#1
walkin through my garden
wondering which rose to pick
which one will make you love me
and which one will make you sick

your so close to the sun in miami
my heads in the clouds of michigan
and you know i can read your mind sometimes
so lets try it again

lets do it one more time
see where it goes
come on lets spend some time
god only knows
that you and me
were meant to do something

i hope i didn't wait to long
to call you tonight
so i can tell you about my love
in the fading sunlight

waiting for you to come back to me baby
you know it's not the same
i hope you can look past that
now because, i'm to blame

lets do it one more time
see where it goes
come on lets spend some time
god only knows
that you and me
were meant to do something

walkin through my garden
wondering which rose to pick
which one will make you love me
and which one will make you sick

I need to change verse 3 and 4 but everything else is permanent.
Goodness gracious me!
Last edited by Bizarro at Jan 1, 2009,
#2
well, i could see it as a secondhand serenade or all the way to breaking benjamin, but with a little repetitiveness, i can not really tell which is the chorus and the bridge....

but overall, a very good piece...
#3
hold onto your feelings you'll never know
when you might need them again

I like what you're saying here, but the way it's phrased now, it sounds out of place, and, IMO, disrupts the flow of the song as a whole for me. But again, I like the concept. If perhaps it could be written in a more poetic fashion, to match the rest? Hmmm... I dunno. I will say that I'm ambivalent about these lines.

walkin through my garden
wondering which rose to pick
which one will make you love me
and which one will make you sick

I love this verse, and I love that you use it at the beginning and at the end. Definitely my favorite part.

IMO, the other verses are a on the bland side. It's not something I haven't heard before, but it doesn't automatically means it's bad. The verse aforementioned definitely made the song for me, and without it, I wouldn't put much stock into this piece. I think, judging from the above, that with some revision you could make this song a lot spiffier (to use a dork term). This idea and concept has obviously been done before many a times, but I think you could find a more unique way to express it. I humbly suggest (just a little tid bit) trying to put the thoughts you're trying to convey in some concrete imagery, or anything that will hit the listener/reader with something vivid and striking to leave a better impression. But that's just my opinion.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#4
Quote by Bizarro
walkin through my garden
wondering which rose to pick
which one will make you love me
and which one will make you sick



This parts great!

Hmmm.. maybe you could link your lines onto one another, thats just an idea, but what you've done is great!
#5
I just changed the part that I and nerk felt had the most problems (hold onto your feelings), and added a chorus.
Goodness gracious me!
#6
your so close to the sun in miami
my heads in the clouds of michigan



I like that a lot. I don't particularly like the wording but I like the idea.
Overall the song has got a good feel to it. It doesn't seem overdone but it's also not plain or boring.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#7
personally i think its great, love the way it isnt that repetitive. i really like the meaning to... great job