#1
(Verse)
What would you do if we stole your children?
What would you do if we took them away?
What would you do if we stole your soul?
What would you do if we left you empty?

What do we want?
FREEDOM!
When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
What do we want?
FREEDOM!
When do we want it?
NOW!

(Verse)
How can you stand there, eye closed tight?
How can you stand there, deaf as a stone?
Can't you see us, out here fighting?
Can't you hear that we're not alone?

What do we want?
FREEDOM!
When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
What do we want?
FREEDOM!
When do we want it?
NOW!

(Bridge)
No one ever talks about oppression.
No one talks about the sins of man.
The only way that they will even listen,
Is if you and I take to the streets and make them.


(Chant along part.)

We will not back down.
We will not give in.

(Verse)
We'll bring light to the world with fire.
We'll bring light to the minds of man.
We won't stop till we make a difference.
We won't stop till oppression ends.
Eyes
Quote by woodenbandman
My dear man, I must petition you for photographic evidence, or the described events cannot be verified, and will be written off as fallacy.
#2
Instead of "Is If you and I take to the streets and make them!" sing "Is if you and I make them understand!" but whatever its yours.
#3
Awesome. Thanks for the suggestion.
Eyes
Quote by woodenbandman
My dear man, I must petition you for photographic evidence, or the described events cannot be verified, and will be written off as fallacy.
#4
I can't really get a long with what you wrote,
and I'm not anti-gay.
I think prop. 8 shouldn't have been passed.

I just think that from a writing standpoint, especially with such a controversial topic,
that it needs more substance than,
"What would you do if we....."

keep writing,
-LeRittard

Flam·boy·ant
French, from participle of flamboyer to flame
1:Characterized by waving curves suggesting flames
2:Marked by or given to strikingly elaborate or colorful display or behavior

#5
What would you suggest?
Eyes
Quote by woodenbandman
My dear man, I must petition you for photographic evidence, or the described events cannot be verified, and will be written off as fallacy.
#6
The line "we'll bring light to the world with fire" recalls the terrorist hippies of the 60s.
Don't light stuff on fire man. It's just not cool.
#7
I haven't the slighted idea what Prop. 8 is, so i'll just listen and learn...


(Verse)
What would you do if we stole your children?
What would you do if we took them away?
What would you do if we stole your soul?
What would you do if we left you empty?
nope, that was no help.
is this about forced abortions and sterilizations?
social services having too much power and removing children from families?
i am still unsure what it's about.
you might have done more with this.
line 2 is just a reiteration of line 1
same with line 4 and line 3.
this is so locked into a structure that you waste a ton of space
and little comes across.


What do we want?
FREEDOM!
When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
What do we want?
FREEDOM!
When do we want it?
NOW!
blah, blah, blah.
the same old chant we've hear for eons from picketers.
nothing new here.


(Verse)
How can you stand there, eye closed tight?
How can you stand there, deaf as a stone?
Can't you see us, out here fighting?
Can't you hear that we're not alone?
hmmm. just bitching about people not being involved.
why should i care? i still don't know what this prop is
and why you hate Arkansas.
The rhymes are adequate.
but just barely.
and nothing strong about the rhythm or sonics.

What do we want?
FREEDOM!
When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
What do we want?
FREEDOM!
When do we want it?
NOW!

(Bridge)
No one ever talks about oppression.
No one talks about the sins of man.
The only way that they will even listen,
Is if you and I take to the streets and make them.
sigh.
more preaching, but little is actually being said.



(Chant along part.)

We will not back down.
We will not give in.

(Verse)
We'll bring light to the world with fire.
this is the first part of the whole damned song i could care about.
i dunno if you're talking about burning down the world
or the fire is rage. this ambiguity attracts my attention.
and the image is strong.

We'll bring light to the minds of man.
Ugh. what the hell?
you had me, then you went back to boring me to death.
quit "bringing light" and move forward with the concept.
this repetition is a boner-killer.
you brought light to the world with fire,
maybe you could bring fire to the heart of man.
or something, really anything that doesn't start with a repeat of the previous

We won't stop till we make a difference.
We won't stop till oppression ends.
well, at least you were consistent.
you repeated, just saying the same thing with a few different words.



with exception of one line, this song did nothing for me.
i felt like i was listening to an angry mob chanting,
but i had no clue why the were mad.
that made me hate them.
if that was what you're after, you nailed it.
but i suspect it isn't.
were you just taking a formula and throwing a few words into it,
hoping to end up with a song?
sorry if that seems harsh,
but i felt little and learned even less.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#8
I live in so-cal so you better believe I was on the front lines fighting the dumb prop.
So I definitely admire the content.

