#1
even though nobody ever reads these kinds of posts, here goes, one of my 9 or so songs, the very first song i ever wrote i might add. i wrote it bout three months ago. please, no overly negative critizisment, i'm only fourteen and wrote this when i was thirteen

Lies

verse 1:
Everyone has left me,
this solitude is driving me crazy.
No one will be my comfort,
it's terible, it makes me hurt.
My insides ar being eaten by this terrible thing,
right now i just want to destroy everything!

Chorus 1:
It doesn't matter what they say,
because,
as i lay,
down here,
my fear becomes anger!
I hate them for their lies,
they say i'm alive but i'm dead inside...
I'm dead inside!
Lies!....Lies!...lies...lies...lies...

Verse 2:
As i lay here and stare above,
i realize i have no love,
for anyone or even myself,
why didn't they listen to my cries for help?
My life has been beaten away,
and i'm out here,
on the fringe,
of insanity,
why won't they just let me be!

Chorus 2

Bridge 1:
Should i live or die?
Do they tell the truth or do they lie?
Have i gone insane?
or is this thing inside my brain?
oooooooh, why me?
ooooooooooh, why me?

Verse 3:
They say they've found a cure,
i don't believe them, because i can't be sure
what i'll have to endure
when it fails me.
God has forsaken me, i've lost all hope,
i'm stuck here in this horrid room,
to live out my pitiful days until my doom!
and as that day draws nearer,
i see through what they say all the clearer!

Chorus 3

Angry verse 1:
Now i know i'm here to stay,
to rot away day by day.
they don't understand what its like,
to be forgotten by everyone in your life.

Bridge 2

Angry verse 2:
its as if my existence is not living,
i drove them all away but now i want them back!

Shortened chorus:
I'm dead inside!
Lies! Lies! lies...lies...LIES!!!

solo

(back to quiet) verse:
My final day has come at last,
no more pain,
no more anger,
Just me, as i use my last breath to plead for death.

Final Chorus:
Why didn't i listen to the signs?
I used to blame them but the fault is mine.
Right now, i'm just nothing.
They told me the...truth.....

yea i know i'm a pretty terrible writer, and i fall into the stupid mainstream cliche of rhyming everything instead of what comes naturally, but i felt like posting one of my songs for some feedback on how bad i am.
Quote by smb
Freakish mammals bring the end times. It's not even 2012 yet and we're all on the path to extinction. Send cash now to God-TV!
#2
verse 1:
Everyone has left me,
this solitude is driving me crazy.
No one will be my comfort,
it's terible, it makes me hurt.
My insides ar being eaten by this terrible thing,
right now i just want to destroy everything!
the last two lines are kind of cheesy

Chorus 1:
It doesn't matter what they say,
because,
as i lay,
down here,
my fear becomes anger!
I hate them for their lies,
they say i'm alive but i'm dead inside...
I'm dead inside!
Lies!....Lies!...lies...lies...lies...

Verse 2:
As i lay here and stare above,
i realize i have no love,
for anyone or even myself,
why didn't they listen to my cries for help?
My life has been beaten away,
and i'm out here,
on the fringe,
of insanity,
why won't they just let me be!
this verse was actually pretty good.. see its not all bad

Chorus 2

Bridge 1:
Should i live or die?
Do they tell the truth or do they lie?
Have i gone insane?
or is this thing inside my brain?
oooooooh, why me?
ooooooooooh, why me?

Verse 3:
They say they've found a cure,
i don't believe them, because i can't be sure
what i'll have to endure
when it fails me.
God has forsaken me, i've lost all hope,
i'm stuck here in this horrid room,
to live out my pitiful days until my doom!
and as that day draws nearer,
i see through what they say all the clearer!
first two lines are decent
Chorus 3

Angry verse 1:
Now i know i'm here to stay,
to rot away day by day.
they don't understand what its like,
to be forgotten by everyone in your life.

Bridge 2

Angry verse 2:
its as if my existence is not living,
i drove them all away but now i want them back!

Shortened chorus:
I'm dead inside!
Lies! Lies! lies...lies...LIES!!!

solo

(back to quiet) verse:
My final day has come at last,
no more pain,
no more anger,
Just me, as i use my last breath to plead for death.
GOOD! out of the cliche rhyming scheme this was good to read... u should write more like this
Final Chorus:
Why didn't i listen to the signs?
I used to blame them but the fault is mine.
Right now, i'm just nothing.
They told me the...truth.....
#3
verse 1:
Everyone has left me,
this solitude is driving me crazy.
No one will be my comfort,
it's terible, it makes me hurt.
My insides ar being eaten by this terrible thing,
right now i just want to destroy everything!

cheesy, cliche

Chorus 1:
It doesn't matter what they say,
because,
as i lay,
down here,
my fear becomes anger!
I hate them for their lies,
they say i'm alive but i'm dead inside...
I'm dead inside!
Lies!....Lies!...lies...lies...lies...

Can work if you're writing for black flag type of style, but still cliche and cheesy.


Your writing sounds like a 13 year olds, which you can't help. I'm just observing it.