#1
Sunday sun at our backs
the park glimmering beneath it
you are in my arms
and I am in your embrace

Hearts grow fonder for the stranger
as white doves take to the sky
lingering companion
has overstayed her welcome
we must flee the public eye
lose the friend
lose the witness

Round the corner grants the wish
the stench of suspicion fills my lungs
you are in my arms
and I am in your vise
your sin eclipsed by endearment
a serpent lives 'neath the flower

The doves are gone
only ravens remain
the dead lifeless trees
a tunnel into the darkness
role reversal at its peak
the boy follows
shivering and weak.
New To Town With A Made Up Name

In The Angel's City

Chasing Fortune And Fame
09/03/2012
#2
Quote by Alter-Bridge

Sunday sun at our backs
the park glimmering beneath it
you are in my arms
and I am in your embrace
(Really good 1st stanza, great imagery, just really badass in general)

Hearts grow fonder for the stranger
as white doves take to the sky
lingering companion
has overstayed her welcome
we must flee the public eye
lose the friend
lose the witness
(not a huge fan on this stanza, sorry but I just read it and don’t feel any emotion compared, especially compared to the first stanza…I’m not even sure what ur trying to say here.)

Round the corner grants the wish
the stench of suspicion fills my lungs
you are in my arms
and I am in your vise
your sin eclipsed by endearment
a serpent lives 'neath the flower
(decent, I love the way lines 3 and 4 contast with lines 3 and 4 of the first stanza)

The doves are gone
only ravens remain
the dead lifeless trees
a tunnel into the darkness
role reversal at its peak
the boy follows
shivering and weak
(Very cool stanza,)


Overall, it’s a little too vague but it’s got a lot of potential. I love the dramatic shift in mood this song takes from beginning to end. My only real concern is that 2nd stanza, as a reader I didn’t get much out of it, and b/c stanzas 1 and 4 are so good, it makes the weakness of stanza 2 stand out a lot more. In my opinion, if you can just redo stanza 2 and perhaps spice up stanza 3 (optional) then I think you got a really cool piece of poetry on your hands. Good Job!
#3
Definitely love the shift, it was made pretty easily. Like Nittany said, those contrasting lines were great (things I have sort of a thing for: plays on words and contrasting lines). And this whole thing is so true; I can totally relate.

You really should expand on it. It's good, but it doesn't quite feel complete. Could use some improvement, but I hope to see you work on it and make it better.

Crit mine?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1034769
#4
i like the imagery you put in it, and i like the repetition of the 'your in my arms' part, where the second line has a very different feel to it

the last verse is really cool and paints a very descriptive picture

overall....very sexy
#5
Well, first off; i am terrible at interpreting poetry of any kind, so i'll not really be able to give any sort of useful criticism.

I'll just quote the bits that i like most.

lingering companion
has overstayed her welcome
we must flee the public eye
lose the friend
lose the witness


role reversal at its peak
the boy follows
shivering and weak.