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#1
I have a big problem in my house. My couch is constantly occupied by my worthless asshole brother. He sits watching tv, playing xbox 360, reading, or staring in to space all day every day. This may not seem to be much of a problem to an outsider, but being the confrontational piece of shit he is, he has managed to find ways to be an asshole from his permanent perch on the couch. Whenever I get food (the couch is in a room between my room and the kitchen) he will say "going to eat again fat boy?"
Note: I am not fat to begin with, and he weighs more than me while being shorter/fatter. The reason "again" is in there is because he is sitting there so much that there is never a meal I eat without passing him.
Whenever I go to pet my dog he will just poke the dog or move it away from me. The reason I can't just beat the shit out of him is because he used to box and back when he left the house (hasn't happened in months) he would get in a lot of fights. He also carries a switchblade around the house, just because he is an asshole.


So now, pit, I come to you seeking creative ways the move the worthless blob from my couch. I never realized how truly bad it is until Winter Break, during which I swear he has only moved to sleep/eat. He is there 15 hours a day.
#2
Train the dog to shit on the couch, or turn it upsidedown and nail it to the floorboards.
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#3
I have the answer to your problem

you sit down

and tell him to sit in your lap
#4
When he goes to sleep sit down on the couch.
or make your parents kick him out. Assuming you live with your parents because you would have kicked him out of your own house by now.
BRIAN. SCHNEIDER.
#5
^^ I want a way to make him move at will preferably, however impossible that may be.
Quote by LAMF413
I have the answer to your problem

you sit down

and tell him to sit in your lap

Problem there is he would have to move for that to happen... unlikely.
Quote by rabidguitarist
Train the dog to shit on the couch, or turn it upsidedown and nail it to the floorboards.

Funnily enough my dog is very fluffy and he has shit stuck on his ass fur. It is smeared on the half of the couch the dog sits on, the bad thing is my brother sits on the other half. He's to lazy to even clean the couch he sits in so much...
Last edited by GerGuam at Jan 2, 2009,
#7
All you can do is LOVE HIM TO DEATH.
Abbreviated version:
Quote by Lots of People

Quote by :.FireStorm.:
+1 Maus24

:.FireStorm.: - #15 poster in the thread, #1 in my heart.

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#8
Quote by smokin_sarah
Hide the remote for the tv to make life a little more difficult for him.

Perfect. I will attempt this when/if the opportunity arises.

Edit: feeding off of this idea I think I'll have enough to last me to the end of break. I'll unplug things he uses and maybe cut the electricity to that room occasionally. But I would still like some more suggestions for the future
Last edited by GerGuam at Jan 2, 2009,
#9
ok, this always works like a charm. i have 5 brothers haha... so i know. eat something that will give you horrible gas, weather it's beans or whatever. for me it's lay's potato chips and lots of chili. then you have to fart on your brother to make him move his ass off the couch. you can do this one of 2 ways... you can either pass gas and walk past him and kind of trail it behind you so he gets a wiff and wants to move... or you could take the more direct approach and fart right on his face, sit right down next to him and fart, or whatever. i'm 100% sure he'll end up moving if you keep on doing that. my brothers get lost after like the second time i blast them with my secret weapon. good luck bro!
#10
Quote by alexpalka23
ok, this always works like a charm. i have 5 brothers haha... so i know. eat something that will give you horrible gas, weather it's beans or whatever. for me it's lay's potato chips and lots of chili. then you have to fart on your brother to make him move his ass off the couch. you can do this one of 2 ways... you can either pass gas and walk past him and kind of trail it behind you so he gets a wiff and wants to move... or you could take the more direct approach and fart right on his face, sit right down next to him and fart, or whatever. i'm 100% sure he'll end up moving if you keep on doing that. my brothers get lost after like the second time i blast them with my secret weapon. good luck bro!

Amazing. I guess the Pit really does have all the answers to life's problems. I'll go test this out immediately.
#11
Quote by alexpalka23
i'm 100% sure he'll end up moving if you keep on doing that. my brothers get lost after like the second time i blast them with my secret weapon. good luck bro!


If I would be carrying a switchblade and someone would fart in my face, he'd obviously get anally raped with a knife.
funkyducky


Icing happen when de puck come down, BANG, you know,
before de oder guys, nobody dere, you know.
My arm go comme ça, den de game stop den start up.

Quote by daytripper75
Get To Da Choppa!
#14
Quote by alaskan_ninja
Set the couch on fire.

Set your brother on fire.
Abbreviated version:
Quote by Lots of People

Quote by :.FireStorm.:
+1 Maus24

:.FireStorm.: - #15 poster in the thread, #1 in my heart.

o _o
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pm C.C. Deville to join
#16
My idea in steps:

1.Wait until he heaves his bulk off the couch to go forage for food

2.Hide a small knife with the blade pointing up in the couch cushion

3.Brother sits down

4.?????

5.Profit/hilarity

EDIT: I actually witnessed a friend get revenge on his douche-kabob of a cousin using this method.I laughed,but son of a bitch that had to be painful.

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Last edited by Pr0gNut at Jan 2, 2009,
#17
Quote by eddiethehead888
Set yourself on fire.

And then hug your brother on the couch.
Abbreviated version:
Quote by Lots of People

Quote by :.FireStorm.:
+1 Maus24

:.FireStorm.: - #15 poster in the thread, #1 in my heart.

o _o
/###############
|###############
\###############

Member #6 of the "Shoop da Whoop" club
pm C.C. Deville to join
#19
I really think that the fart plan would have worked with anyone else. I forgot to take into account that he spends all his time just feet away from dog shit. It's a shame, he didn't even react to a particularly rancid fart I let. He attempted one of his "clever" jokes, asking whether or not I wanted to use the tv. Knowing his response would be "well you can't" if I had answered yes I just went back to the drawing board (the pit).
#20
Fuck with the power, like you said.
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Last edited by Gyroscope : Tomorrow at 01:00 PM.
#21
Have you considered putting itching powder/some vile substance where he sits?

I'd also like to suggest slapping his man tits and running away,but that's just for the lulz.

WARNING!: THIS USER HAS BEEN KNOWN TO BE AN OPINIONATED ASS. ALWAYS USE CAUTION WHEN READING POSTS AND NEVER USE NEAR AN OPEN FLAME.USE ONLY AS DIRECTED.KEEP OUT OF REACH OF CHILDREN.







#22
Quote by LAMF413
I have the answer to your problem

you sit down

and tell him to sit in your lap


But then he might. We're trying to help TS - not get him flattened to death.

Just let him stay there and get fat and have a heart attack. THEN YOU CAN SIT ON IT ALL YOU WANT!
XIAOXI
Last edited by Abunai X at Jan 2, 2009,
#23
Quote by Abunai X
But then he might. We're trying to help TS - not get him flattened to death.

Just let him stay there and get fat and have a heart attack. THEN YOU CAN SIT ON IT ALL YOU WANT!

Or even better: hasten his death somehow. Poison, possibly. Or at least get him sent to the hospital for a while and claim the couch as your own.
kill all humans
#24
^^ There is great hope on the horizon, the pathetic fuck just got a super extreme DUI = automatic 45 days in jail. Yeah, he gets wasted all alone on his couch. The downsides of this are A) I have no idea when his trial is or when his jail time will be (knowing the court system it might be a loooooooong way off) and B) he had his license/car taken away, now he can't even go on his weekly alcohol runs (the only time he left the house previously)
Quote by Abunai X
But then he might. We're trying to help TS - not get him flattened to death.

Just let him stay there and get fat and have a heart attack. THEN YOU CAN SIT ON IT ALL YOU WANT!

This is currently in progress, he has gained about 10 pounds in the past month. But he is still no where near being deathly obese (he's like 5'11" 175).
Last edited by GerGuam at Jan 2, 2009,
#25
would you're brother actually stab you? Kill his xbox while hes sleeping
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#26
Quote by alaskan_ninja
Or even better: hasten his death somehow. Poison, possibly. Or at least get him sent to the hospital for a while and claim the couch as your own.


Hello, there! Long time, no see.

Poison is a good idea. Cyanide might be best.
XIAOXI
#27
Quote by Abunai X
Hello, there! Long time, no see.

Poison is a good idea. Cyanide might be best.

Hey! I've been banned, hence the absence.

