I wrote this peice a few days ago, it's for this metalcore/electroish band(Think Devil Wears Prada) that I do vocals for. Tell me whatcha think

I slowly decay.
From the inside, out.
The inside, out.

My words make me a monster of my own mind.
And I will never repent, I will never repeat.

For even one as kind as thee
Could never forgive someone like me.

The truth is I’m scared to death,
Of what the fear of death has done to me.

This sin is eating me alive,
And its’ jaws are at my throat.
Last edited by jayrad321 at Dec 31, 2008,
If it is in fact lyrics how long is the song going to be?
I'm only seeing a few minutes here
are All that Remains a lyrical inspiration? its got that kinda thing going on
There is a bit of repeat in some parts so that song would top out at about 3-3:30. And yes All That Remains as well as August Burns Red and things of that sort are a big lyrical inspiration for me when working with this kinda thing.
I generally dislike songs like this, but I will say this made me stop and think for a moment:
The truth is I’m scared to death,
Of what the fear of death has done to me.

I liked it, liked it alot. The last verse to me was also pretty cool original sounding matieral. The first three verses didn't really impress me, and, IMO, are a bit bland and sounds like something I've heard before many times. But, the last two are really something.... original, and I like the imagery and vivid personification you have in the last verse. I love the irony and play of words in the second to last.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
overall. I thought it was pretty solid.
I would say that the first verse is easily the weakest, idk why maybe its cause I don't do this genre, but that verse just dosen't do it for me. But heres the good news, I thought the middle three vereses were really good, especially "The truth is I’m scared to death,Of what the fear of death has done to me." I think that line is "bloody brilliant" (said with a terrible fake British accent). My only real concern is that first line..idk why it just made me cringe. Other than I think its pretty well done.