#1
this is my take on success

shes stumbling back to her home,
and i'm in mine wondering why i aint at hers.
maybe its this jacket, too soft for callused skin,
or hair that use to shy away from scissors.
my heart is almost broken in.

we were driving around the square,
looking at the un-ostracized intimacy between
those who lay me down with awkward stares.
uttering "one more turn left", backwards cigarette
and all the words that we'll forget.

i should focus on studying abroad,
beyond our black is a dress on my hotel room floor.
behind is a women pulling on a gold chain.
she removed my jacket and whispered;
"what is fortune without fame?"
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
Last edited by freshtunes at Dec 30, 2008,
#2
Giving it a cursory read, the first paragraph is lacking. The piece picked up for me in the second verse, and the ending was pretty good. The first verse, though, is underpar with the rest. "Ain't" and the awkward phrasing of the two first lines could use some revising. I think, if you rewrote the first two lines, this piece would be in better shape. They set a tone that doesn't gel with the rest, if you know what I mean. I like the imagery in the last paragraph. Struck a solid image in my head.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep