#1
Another rough draft I'd like some feedback on before beginning revision. The forum has helped me a fair bit with the last few songs, please keep up the good work. crit for crit of course.

(untitled)

Baby earns her wings
Laying down that backbeat;
You felt the waves meet
At the hall last night.

The color in her veins:
A whole new world order.
She don't care what you told her-
Knows what she likes.


Out of that stagelight comes
A rhythm that moves your bones,
A secret for every son
That opens up his eyes.


What it means to me-
A man in yellowed corners,
Faded old wallflower.
Can't move his feet.

When her lover sings-
The weight of his person
Both sound and vision:
What I couldn't be.


Out of the shadows comes
A hungry but dulcet moan,
A secret for every son
Who'd open up his eyes.


I saw the stagelights fade.
The last call venue closed-
The blue left from the buzz
As they fell upon the road.
Yes,
Baby earns her wings
Laying down that backbeat
While those left listening
Close their eyes and wait.


I specifically wonder how contrived and cliche the whole thing feels. A buddy of mine loved the first verse but insisted that running with a musician theme was forced and just plain cheesy. Let me know what you think on that and all other ideas/critiques you have on it. Thanks!
Last edited by dullsilver_mike at Jan 12, 2009,
#2
Baby earns her wings
Laying down that backbeat;
You felt the waves meet
At the hall last night.

The color in her veins:
A whole new world order.
She don't care what you told her-
Knows what she likes.

The first two "verses" establish a pleasant mood. Very well done.

Out of that stagelight comes
A rhythm that moves your bones,
A secret for every son
That opens up his eyes.

What it means to me-
A man in yellowed corners,
Faded old wallflower.
Can't move his feet.

These second two are just collectively "good", but they grow on me a bit more each time I reread them. I think they age like wine. Haha. I'm glad that you could accomplish something like that.

When her lover sings-
The weight of his person
Both sound and vision:
What I couldn't be.

This evokes what it should, I think, and its achieved folk status.

Out of the shadows comes
A hungry but dulcet moan,
A secret for every son
Who'd open up his eyes.

Good writing here, but it just doesn't affect me like the other verses in this piece.

I saw the stage lights fade.
The last call venue closed-
The blue left from the buzz
As the fell upon the road.
Yes,
Baby earns her wings
Laying down that back beat
While those left listening
Close their eyes and wait.

I think there is a type-o in line 4... but that's just fine. The piece comes full circle at the end and ends on the same note it began with, which I like.



This was a pretty good piece. Overall, I feel very pleasant feelings for what I just read. I'm impressed. Keep up the good work, friend.

Oh yeah... I can see what your friend is getting at, but, with the sometimes trite lyricism of today's generation, it never hurts to go back to the older ideals. Not one bit.
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