about murder, eh?).

The only thing I have to comment on is the line "He's bleeding from the wrists, his skin is white". The first part is fine, but then the "his skin is white" following it doesn't really seem to fit with me. I think something along the lines of "his skin pale white" would sit much nicer with me. Other than that, fantastic job, well done!
New To Town With A Made Up Name

In The Angel's City

Chasing Fortune And Fame
09/03/2012
#12
Great title, and the song has a plot. To me, i could just feel a chorus coming on with a hook line that you can repeat over and over, or somethign to that effect. But it didn't come. It can't hurt to experiment, how about "Tonight at 10, She did it again?" And yeah, i know there's another chorus there, but the verses are already choc full of lyrics, it seems overloading in that sense to have so much in one song. Perhaps the chorus could be the bridge? Just throwing ideas out there, perhaps some of it will help, perhaps not, you never know. But all in all, i like your song
Known.
Some.
Call.
Is.
Air.
Am?

Now though, I realise what i should have said - in the spirit of the dark; in the spirit of the staircase -
"Known some call is air am."
Which is to say-

"I am not what i used to be"
#13
Quote by LJonesy
Great title, and the song has a plot. To me, i could just feel a chorus coming on with a hook line that you can repeat over and over, or somethign to that effect. But it didn't come. It can't hurt to experiment, how about "Tonight at 10, She did it again?" And yeah, i know there's another chorus there, but the verses are already chock full of lyrics, it seems overloading in that sense to have so much in one song. Perhaps the chorus could be the bridge? Just throwing ideas out there, perhaps some of it will help, perhaps not, you never know. But all in all, i like your song


Well, I see what you mean with the "lots of lyrics" thing, but the verses are pretty fast-paced. The choruses are more of a half-time deal, very early Matchbox Twenty-esque. I feel that putting in a... sorry if this offends you... tongue-in-cheek line like "Tonight at 10, she did it again" would make it more... poppy than I'd like. Maybe "poppy" isn't the word, but you know what I mean.

Quote by Alter-Bridge
The only thing I have to comment on is the line "He's bleeding from the wrists, his skin is white". The first part is fine, but then the "his skin is white" following it doesn't really seem to fit with me. I think something along the lines of "his skin pale white" would sit much nicer with me. Other than that, fantastic job, well done!


I sort of went between them in my mind, comparing them. Either really fits, but I think you may have something there. Thank you for that.
#14
this is awesome, such a good song. id love to hear how its supposed to be cos at the minute its a rap in my head, lol, ****ing stan. awesome tho. well done. anyone like to look at mine?
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