Would TS have cyanide lying around his house, though? It would work well, but might be hard to come across. I think it might be easier just to sneak some bleach into his beer or something.
kill all humans
#28
^^^ Killing him wasn't really the type of thing I was hoping for, however appealing it might be. He isn't worth any possible trouble for me.
Quote by druz15_UG
would you're brother actually stab you? Kill his xbox while hes sleeping

He has extreme anger issues so I'm sure he would. And the problem with this is the xbox is the only one in the house, in times of old I would use it when I wanted to. Since his graduation of high school and subsequent nothingness I haven't really had a chance to. And I know my mom would end up getting another one for him.
Last edited by GerGuam at Jan 2, 2009,
#31
Quote by franklyn monroe
i too hate my brother,just pee on his toothbrush and pray he gets AIDS.

I wish I could. He doesn't brush his teeth or shower any more though.
#33
The classics never go out of style: Laxative-riddled foods. He can't sit on the couch all day if he can't stop shitting.

EDIT: Just make sure to hide all boxes, packaging etc. Make it seem like it was because of bad food. If you ate the same dish, just laxative-free, claim you got diarrhea as well, to throw him off.

C-C-C-C-C-COMBO EDIT: Throw some ipecac up in that bitch, too, for a duel dose of fun. Everyone loves fluids coming out of both ends.
Last edited by CrucialGutchman at Jan 2, 2009,
#34
Quote by Pr0gNut
Have you considered putting itching powder/some vile substance where he sits?

I'd also like to suggest slapping his man tits and running away,but that's just for the lulz.



i can just picture TS slapping his mantits and running away lol
#35
It's all in the mind games. Just pretend there's something massively wrong with him just by staring at his forhead for ages, it's eerie because you're focused on his face without making eye contact. Move things around his room without him knowing. Scratch his xbox games. Hug him/smile when he calls you names/bullies you. Just be smug around him, it'll make him realise (eventually) how much of a failure he is.

flickr you might
Quote by MrCarrot
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#36
Quote by philjay
It's all in the mind games. Just pretend there's something massively wrong with him just by staring at his forhead for ages, it's eerie because you're focused on his face without making eye contact. Move things around his room without him knowing. Scratch his xbox games. Hug him/smile when he calls you names/bullies you. Just be smug around him, it'll make him realise (eventually) how much of a failure he is.

We don't really ever interact, he's just an asshole for the 5 seconds it takes me to walk past him. This is his sole pleasure in life. I'm also pretty sure he knows how pathetic his life is and that's part of the reason he drinks himself to sleep every night. One of my greatest success was when me and some friends were playing basketball at the park a while ago (in a time so long ago he actually left the couch) and he though he would come down and play with us. Needless to say, he was shunned and I told him not to try that any more. I could tell this hurt him deeply and I think this helped him to further realize that he is a piece of shit who needs some friends of his own. Not that he will make any friends with his current lifestyle.
#37
Befriend his doctor. Get said doctor to tell him he has a new aggressive form of diabetes that is being provoked by his sedentary lifestyle, as well as immediate proximity to dog feces, and that if he doesn't cut down his couch sitting to 15 minutes a day and keep it clean he'll have a max of 5 years to live. Not only do you get access to desired couch, you get it cleaned as well...which you really should do anyway dude, that sounds kinda unsanitary.
#38
How has he played Xbox that long that he hasn't got the red rings of death yet?


I think I have natural talent for guitar because I'm left handed and I use that hand to pleasure myself. Seeing as I started playing after most of intense masturbating-teen years, the dexterity was already there.
#39
Quote by GerGuam
We don't really ever interact, he's just an asshole for the 5 seconds it takes me to walk past him. This is his sole pleasure in life. I'm also pretty sure he knows how pathetic his life is and that's part of the reason he drinks himself to sleep every night. One of my greatest success was when me and some friends were playing basketball at the park a while ago (in a time so long ago he actually left the couch) and he though he would come down and play with us. Needless to say, he was shunned and I told him not to try that any more. I could tell this hurt him deeply and I think this helped him to further realize that he is a piece of shit who needs some friends of his own. Not that he will make any friends with his current lifestyle.


Oh...

I kind of feel sorry for him, now.
XIAOXI
#40
Quote by Abunai X
Oh...

I kind of feel sorry for him, now.


Yeah, to be serious TS he probably just needs some support dude.
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