#1
Well, here's Part V - better late than never. Enjoy it. I think i'm up on all my crits, but let me know if i'm not. Links for the other parts in the sig.

Part V

To say I was scared would be an understatement. I was scared shitless, scared out of my fucking mind. When I froze myself all those years ago, this was not what I had planned. I planned on waking up to a cancer cure and a new life. Instead, I woke up in the middle of a fucking war zone, and now, here I am, strapped to a fucking pole in the middle of a fucking room with the biggest fucking nuke I’d ever seen. Oh, also, I had no hope of escape. Alright, so I’m royally pissed-off as well as scared shitless; a bad combination. I’ve always had a nuclear temper, which had led to a rebellious childhood. Before I met my wife, I was a typical young ruffian, vandalising shit, getting into fights all the time. But, who really cares? I mean, I’m going to die in 25 minutes, so if you don’t mind, I’ll leave the reminiscing for heaven and see if I can’t get my ass out of this.

Great, now I’m talking to myself. I’ve been struggling against these binds so long now that the skin on my wrists had worn thin and blood soaked my hands. I was completely exhausted, the pole the only thing keeping me upright. All the while, those blood red numbers just kept counting down. Only ten minutes had passed since Jean-Claude and his soldiers had left, but time is a tricky thing when facing your doom. I felt like I’d been there a life time and barely a moment. Giving up hope, I slumped uselessly back against the blood stained pole. At this moment, the door flew open.

I sprung upright instantly, tired eyes straining. Whoever this was, it wasn’t Jean-Claude.
“Buddy, y’all okay in there?” Thick Texan accent. Yep, definitely not Jean-Claude.
“I’m strapped to a fucking pole in a room with a fucking nuke, how do you think I’m doing?” I screamed at the buffoon. Great, I’m being rescued by the US’s finest.
“Oh good, still alive then. One moment.” I heard the door shut and suddenly the room was alive.

Screaming sirens pierced my ears and flashing red lights blinded me.
“What the fuck?” my Texan friend shouted. And then, as suddenly as they had started, the alarms stopped. I shook my head, trying to clear my ears.
“What the hell was that?” I heard through the ringing in my ears. I stayed quiet, not trusting my voice. Above my head, the speakers crackled.
“Well, well, docteur, it seems you are as valuable to the resistance as I first thought. American soldier - or maybe you are worth more than one - in your stupidity you have triggered my trap. So here, as you “Yankies” say, is the “lowdown”. By walking into the room and shutting the door, you have engaged the dead-lock, effectively sealing yourself in the room. Also, you have reset the timer on the nuclear device to five minutes. Oh, and finally, if you do manage to disarm the device, you will activate the secondary device, which is set on a thirty second timer. So, basically, you are all fucked. Have a nice day, mes amis. Au revoir.”
Last edited by kdownes at Jan 4, 2009,
#3
Finally. I'd almost given up hope.


Okay, first off sort out the swears. Yes, the random bold letters are better that series of asterisks, but not as good as a normal written word.

This line:
here I am, strapped to a ****ing pole in the middle of a ****ing room with the biggest ****ing nuke I’d ever seen.
Makes it seem like the nuke is strapped to pole too. Say "next to" or something better, but similar (sitting in the corner staring at me...?)

"Yay." Annoys me. It's not actually a word (shortened from "hooray".) And if I remember right, isn't this some kind of Nobel Prize nominated scientist, not a thirteen year old child?

“nuclear” Doesn't need the quotation marks. It detracts from the flow, and really forces the pun down our throats. Leave it unquoted and then a reader will feel proud when they uncover the joke.

"see if I can’t get my ass out of this..."
Drop the silly ellipses, and change "can't" to "can".

"I was completely exhausted, the pole the only thing keeping me upright."
Typo, the pole was the.

I didn't like the repetition of blood in "blood soaked my hands" and "blood red numbers" in the next line.

"mon ami"
Should be "mes amis".


I promised myself I would do one full crit on these, so here it is.

C4C? Just comment on Rain. Linked in sig, duh.
Last edited by ginjaninja at Jan 1, 2009,
#4
Dan: No, this isn't the last part. At leats one, maybe two more.

Sam: I don't know how to fix up the swearing anymore. Deal with it:P
As for that line, should be obvious if you're not sitting there tearing it to shreds.
Agree about Yay, I'll lose it.
ANd I'll lose the quotes.
Oh, and the ellipse. But the can't stays. Not everyone speaks with perfect grammar, y'know? This is first person, so it's technically all dialogue, and we all don't speak like English Profs at some poshy prep school.
No typo, again its the grammar/dialogue thing.
And you're right, forgot that i was adressing more than one person. My bad

Thanks for the comments guys, i'll get back to you ASAP.
#6
haha. liked it very much, i think i missed a couple parts to this so i will have to go back and read through to connect everything a little more. i usually don't make it through reading pieces this long but this kept me interested, so bravo for that.
im a fan, nothing else to say.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=17942728#post17942728
if you could say a word or two on this^? if not thats okay too.
#8
I've skimmed through and think it could do with a few less '****s'.

I'll be back, blackdot.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#9
The first paragraph is a mess. Too much swearing for my taste. And this
Alright, so I’m royally pissed-off
stuck out like a sore thumb. And then you started to talk about... your childhood? That felt waaay out of place in the paragraph. I think, to make it work, you'd have to break it into its own paragraph and maybe have a couple more lines of transition.

The only other complaint I have is that I didn't like
So, basically, you are all ****ed
to close off the mans dialogue. It's hard for me to complain about that, since it's been kind of a staple in the series, but it really irks me.

Sorry to be so harsh. You've definitely gotten my interest.
#10
I am waiting for the complete What we have here story, then I will give my full critique, or just say "oh my god-that was amazing". Although through quick skims it does seem very promising.
this one is for you.
#11
This one was probably the low point to me so far. It had so many parts where the narrator was self-aware of the story which had been not so prominent before. I think it really cuts this story down. Some of it; we're experiencing with you and other parts we're having someone tell us about it. That switch back and forth is unsettling. It can be used well... but I don't feel it was here.

Everyone else has picked out the other stuffs... I'm just worried about this becoming too self-aware and reaching a point where it doesn't enrapture me anymore; like a story where someone is telling it and keeps going back in the story to make corrections... and by the end you don't give a **** anymore about hte story. You have a talent... but sometimes I feel like you get sidetracked in "what it should sound like" and not just letting it go where it needs to go.

Still reading.
#12
either black u tags in blank b tags (or similar), example fu
(rushmore)
or size=2 around the middle of the word. fuck
(Zach)


I did my research, boy (click quote to see examples)

I have thought before about asking them to get rid of the wordfilters for the S&L forums, but i realized it was impossible. I am currently beginning to think about making a case argument for getting rid of the wordfilters all together *only f*ck, sh*t, not buttsex or other pit-retardedness. Actually I might just copy and paste this post into the site suggestions thing right now....