#1
[profanity] ---> [introduction]

c4c. ots.

keyhole
standards.
i've been drinking again.
pouring cheap vodka off emerson bridge.
"this one's for you zooey, and all those nights you wouldn't fuck me."
i wanted to wrap my shitbox car around the nearest streetlight,
because i think paramedics are really 'nice people'.
i tied up tubes in the hospital, but i don't really know what they were for.
i pawed my left hand, pale white ribbon. i pawned my wedding ring.
i haven't slept right since i started eating again.
there's something comfortable about embracing death,
grabbing that overzealous fuck and telling him that it's all gonna be okay.
i paced pavement with taxi dreams of getting home, but it's gonna take more
than a yellow rocket to get me there. much, much more.

omissions.
flicker, flicker, silver sky,
and then the world turns upside down.
suicidal comma unhealthy.
a white knight riding in on a sharpened syringe
and a nightmare that doesn't seem to end.
i was you once, a soft-sleeping, mouth-breathing
ballroom dancer tip-toeing through each season.
and i'd run my fingers across old photo albums
and i'd look back and smile, and then i'd turn around
and find that if i really looked all the way back,
this is where i was heading all along.
crashcrashcrashcrashcrashcrush.
you never had a chance.
#2
Wow, I liked this. It was nice to see a different tone in your pieces. This is well handled. THis could very easily have been bad, but as usual, you've handled it masterfully. I loved it But I'm biased.
#3
It has substance. I like that. This piece seems important, but possibly very personal? I like the freshness of your style that you have dictated here.

Kudos.
No data.
#5
Keyhole: Excellent use of imagery and tone... Very angsty and depressed, but in just the right amount to make the reader question morality, rather than just accept the idea that everything is hopeless. I also liked the fact that it serves as a good reminder to not take things for granted; some people have personal demons the likes of which most of us couldn't even begin to comprehend, and it's good to remember that and be happy with the life we have, even if it isn't absolutely perfect (I don't know if that was your intent or not, but it was something I took from it).

Omissions: Good, but not quite on par with Keyhole, methinks. From "[...] I was you once" down, the use of imagery pulls the reader in and makes it feel intiguing, but above that feels a bit... Inconsistant. I thought that "a white knight riding in on a sharpened syringe/and a nightmare that doesn't seem to end" seemed forced and kinda cliched, for instance, which was odd considered that you'd avoided doing so everywhere else. Those are incredibly miniscule details for me to be pointing out, mind you, but I like to judge writing relatively, based on how well the author can write. Keyhole made me certain that you are a writer who can avoid cliches and forced rhyme entirely, and that you can simply put feeling into prose without any of that crap (a rare skill indeed), so I thought I ought to point it out nonetheless.

Both are still very, very good, though. I really like the voice of your writing.
Last edited by Hollandmc at Jan 5, 2009,
#6
These are really great, in my opinion.
They come to life for me,
very realistic and emotional.

Like jstarbob said,
it has substance.

and that substance makes it great.
excellent job, mate.

Flam·boy·ant
French, from participle of flamboyer to flame
1:Characterized by waving curves suggesting flames
2:Marked by or given to strikingly elaborate or colorful display or behavior

#7
thanks all, this was very personal, and not personal at all. i watched bringing out the dead (underrated scorsese film) and felt this way, and wrote it down. hollandmc, thanks for the words and i appreciate your interpretations, but i'd like to mention one small thing, the first cut is called standards (referring to the circle in the keyhole) and the second part is called omissions (referring to the trapezoidal shape coming off the circle), and then the whole thing is called keyhole. i know it's not important, but i definitely thought it was the cleverest thing about the whole piece, so i just had to mention it. anyway, thanks guys.
Last edited by NGD1313 at Jan 5, 2009,
#8
I didn't know that about the names of the parts of a keyhole,
that made the whole thing even better.

kudos,
-LeRittard

Flam·boy·ant
French, from participle of flamboyer to flame
1:Characterized by waving curves suggesting flames
2:Marked by or given to strikingly elaborate or colorful display or behavior

#9
Quote by NGD1313
thanks all, this was very personal, and not personal at all. i watched bringing out the dead (underrated scorsese film) and felt this way, and wrote it down. hollandmc, thanks for the words and i appreciate your interpretations, but i'd like to mention one small thing, the first cut is called standards (referring to the circle in the keyhole) and the second part is called omissions (referring to the trapezoidal shape coming off the circle), and then the whole thing is called keyhole. i know it's not important, but i definitely thought it was the cleverest thing about the whole piece, so i just had to mention it. anyway, thanks guys.


Ah, gotcha... I didn't even notice the italics under the word "Keyhole". That is clever.