But I believe it's a tad simple.

I think a good line, something you might be able to incorporate, is maybe a line or two in regards to how we have the freedom of speech, religion, and hate, but not love.
We have the freedom to hate who we want to, but not love. You should throw that in there.

You know?

But I totally dig it. 10 golden shiny stars for you my friend.

Quote by Mr. Rittard
I can't really get a long with what you wrote,
and I'm not anti-gay.
I think prop. 8 shouldn't have been passed.

I just think that from a writing standpoint, especially with such a controversial topic,
that it needs more substance than,
"What would you do if we....."

keep writing,
-LeRittard


This is completely contradictory to my beliefs and is pretty hypocritical, but you're an idiot, and a law should be passed to limit your power to effect the lives effecting millions of people, none of them including you.
You should have the right to say what you want, just as you did.
But you shouldn't have the right to take anything away from someone that isn't yours.
Quote by Guitar0player
You're Thurstonsexual

Happily E-Married to En_zed
The public doesn't want new music; the main thing that it demands of a composer is that he be dead.
-- Arthur Honegger

Enjoy reading? Please crit my work .
Last edited by x_thurston_x at Jan 9, 2009,
#9
Nothing here works.
Nothing in this piece even touched on Prop. 8 (or Arkansas for that matter).
What if you did take my children and my soul?
Where does Prop. 8 play into that?

The chanting was uninspired and reminded of of lame tought guy straight-edge Hardcore, and practically all of the rhyming was forced.
Poor advice.
#10
Quote by x_thurston_x

This is completely contradictory to my beliefs and is pretty hypocritical, but you're an idiot, and a law should be passed to limit your power to effect the lives effecting millions of people, none of them including you.
You should have the right to say what you want, just as you did.
But you shouldn't have the right to take anything away from someone that isn't yours.


you're letting your beliefs on the subject matter cloud the fact that this is an utterly poor piece of writing. no one has implied that the writer's cause isn't worthy, only that the manner in which he fights for it is painfully cliche and uninspiring.
#11
Here's my thoughts

First off im gonna forget the whole prop 8 thing and cut you some slack.


Verse)
What would you do if we stole your children?
What would you do if we took them away?
What would you do if we stole your soul?
What would you do if we left you empty?


First 3 lines would be able to be sung way to straight forward and very predictable. Than you wrote the last line that leaves everything off it's like singing than hitting your head on a brick wall.



What do we want?
FREEDOM!
When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
What do we want?
FREEDOM!
When do we want it?
NOW!

Ok this isn't orginal for one but say this is 1970 and used in a pink floyd song or something it might have worked back than if it was sung by like a bunch of little kids or something.


(Verse)
How can you stand there, eye closed tight?
How can you stand there, deaf as a stone?
Can't you see us, out here fighting?
Can't you hear that we're not alone?

Sounds like a rap in my head, now your having genre complications.


What do we want?
FREEDOM!
When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
What do we want?
FREEDOM!
When do we want it?
NOW!

Chorus is gonna be very short which leaves you to be desired anyways.

(Bridge)
No one ever talks about oppression.
No one talks about the sins of man.
The only way that they will even listen,
Is if you and I take to the streets and make them.

Complain, Complain, Complain. Also your allready taking it to the streets as expressed in the chorus... So it really makes little sense.
(Chant along part.)

We will not back down.
We will not give in.

This is the part that pissed me off... ITS A THROWDOWN SONG!!!!


(Verse)
We'll bring light to the world with fire.
We'll bring light to the minds of man.
We won't stop till we make a difference.
We won't stop till oppression ends.

Lastly everything is written the same and just put a ryhme
"What would you" "How can you" "Can't you" "No one"

than of course the last lines you wrote.

all in all at least you did ryhme. Im not gonna preach how (english accent) bloody atrochious it was cause honestly you wouldn't be putting it up if you didn't need help.


Here's some tips that you should use when writing. Put yourself in the shoes of the thousands or in the shoe of that one person. Imagine what it would be like. The mind and creativity is a funny thing.

