#1
and i see rain, and i feel rain,
flick after flick, annoying - not
a thing more -
and umbrella is pest
with pointed corners poking
sharp; stop-stare,
it's rain and it's water
and i'm sure i've been safe
under rain before,

and i'm sure i've been burnt
by the sun.


inspiration hit me like a letter hits the doormat
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Jan 1, 2009,
#2
well the message is very clear here... not to mention one i agree with
a few little things... umbrella is spelled wrong... in the 7th line, rain and water seem redundant...
that's it, i guess
I have to say I really think you were sensitive to how words sound when put together in this piece. it's pretty awesome
#4
and umberella is pest
was the only line that really annoyed me. the incorrect spelling and grammar together made it really forced as an idea.
apart from that, brilliant.
#5
this is sharp, it hurts.
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#7
Quote by ginjaninja
and umberella is pest
was the only line that really annoyed me. the incorrect spelling and grammar together made it really forced as an idea.
apart from that, brilliant.


there's no incorrect grammar, it's intentional. i don't see any capital letters either :P

The spelling I shall change though.

Thanks everyone <3
#9
Jamie, you always have a knack for sonics.
i read this aloud and laughed at the homophone in the first line.
and the ambiguity caused by the disparity of the line-breaks and the -
was loverly.

Meadows
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#14
Congratuations; well deserved, great piece
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#17
S.A.D as in seasonal affective disorder Love it.
Nice piece you have here. But I tend to like the majority of things you write, so that's no surprise.

The first "and" in Line 1 kind of bugs me, but I tend to do that myself just to start things off on a note that isn't boring, so eh. It's preferential I suppose. The "annoying - - not a thing more" line stands out to me, and I like it, if only for the fact that it's a poet criticizing too much poeticism. Haha. "Umbrella is pest" also kind of bugs me because of the grammar, so I'd personally change it to, "Umbrellas are pests," but once again, it's just preference.

The last few lines, no complaints. I'm not generally a fan of overly short poetry that isn't just packed with intensity, but you pull this one off. Nice work overall.
#18
this was really good, man. These last few months especially, you've been outstanding. You've gotten really good, not that you weren't before but it was often hit or miss with me. Since this fall you've been extremely consistent and enjoyable.

Nice work.
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