#1
this political song which is a work in progress, it's about how the USA stuffed everything up

The sky is red x2
Signafies the dead, that you all sent
To the Iraq war x2
All it did was make the U.S poor

Useless your Useless
the thing you do is best
is leave a ****ing big mess.

Another war that was pointless was Vietnam
We can only blame Uncle Sam
Helicopters and hand grenades
gave U.S a brand new trade

To solve problems with sole brute force
The leaders not caring putting on the golf course

Useless your Useless
the thing you do is best
is leave a ****ing big mess.


What about thousands of dollars damage in baghdad
Don't you understand your making the world mad.
Your economy is down and in the pits
It's effecting everyone and giving them the ****s
You need to make up and make up big
Don't try putting lipstick on a pig

Useless your Useless
the thing you do is best
is leave a ****ing big mess
#2
hahaha this made me laugh "It's effecting everyone and giving them the ****s" i dont really know much about this stiff so its hard to relate to it but your opinions are strong and true keep it up
we're all fake until we choose to die
poisoned by love and twisted lie's
#3
If terrorists killed thousands of innocent people in ur country, I'm sure ur views would be different.
#4
This is such a mess I can't tell whether it's serious or not. I think you really have to mature as both a person and a writer before you can write such topical and controversial pieces.

tl;dr it's sh*t.

I'm going to be back, I will enjoy telling how nearly every line is wrong.
Why?
Because what does misery love...?
*Silence*
Misery loves company!
#5
Quote by ginjaninja
This is such a mess I can't tell whether it's serious or not. I think you really have to mature as both a person and a writer before you can write such topical and controversial pieces.

tl;dr it's sh*t.

I'm going to be back, I will enjoy telling how nearly every line is wrong.
Why?
Because what does misery love...?
*Silence*
Misery loves company!


read the bold. thats why I stay away from writing political pieces, because I dont think i have the maturity to look at it with open eyes yet. But still, for a first time piece, I dont think its bad. good ideas taht were pretty poorly executed I guess. wanna take a look at my song?
Quote by Zero-Hartman
The Bible is awesome. Revelation is so badass, I mean, dragons and angels and the devil having an epic battle in the clouds? Badass.
#6
Quote by esp 4 life
It's about how the USA stuffed everything up
Research. Now. You at least have to tell the truth.

The sky is red x2
This doesn't warrant repetition. And even if it did, please w r i t e it out, instead of just "x2". That means nothing as a piece of writing.
signifies the dead, that you all sent
Are you trying to accuse everyone in the US of sending men to their deaths?
To the Iraq war x2
What I said before x2. Also I hate how singular this is. This whole piece would benefit from being much more general, about "a war" with "a country" and "some soldiers".
All it did was make the U.S poor
I smiled at how forced this rhyme was. It was so uneccessary, you didn't rhyme L1+2 like that, so why 3+4?

Useless you're Useless
This line is.... rubbish. It makes no sense.
the thing you do is best
Proofread please.
is leave a ****ing big mess.
This is so bad, I cried with laughter. It's is such a child's take on the war, blinded with ignorance. And the rhymes were hilarious too, as was the syntax.

Another war that was pointless was Vietnam
So many syllables, the flow wasn't too good.
We can only blame Uncle Sam
Helicopters and hand grenades
gave the U.S. a brand new trade
This was better. Still about minus two on a scale of one to ten though. Although, as I said before, I'm not a fan of the specifics. Remember that the "S" in US is still part of the acronym, it stands for "states", and still needs a full stop after it. Also remember that people do not live in United States, but the United States. (I am noticing how they are always "U.S" in the piece, never America or anything else.)

To solve problems with sole brute force
Have a think about the syntax here. Remember that sole=one. I think you mean "solely with brute..."
The leaders not caring putting on the golf course
Punctuation please. Is "leaders" referring to many leaders not caring, or the leader is not caring?

Useless your Useless
the thing you do is best
is leave a ****ing big mess.
As before.

What about thousands of dollars damage in Baghdad
Capitals for countries.
Don't you understand you're making the world mad.
Your economy is down and in the pits
It's effecting everyone and giving them the ****s
Please do some damn research on the global economic crisis kthxbai.
You need to make up and make up big
Don't try putting lipstick on a pig
Sarah Palin? What the f*ck has she got to do with this? How is this line at all related?

Useless your Useless
the thing you do is best
is leave a ****ing big mess
As above



Yeah it's shit. And I'm not even American, so don't pull the patriotism card on me...

The rhymes here are the things of nightmares.
#9
Quote by esp 4 life
its a joke
i don't see the humour.

that post was immediately after the one you just posted, so i won't report you for bumping. but please, use the edit. don't post twice.

this song is largely forgettable. but maybe you can learn something from writing it. idk.
even though homophones can't be distinguished when sung, for presentation on the page, try to get the words rite write right. at least if you put some effort into it, people will be more likely to take you seriously.



The sky is red x2
as mentioned previously, write it out. x2 looks like horrible.
Signafies the dead, that you all sent *Signifies
To the Iraq war x2
All it did was make the U.S poor
just a collection of phrases that rhyme.
terribly forced.


Useless your Useless *you're
the thing you do is best
is leave a ****ing big mess. *fucking
if you're gonna curse, do it right.
or better yet, just don't do it.


Another war that was pointless was Vietnam
We can only blame Uncle Sam
Helicopters and hand grenades
gave U.S a brand new trade
this totally gives away your technique.
you don't even bother to segue to Vietnam.
you just toss it out there, because it's an easy target.
lazy.