Work on
1. Originality
2. Suspense
3. Imagery
4. Not being repettive

overall 1/5
#12
All I can say is that I hope you listen to everything that's been said and take it under deep consideration. I think the biggest mistake you made here was tackling such a deep and controversial topic while you're still a learning writer. Hell, an experienced writer would have trouble writing for such a topic. It's really, really hard to write these sort of things without coming off how you did. LIke an angry mob or zealous preacher or worse. Stick to simple stuff while you're still learning, then once you get good, give it another crack. You never know.
#13
great protest song man.
i feel like this would seriously work with every genre, like from you sitting on the corner with an acoustic to a metal band, probably it would all sound good. the only thing i dnt like is the first verse.
it doesnt seem to fit with the rest of the song... maybe consider whether or not you really need it...
#14
Why don't you just call it '**** Arkansas'? It's less obvious and more people would want to know more if they only knew the title.
#15
Quote by x_thurston_x
This is completely contradictory to my beliefs and is pretty hypocritical, but you're an idiot, and a law should be passed to limit your power to effect the lives effecting millions of people, none of them including you.
You should have the right to say what you want, just as you did.
But you shouldn't have the right to take anything away from someone that isn't yours.



Jesus Christ, have you ever been in this forum before?
The idea of S&L (in case you don't know) is to post lyrics/poetry/prose one has written and get constructive, critical and useful feedback on the piece, not hand out "10 shiny gold stars" just because you like the topic of the piece.

Nothing that gets posted here is perfect.
Everyone's writing gets pulled apart, even as it's being praised.
Poor advice.
#16
Quote by stellar_legs
Jesus Christ, have you ever been in this forum before?
The idea of S&L (in case you don't know) is to post lyrics/poetry/prose one has written and get constructive, critical and useful feedback on the piece, not hand out "10 shiny gold stars" just because you like the topic of the piece.

Nothing that gets posted here is perfect.
Everyone's writing gets pulled apart, even as it's being praised.


I wasn't talking about what the poster had said about TS's piece, but what they said about prop 8.

The ten stars were for being ballsy enough to post something like that and knowing full well that people are still super sensitive about the issue.

The piece itself, like I said, was a little simple and I didn't bother to elaborate because I don't have much else to say.

How did you not get that?
Quote by Guitar0player
You're Thurstonsexual

Happily E-Married to En_zed
The public doesn't want new music; the main thing that it demands of a composer is that he be dead.
-- Arthur Honegger

Enjoy reading? Please crit my work .
#17
Quote by x_thurston_x
I wasn't talking about what the poster had said about TS's piece, but what they said about prop 8.

The ten stars were for being ballsy enough to post something like that and knowing full well that people are still super sensitive about the issue.

The piece itself, like I said, was a little simple and I didn't bother to elaborate because I don't have much else to say.

How did you not get that?
Even worse.

thurson, you're the one missing the point. what Randy is telling you is spot-on.

1 - You DON'T argue politics on thread in S&L

2 - If the facts are completely wrong, it matters not.
If the writing is good, it's a good piece.
If the writing sucks, the piece sucks.
Doesn't matter if the cause is cause is just. The writing is the issue.

3 - You were completely out of line when you called Mr. Rittard an idiot.
He was telling TS he is on the same side of the issue, but this song was lacking in substance.


Post about the writing, not the politics.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#18
Quote by kdownes
LIke an angry mob or zealous preacher or worse.


i thought this is what he was trying to do...
#20
I had read should have, re-read it, and still said "should have been passed".

Yep. Sorry.

EDIT: To Mr. Rittard. Jumping down your throat, uncalled for, but only cause I misread. I would have reacted the same way had you said what I thought you did.
Quote by Guitar0player
You're Thurstonsexual

Happily E-Married to En_zed
The public doesn't want new music; the main thing that it demands of a composer is that he be dead.
-- Arthur Honegger

Enjoy reading? Please crit my work .
Last edited by x_thurston_x at Jan 11, 2009,
#21
Ok, thank you guys for the criticism, and I didn't mean to get people pissed off at each other. I did intend this song to be slightly more simple than work I have done before. I wanted it to be a protest song, and use principles of rhetoric, in which you repeat yourself to hammer a point or idea home. The chorus and the chant are meant to be sang by not just the band, but the members of the audience. If you think about it that way I think it would more powerful than it is on paper.

To the fellow who said I was just learning to write, this is not an early piece, nor the first time I have tackle a big subject. I had no intention of making this song explain what Prop. 8 is, it is only to express my feelings and the feelings of others, about how Prop. 8 and how Arkansas repeal of the right for same sex couples to adopt children. I guess I have very personal ties to these subjects. This is a rough draft, and there is work needed, but i think maybe a little clarification was needed.
Eyes
Quote by woodenbandman
My dear man, I must petition you for photographic evidence, or the described events cannot be verified, and will be written off as fallacy.