#1
Random story i wrote, i wrote it in word, so each line is caps,
its a story/poem....


I hear a gate,
Open very quick,
Then i look up,
And see the guard with there night sticks,
They tell me "cmon, its time to go,
They lift me up,
Then i walk death row.

I get in the room,
Its blank,
And its white,
Its kind of like a open mind.

I sit down,
Then they prep me with agression,
For what i knew,
Would be would be my final repression..


And then i think,
Of why i tried to fight her,
We argued and argued,
To no avail,
no correction,
So then i went outside,
And it was kinda crazy,
I went in my car,
The big blue farari,
And i started to cry
As i drove very slowly,
My phone rang,
So i picked it up,
It was the police on the line,
(wow, just my luck),
The girl that i had fought with
Killed herself that night,
Said she couldnt take,
The drama in her life,
So i went down to the station,
Dazed and confused,
On why they wanted me,
What did i do?


I left her house,
Leaving her untouched...
But what the cops thought,
Was already enough,
So after 4 hours,
Of bright lights and questions,
They picked my ass up,
And sent me to prison,


So now i sit here,
In this creepy cell,
Where my room mate bubba,
Makes my nights hell,
So after hes done,
With his "own" (raping) fun,
I cry myself to sleep,
For what i have done,
I never said sorry,
I should have just stayed,
Instead of me,
Just walking away.


So my advice to everyone,
Is when you and your wife have a fight,
Make sure you say sorry,
Or it will ruin your life....
Last edited by darkrikku at Jan 1, 2009,
#3
Interesting read, that's for sure. I like the moral of the story, and I think it's a fine example to prove the point. Midway through it, I really get good the sense of the rhythm, and there are only a few places where I felt it tripped up, or was a little awkward (like the second line in the last verse, for instance), but none really worth mentioning because it may just be me. My biggest suggestion would be the beginning. It starts very slow, and, IMO, is a little cliche and too vague to really contribute anything. I think if you just started with the night guard, it would just fine. If you rewrite something else in those lines' places, then I would suggest something more specific and a little more foreshadowing (but not too melodramatic, of course.) Otherwise, nice narrative, told pretty well.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#4
yeah thats pretty raw. i like it. more of a poem i think? i like the places that you rhyme, they work well and add to the artsyness, in a good way
#6
Pretty good, but some of the line breaks could be better.

I might be back to this to do a line-by-line crit, but maybe not.


EDIT: Won't. Please re-read it, and correct the grammar.
Last edited by ginjaninja at Jan 1, 2009,
#7
way to integrate the story into the poem, i thought that was what you did best here
I thought the rhyme scheme overall was awkward, but maybe i just didn't get the rhythm...
really liked the second stanza! i think that in and of itself could be a good seed for a poem or song. The only thing that really grated on me was the reference to prison rape... i don't know, it just seemed very crude after the first couple of stanzas.
anyways, nice.