#1
There is a map of the world
near the bed where I dream.
These dreams (the ones that I remember)
are supposed to be exotic.
That was the intention.
They never seem to take place
anywhere but in my head.
Right now I can’t think
of any location that I’ve dreamt of.
But I never ask myself
“Where am I?”
because I might answer:
“In bed” and then wake up.
Maybe I’ve been to India, Angola, and Peru.
But I wouldn’t recognize that.

And on the nights when I don’t dream,
(unless this counts as a dream)
sleep is a cold night
where you’d be surprised
when someone told you it was drizzling.

I see this map when I wake up.
The angle distorts it.
Once, I realized that it is distorted
at any angle. Partially because
it is not a globe. And partially because
no one experiences the world like a map.
#2
Ending was very disappointing.

It had no pizazz this whole thing had this sort of wonderful enchanting build up to it... and I got to the end and it was so flat. There was no peak... no pay off to the build up; and no drop off or slow down. Like a graph that just goes up and then flattens out without reaching a defining point; and doesn't drop back off to at least show a conclusion to the event. It just sort of flattens out and floats along; without really defining anything.

Ending needs work... everything else was good.
#4
It just felt so anti-climactic to me. Like all the build up was for naught... like you really didn't discover anything that you really expressed to me.

That whole last stanza... it doesn't come across to me at all... its so unclear what you really want me to understand from it. It feels like it careens all around a point; without ever touching on anything I can lock into. The lack of point makes it feel like all that build up leads to no self-discovery or really... anything; because its like a bunch of slices of metaphor thrown together without defining anything or without telling a story or anything.

I guess it just makes the whole thing feel hollow to a point. This built up like I should take something from it... and I didn't really.
#6
I really liked the ending but the repetition of dream and angle brushed on too much. It made it sound more rambly to me. I like the last 2 sentences but before that it edges on awkwardness to me.

I'm gonna say I like this, I connected with it, but it wasn't as smooth as some of your stuff. It was more idea centered which isn't bad, but I think you could iron it out a touch more.

quick thoughts:

Quote by DorkusMalorkus
There is a map of the world
near the bed where I dream.
"the bed where I dream" works but it wasn't great. I'd consider leaving out "where I dream" actually and maybe change "these" to my in the next line... I dunno
These dreams (the ones that I remember) don't like the parenthesis here or later very much. It doesn't help it to be separated, I think
are supposed to be exotic.
That was the intention. I'd use that "is" the intention since it seems like it's still occurring since you say "are" supposed to be exotic right before this.
They never seem to take place
anywhere but in my head.
Right now I can’t think
of any location that I’ve dreamt of.
But I never ask myself
“Where am I?”
because I might answer:
“In bed” and then wake up.
Maybe I’ve been to India, Angola, and Peru.
But I wouldn’t recognize that.
This was good but a little detatched sounding. I suppose that's fitting but just saying.

And on the nights when I don’t dream,
(unless this counts as a dream) ehh, didn't like this line
sleep is a cold night
where you’d be surprised
when someone told you it was drizzling.
Like the idea here. This was alright but a little out of nowhere and into nowhere.

I see this map when I wake up.
The angle distorts it.
Once, I realized that it is distorted
at any angle.
did not like the third sentences wording at all. It didn't do much for me at all. I'd reword it but that could be just me
Partially because
it is not a globe. And partially because
no one experiences the world like a map.
I thought the ending was very good. I'm not sure if it led up to it perfectly, it seemed a little thin on the whole but it was a pretty good piece


I liked this. didn't love it but liked it.

hope that helps some
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#7
the idea was there
but it didn't have anything to support it
Reaching for the sun
one may forget
the feet which
ground him