#1
It's pretty much a peice about my school and the hatred I have for it. It's pretty rough at the moment, but I think I'll continue working on it. Feedback is greatly appreciated

You came with walls so tall,
But the ceilings were so shallow,
You better teach me how to crawl.
And when citizenship is so expensive,
You’d expect some kind of rich incentive,
No kid, you’re on your own,
You’re all alone.

Red brick wall,
You know just how to bore me,
This building’s so small,
But they manage to ignore me,
And this walkway leads,
To an everlasting hell hole,
I wont go down to the harbour today.

Let’s go away for a day,
To somewhere far worse,
It’s not my decision anyway,
But bravery is not core curriculum,
I’m sorry I’m not Abel Tasman,
I might as well leave,
I might forget to breathe.

Red brick wall,
You know just how to bore me,
This building’s so small,
But they manage to ignore me,
And this walkway leads,
To an everlasting hell hole,
I wont go down to the harbour today.

But don’t you worry,
I’m not sorry,
I hope the end justifies the means,
One day I’ll show you,
What I can do,
And I’ll forget about this place,
You’re one I’ll never embrace.

Red brick wall,
You know just how to bore me,
This building’s so small,
But they manage to ignore me,
And this walkway leads,
To an everlasting hell hole,
I wont go down to the harbour today.
I'm here to help

Quote by Jimbleton
ok, as usual pit is being very unhelpful except andychalmers, so im gonna go post this someplace else


And a master of storytelling...

Quote by Jackolas
andychalmers102, that story is awesome.
#4
i like that theres a name for school, "red brick wall", instead of just calling it school or something similar. actually, the whole red brick wall section is my favorite part.
Yea that's right, I want something to explode

I've been deaf, now I want noise

LOUD LOVE
#5
Quote by Yuusukedesu
meh

Thanks for the insight
I'm here to help

Quote by Jimbleton
ok, as usual pit is being very unhelpful except andychalmers, so im gonna go post this someplace else


And a master of storytelling...

Quote by Jackolas
andychalmers102, that story is awesome.
#7
Quote by andychalmers102

You came with walls so tall,
But the ceilings were so shallow,
You better teach me how to crawl.
And when citizenship is so expensive,
You’d expect some kind of rich incentive,
No kid, you’re on your own,
You’re all alone.

Its decent, it is... but I'm just not feeling it. I think its a bit insipid.

Red brick wall,
You know just how to bore me,
This building’s so small,
But they manage to ignore me,
And this walkway leads,
To an everlasting hell hole,
I wont go down to the harbour today.

I hope the last line means something to you, and has some relevance because it seems out of place. Yeah, the "red brick wall" concept is pretty good, and you certainly seem like you have some good ideas going on in that head of yours. I just don't enjoy the way you've conveyed them.

Let’s go away for a day,
To somewhere far worse,
It’s not my decision anyway,
But bravery is not core curriculum,
I’m sorry I’m not Abel Tasman,
I might as well leave,
I might forget to breathe.

Some cliche rhyming. I'm still not really feeling it. You know?

Red brick wall,
You know just how to bore me,
This building’s so small,
But they manage to ignore me,
And this walkway leads,
To an everlasting hell hole,
I wont go down to the harbour today.

But don’t you worry,
I’m not sorry,
I hope the end justifies the means,
One day I’ll show you,
What I can do,
And I’ll forget about this place,
You’re one I’ll never embrace.

Eh... there is no imagery. Just angry words. Again, the rhyming.

Red brick wall,
You know just how to bore me,
This building’s so small,
But they manage to ignore me,
And this walkway leads,
To an everlasting hell hole,
I wont go down to the harbour today.


I don't think you've found your style, yet. However, its all a learning process.

I think the piece failed to grab me, in general, but it got your point across.

c4c, please? haha.
No data.