#1
Anybody know why i write this? Its prolly a bit crappy and not smooth and all that, but i just woke up and it was all in head ready to be written down.

For what i can see these would be chorus's and just the same format all the way through but alternative words for each one.

I can hear this being sung in my mind, so it alot of it does fit in well together.

thanks so much
but i dont deserve it
you see i killed a man halfway down the street
his nose was broken
his wallet was stolen
and he asked me to finish him off

thanks so much
im sorry you heard this
you see i killed a girl halfway down the street
her family had moved away
and stolen her kid
so she asked me to finish her off

thanks so much
but i dont deserve this
you really shouldnt have bothered giving this to me
for in a while,
ill be stuck in a cell
no chance to show your items glory

Also, what basic ideas would be good for verses?
Fender Special Edition Custom Telecaster FMT HH in Crimson Red
Reverend Sensei HB FM in Tobacco Burst
Fender Vintage C Neck, HH, Surf Green Nitrocellulose (Handmade)

Egnater Rebel-30 MKI Head
Egnater Tourmaster Series 412B 280W 4x12 Cabinet
#2
alright... the first verse was solid. After that, it just fell apart. I really digged the rhyme scheme and was expecting it to come back in the second stanza, but I was strongly disappointed. Now I really didn't see the relevance that the first verse had to the second, it seemed to be lacking all together. I'd really suggest rewriting it.

The lines that really threw me off in it were

Her family had moved away
and stolen her kid

They just don't seem to flow... at all.

The third verse fit... I mean it really did need a bit of clarity in the end, but it worked. I hope you rewrite the second verse and edit the third though, this has a lot of potential.

P.S. I'd love some feedback on my poem, "I married my depression" if you have the time.
#3
After reading it i agree with you. I guess ill try to re-write the 2nd stanza and change the 3rd then ^_^
Ill comment on yours when i get the chance, but im a bit busy at the moment.
Fender Special Edition Custom Telecaster FMT HH in Crimson Red
Reverend Sensei HB FM in Tobacco Burst
Fender Vintage C Neck, HH, Surf Green Nitrocellulose (Handmade)

Egnater Rebel-30 MKI Head
Egnater Tourmaster Series 412B 280W 4x12 Cabinet
#4
If you want help, go to S&L Techniques subforum, if you want a critique on your work, post just the piece with a correct title.

Reporterd.