To solve problems with sole brute force
sole brute force? lol wut? that's the clumsiest phrase i've heard in a month.
The leaders not caring putting on the golf course

Useless your Useless
the thing you do is best
is leave a ****ing big mess.


What about thousands of dollars damage in baghdad *Baghdad
Don't you understand your making the world mad. *you're
Your economy is down and in the pits
It's effecting everyone and giving them the ****s *affecting *shits
You need to make up and make up big
Don't try putting lipstick on a pig
this is the closest you've come to doing something worth reading in this piece.
the contrast between make up and makeup almost works.


Useless your Useless
the thing you do is best
is leave a ****ing big mess


i only focused on the little details. but this piece is a bloody mess. it's a rant. big deal. you bitch about something being wrong, but you don't put any effort into making this gel. it's all over the map. why would i care to listen?
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#10
the ryhmes are forced horribly throughout the whole song
Quote by cpt_pimp
my last fail was breaking up with my gf.

that's going to suck for a while


Quote by leg end
Well, not really haha!


#11
I'm with everyone else on this.

In my opinion, political themes like this always fail when you directly attack the government. The point of view has been done to death, and it devolves it into shouting at a brick wall. There's a difference between negativity and feeling pain. I can see everything you're saying, but I don't feel it. My basic instincts don't really care about what I'm seeing. It's not the first time I've seen politics be negative, they're always negative. But it's not a needle pricking my skin unless you bring it home.

And lurn 2 spel, aight?
#12
^this^ I agree with.

I wrote a song on a similar topic, but when you ask people to critisise your opinion on something touchy like goverment, you're asking for trouble.
Rip Kylee Harris 4.13.93-11.28.08
Quote by Capt_Clarkson
tell him that he is the drummer and that his opinions are invalid

Quote by Jim Harkins
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

#13

The sky is red x2
Signafies the dead, that you all sent
To the Iraq war x2
All it did was make the U.S poor
Very nice! the "x2," cleverly repeated two lines later, adds an immediate air of urgency and creates an unorthodox form. The fact that the piece is clearly an apostrophe aimed at God or some other form of onmipresence, as evidenced by the ambiguity of the pronoun "you," shows true maturity and a good grasp of poetic devices. Truly the misspelling is of deep "signaficance," showing the foolishness of mortal man.


Useless your Useless
the thing you do is best
is leave a ****ing big mess.
What at first appears to be a grammatical error, on closer inspection, turns out to be a brilliant use of wordplay. Again, where "you" refers to God, the implication that "His useless" are useless employs redundancy to stress the nonsensical nature of man and war in general. The "big mess" that God leaves, clearly, is in the hearts and minds of us all. The asterisks add strongly to the atmosphere here, showing how the narrator is censored by his oppressive government. Bold!

Another war that was pointless was Vietnam
We can only blame Uncle Sam
Helicopters and hand grenades
gave U.S a brand new trade

This is absolutely glorious. The forced rhyme of "VietNAM," mispronounced, and "uncle SAM" shows the ignorance of the speaker. He doesn't know how to pronounce names of places, but in his uneducated state he is truly innocent. For the mere act of knowledge brings the stain of corruption. I really like the way you can get such universal messages across with the kind of down-home flair you do.

To solve problems with sole brute force
The leaders not caring putting on the golf course

YES!!!

Useless your Useless
the thing you do is best
is leave a ****ing big mess.


What about thousands of dollars damage in baghdad
Don't you understand your making the world mad.
"Thousands of dollars?" INCREDIBLE! By vastly understating the extent of the damage in Baghdad, you express an existentialist viewpoint. How much are those buildings REALLY worth? Is even human life valuable? I stroke my beard in wonderment. The world, truly, has gone mad.
Your economy is down and in the pits
It's effecting everyone and giving them the ****s
I don't even think I need to say anything about this line other than that to the astute reader, careful study of the word choice here will lead to the discovery of a very clever pun.
You need to make up and make up big
Don't try putting lipstick on a pig
The pig confuses me, which is my sole caveat about this piece. Does it represent the "filthy swine" that the working class is percieved to be, or is it an allusion to Orwell's Animal Farm, in which pigs were represented as the "intellectuals" or ruling class? Although perhaps your brilliance transcends my perception here. Lord knows your skills far outweigh mine or anyone else's on this world. Save for perhaps one William Shakespeare.


Useless your Useless
the thing you do is best
is leave a ****ing big mess

A beatutiful, and triumphant close to a glorious masterpiece for the ages.


Overall, I'd give it a ten out of ten on any scale. At least a nine point nine. I look forward to reading your future pieces, esp_4_life, and I hope that in writing this review, that even the remotest atom of your abilities has rubbed off on me.
Last edited by flame843 at Jan 5, 2009,
#14
well i'll be honest. i don't like it either.
but (and this may sound cheesy) don't give up on writing
i think people overreacted to this piece because it's about a controversial topic. Anyways, *most* of them don't bite *most* of the time.
#15
I'm an exception to that biting thing. But I don't bite Dan or Katherine (He's Irish, she's my secret forum crush.)

Anyway, it is very true that people overreacted to this because of the topic, but most of all it was how it was presented. Hesh was right in everything.
#16
Agreed. Presentation was everything here. In all honesty, I don't even remember the issues he was trying to bring up. It sounded the same as any other political song.

And S&L is a nice place. We just give out some tough love