#1
<breakdown>
SET ME FREE FROM THESE SHACKLES OF DESPAIR

<Verse One>
I'm sure you know
My time is running low
but to you every day is the same
even though your poison in my veins
suffering from your silent abuse
if only you knew the truth

<chorus>
open your eyes tell me why can't you see
what my addiction to you is doing to me
open your eyes why can't you see
i'm begging you to set me free
can't you see
the agony
you know how
you can end it know
like in my dream
when you kill me

<INSTRUMENTAL bridge>

<verse 2 >
the sun rises again and all i have to say
is 'i don't want to face another day'
a day of sorrow and despair
it just seems so crueley unfair
you know you can set it right
when i close my eyes kill me tonight
when i die i face my destiny
and my soul will be set free
free from your hatred and murderous distinction
finally i can break this addiction


<chorus>

<breakdown>
FINALLY I AM FREE

<twin blast>

<verse 3>
so glad that i chose to sever
to stay away from you forever
so know you not it is too late
all i did was face my fate
and when you wake next you'll finally see
that from your hatred i am free

<chorus>

<repeat the phrase 'Kill Me Tonight' until fade>
#4
Yes, it's definitely got a death-metal-ish feel to it. Not bad, just not my style. But I'll try not to be biased. Sort of a freaky... addiction, type thing, but it's good. The structure is a bit weird, but I don't listen to stuff like this, so I don't know. But, I'd like to see you try to compose for it.

C4C?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=17899967
#5
yeah the addiction tihng is kind of like Trivium's 'Dying In Your Arms', I'm not particularly fond of the band but the lyrical themes in that song are interesting, being addicted to a person.

I'm glad you tihnk it has a death metal feel. It wasn't what I was aiming for but oh well and the structure was just what i felt like doing cause i love cool breakdowns in songs like Waking The Demon (again, not fond of the band but that particular section is nice)

one small issue with the death metal thing i have little to no understanding on how to write death metal riffs nor can i do the vocal style, the voice style i am aiming for is the raspy growls of Chuck Schulinder (R.I.P) and the high pitched screams of George Fisher.

advice?
#7
np
and once compositio is done i'll crack a melody and record it on audacity and put the m-3 on my profile (however you do that :S)
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#8
Quote by Demoniac_UK
<breakdown>
SET ME FREE FROM THESE SHACKLES OF DESPAIR
good imagery here

<Verse One>
I'm sure you know
My time is running low
but to you every day is the same
good, solid opening. nothing amazing if i'm honest, but certainly not bad.
even though your poison in my veins
maybe slightly cliche, i like the idea, but maybe change it a bit.
i don't know what rhythm you have in mind but something like:
"you're poison in the air I breathe" to me that's a little less predictable

suffering from your silent abuse
if only you knew the truth
like it
<chorus>
open your eyes tell me why can't you see
what my addiction to you is doing to me
open your eyes why can't you see
i'm begging you to set me free
very good 4 lines
can't you see
the agony
you know how
you can end it know?? should this be 'now'?
like in my dream
when you kill me
i really like these two lines

overall nothing i would really change about the chorus although maybe a bit more imagery??

<INSTRUMENTAL bridge>

<verse 2 >
the sun rises again and all i have to say
is 'i don't want to face another day'
a day of sorrow and despair
it just seems so crueley unfair
excellent four lines, especially the last one. great imagery
you know you can set it right
when i close my eyes kill me tonight
again, very good
when i die i face my destiny
not sure about this line though. I would change it if i were you
and my soul will be set free
good, but again possibly slightly cliche?
free from your hatred and murderous distinction
finally i can break this addiction
excellent closing lines here


<chorus>

<breakdown>
FINALLY I AM FREE
not much i can say here

<twin blast>

<verse 3>
so glad that i chose to sever
to stay away from you forever
very nice here, good imagery
so know you not it is too late
i would change this line, there are already quite a few other lines that give the same effect
all i did was face my fate
good, but i can't help feeling that the rhyme here is a bit too forced
and when you wake next you'll finally see
that from your hatred i am free
alright. again, a bit repetitve. you have used the idea of you being free enough already imo. you don't need to use it again

<chorus>

<repeat the phrase 'Kill Me Tonight' until fade>
good, striking end

overall, very good just a few things that need changing imo. i would add in more imagery, and vary what the verses are about. they all seems to be about the same thing?? no need to rewrite each verse, just include a few more ideas to the piece
hope this was helpful. C4C? 'Break Down The Doors' in my sig. thanks
My current acoustic group:

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Elixer Strings
Acoustic amplification
BOSS pedals

Last edited by jon93971 at Jan 1, 2009,
#9
Really nice. It has a cool theme with the whole being addicted to someone concept.
And yes very like Triviums "Dying in You Arms"
#12
I think this will work really well as a song. There are some cliches in the beginning but it's not that noticeable.
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