#1
this is me trying to get in the mindset of a psychotic murderer.
tell me what u think


tied him up, yes i did
me and him played a little tune
used my knives on that stupid kid
hate that your friend screamed so soon

a bullet in his head would have done the trick
but i decided to use this rusty thing
needed him to suffer couldn't make it quick
although eventually i got him to sing

i know where you are
your mine now, boy
you cant run very far
cutting you up will be my joy
ill carve you up, yes i will
make you my christmas dinner
wont stop until iv had my fill
this christmas i wont be any thinner

now i have you your mine
spill your blood into this glass
drink it like a fine wine
cant you see i have class

sweet succulent blood
its running down my throat
dead bones littered in the mud
to your loved ones ill write a note
#2
Let's see now...

It's definitely structured a lot better than my piece was, which has both benefits and downsides; it's a lot easier to appreciate from a lyrical/song standpoint, and a lot easier to digest, but the 1,2, 1,2, structure makes it sound a little forced. Be creative, and use more varied language than 'boy, dinner, joy, etc' perhaps.

Other than that, it was good, especially in that the imagery got more extreme the further along the poem went.

a 7.5/10 from me.
#4
i think the whole "make him sing" and "make a tune" theme was really cool.
i thought that was going to set up the rest of the song, the turn into the dinner was pretty sudden but interesting.

"I have better things to do...
Like play with my balls."



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