#1
C4C

You wish me dead
I happily return the favour
Every day
Spent digging my own grave again and again
I’m ashamed to call you father,
A name you don’t deserve
This father son relationship,
Built of lies and a love for one another's suffering

I carve an epitaph into the wall above my bed
In case you follow up your threats
These bricks will act as a makeshift headstone
Bury me beneath the sheets

My pleading words fall upon deaf ears
Relentlessly throughout the years
Hosts of angels shoot you down
I scream at them to intervene
Break down the doors and cut the scene
Of the horror film unfolding inside my house


Pain fueled cries
Cut through the hardest souls
Vivid memories
Cut through the most amnesic minds
Every night when the sun falls below the horizon
Out comes the belt
Made of hardened bloodstained leather,
Compared to the rest of the pain I’ve endured,
It’s as light as a feather

My pleading words fall upon deaf ears
Relentlessly throughout the years
Hosts of angels shoot you down
I scream at them to intervene
Break down the doors and cut the scene
Break down the doors

The windows shut,
The curtains drawn
No one sees
No one hears
(Nobody hears)
The rare sweet dream cut short
As I'm hauled from my bed,
The 7th time this week
No limit to imagination
No limit to suffering,
Long nights spent shaking with fear
(change to 3/4 time)
Give me the key,
And the lock from the front door
Give me time to undo all the bolts
I’ll run and hide,
And try to forget all the things you’ve done
Please open the curtains,
Let me pound on the windows
Scream at everyone who passes by,
Let me out, X4
My current acoustic group:

Fiftieth Parallel

Martin Guitars
Elixer Strings
Acoustic amplification
BOSS pedals

Last edited by jon93971 at Jan 3, 2009,
#2
Wow... That's all I got... Wow... It really painted the imagery for me, I really liked it. It was very dark and could be taken literally, but there also seemed to be a deeper, more metaphorical sense to it.
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[thread="985311"]A Love/Hate Relationship[/thread]
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#4
i actually read this one by you a while back.i liked it then but the changes uv made really made it better. u fixed the only thing i didnt really like. other than that. great!


You wish me dead
I happily return the favour
I’m ashamed to call you father,
A name you don’t deserve
I carved an epitaph into the wall above my bed
In case you follow up your threats
These bricks will act as a makeshift headstone
Bury me beneath the sheets

My pleading words fall upon deaf ears
Relentlessly throughout the years
Hosts of angels shoot you down
I scream at them to intervene i like how u changed this line from time out
Break down the doors and cut the scene
Of the horror film unfolding inside my house

Pain fuelled cries
That cut through the hardest souls
Vivid memories
That cut through the most amnesic minds
Every night when the sun falls below the horizon
Out comes the belt
Made of hardened bloodstained leather
Compared to the rest of the pain I’ve endured,
It’s as light as a feather

My pleading words fall upon deaf ears
Relentlessly throughout the years
Hosts of angels shoot you down
I scream at them to intervene
Break down the doors and cut the scene
Break down the doors

The windows shut,
The curtains drawn
No one sees
Nobody hears
(Nobody hears)
The rare sweet dream cut short
As I'm hauled from my bed,
The seventh time this week
No limit to imagination
No limit to suffering,
Long nights spent shaking with fear
__________________
#5
Quote by jon93971

You wish me dead
I happily return the favour
I’m ashamed to call you father,
A name you don’t deserve
I carved an epitaph into the wall above my bed
Carve? Tenses?
In case you follow up your threats
These bricks will act as a makeshift headstone
Bury me beneath the sheets
This was great. Note L5, I think I'm right here, change carved to carve to keep it all in the present tense. The only thing I can say about this negatively, is lines 3+4, they were sort of detached. You introduced the characters (father and son) but then didn't elaborate on them. I think you should drop those two lines, and have this stanza focus only on death threats, and the grave/bed metaphor.


My pleading words fall upon deaf ears
Relentlessly throughout the years
Hosts of angels shoot you down
I scream at them to intervene
Break down the doors and cut the scene
Of the horror film unfolding inside my house

This was great too. The only thing was the syntax of lines 3+4. They seem to be in the wrong order. I'm not too sure about this, give it a thorough re-read and have a look.

Pain fueled cries
Spelling mistake, screams my firefox dictionary with an angry red line spewed under the word....
That cut through the hardest souls
Drop "that".
Vivid memories
That cut through the most amnesic minds
Drop "that". Deja vu. Deja vu.
Every night when the sun falls below the horizon
Out comes the belt
Made of hardened bloodstained leather
Compared to the rest of the pain I’ve endured,
It’s as light as a feather
This was good. Line 7 wasn't very nice to read because of the polysyllabic words. Shorten it all, maybe say "bloodstained leather belt" instead of "the belt made of...." And also think about maybe improving the line break between lines 6+7.


My pleading words fall upon deaf ears
Relentlessly throughout the years
Hosts of angels shoot you down
I scream at them to intervene
Break down the doors and cut the scene
Break down the doors

Same as.

The windows shut,
The curtains drawn
No one sees
Nobody hears
(Nobody hears)
Change them all to "no one", instead of nobody. If this is a song, then I've been wrong all along, but if it really is a poem, drop the whole parenthesized bit.
The rare sweet dream cut short
As I'm hauled from my bed,
The seventh time this week
Get rid of "seventh", either change it to another number (seven is the most commonly tohught of number in the human mind, and it also makes it seem like this is an everyday occurrence) or to something along the lines of "again".
No limit to imagination
No limit to suffering,
Long nights spent shaking with fear
Great.



This was really very good. The subject matter wasn't approached quite right, but what you did, you did well. I saw the first two comments and thought "well, it can't really be that good, can it?" And yes, it was, although not deserving of straight praise.

C4C if you want, "rain rain rain", linked in sig.
#6
thanks all for the crits
i'll get around to looking at some of your stuff soon.
ginjaninja, what do you mean about the subject matter not being approached in quite the right way?? also it is a song

the carving part in the first verse was the child doing the carving in preperation. but, i see what you're getting at. i'll change to avoid confusing more people
My current acoustic group:

Fiftieth Parallel

Martin Guitars
Elixer Strings
Acoustic amplification
BOSS pedals

#7
wow..amazing, u should look at my other stuff, just click my name and look at my stuff, awesome, awesome
#8
Like the others said, beautiful imagery. My favorite part would have to be the last verse. I love how I feel, almost... I'm not sure. It puts a good closure on the whole piece. And it feels truly... fearful. It's hard to explain, but you surely nailed something here. Great work, man. And thank you for the crit.