#1
This is a song I wrote (with a couple couplets here and there put in by friends), about ex's and people who've gotten hurt in relationships. I'm thinking of recording it as some epic november rain or estranged thing with piano and acoustic guitars and stuff at first, with a little bridge in between, while the second half of the song where it takes a distinct turn will become hard, distorted, with an epic guitar solo (thank god i can play my instruments well enough to do this ) anyway, here it goes. Its long guys, so bear with me here lol.

EDIT: So I edited in the corrections: if you want to read the original version than read the first comment . I took a lot of hsi comments into consideration, especially what I could about the cliche bits.


Caught by the devil’s silver snare,
Shackled to a thousand worries;
They left my body bare,
Exposed for the crows to share.
A shadow of a summer shade,
A midsummer’s night’s dream,
And if the world’s confusion were to fade,
Nothing would be as everything should seem.

You said you were gonna miss me,
when you took everything away.
Left me across this tear filled sea,
With scarcely a memory.
Denying things that were written in stone,
The laughter of the trees can’t hid that we’re alone.
But as long as you lie there waiting,
I’ll be seizing the day.

A ghost of a summer wind,
Warned me that storm was drawing closer.
Ohh, but I was too blind to see.
I felt the storm drawing closer,
But I trusted my blind memories.
I tried to cross this river alone,
But the bridge broke and left me stranded,
Stranded on the other side.
Stranded, with nowhere left to hide,
And the river’s getting wide.

Thought I had another soul aboard,
Turns out I’m sailing alone.
No maps to guide me home,
Make my way through the unknown.
Time passes by slowly,
Guess we’re all on our own.
Since the start my days were numbered;
You’ve got me thrown.

And all that crass communication that left you feeling old,
Don’t heal the subtle implications that left you in the cold,
With the gross complications that cut you out the fold,
Screaming out in vengeance but you know everybody’s sold.
And there’s not much you can do when you’re dying from the pain,
There’s no denying what’s true when you’ve been left out in the rain.
And there’s nothing in it for you if you’ve got to try to explain,
If you didn’t want to talk to me then you should’ve just refrained.

Some people think I’m insane just cause I’m free from the mundane,
I was hoping that if you were as wild as me; then maybe then you’d remain.
Cause I never did complain and I never wanted to feign,
These contusions I couldn’t contain; I didn’t do this for my gain.
I hear its easy faking pretty, is it easy being loose?
Is it fun playing head games when they don’t get back at you?
You don’t need to make excuses; I don’t need to take the abuse,
Sometimes I got so tired of listening to you whine.

I hung out by the phone; I waited for that call,
And you were the one laughing when I came and took your fall.
You claimed that no one was listening; you were flowing with the times,
But I guess you didn’t pay attention, there were always ample signs.
We think it’s so easy faking happy; it’s so easy faking cool,
It’s so easy to break down when you don’t have nothing to lose.
We think we know what we’re up against amidst all of this strife,
But yet you were surprised when I couldn’t help you take your life.

If you’re ever on the consequence train; think of me, but think in vain.
Cause I’ll be long gone from your disdain, probably forgotten your name.
I’m running from my past, my new life I’m trying to sustain,
Burning the bridges, so you better cut me out your games.
You made me reach that point of rupture such a long time ago,
That I stopped to pick up the pieces, but they’re all buried in the snow.
Flying through the clouds, reminiscing of what should have been,
Piecing together the memories that make you ain’t such a sin ….
Quote by Zero-Hartman
The Bible is awesome. Revelation is so badass, I mean, dragons and angels and the devil having an epic battle in the clouds? Badass.
Last edited by Shadow_Hawk at Jan 5, 2009,
#2
i'll do the first four stanzas now, the other 4 later.
if i dont comment, then it's good which means that almost every line is pretty damn good!
the green lines are the ones that i think are very good

Caught by the devil’s silver snare,
Shackled to a thousand worries,
And left for dead without a care.
get rid of 'and' it sounds like you just added the line on.
Your heartbeat cut me free,
But as I gazed into your eyes,
I could feel a world of pain.
these two lines were a bit too cliche for my liking
If you’d just let me touch you,
same again for this line
Thing would blossom unrestrained.
A shadow of a summer shade,
A midsummer night’s dream, (like the way you included this )
And if the world’s confusion were to fade,
Nothing would be as everything should seem.
Candles could never light the way,
So I’ll be seizing the day.
i dont think these two lines add much tbh

You said you were gonna miss me,
when you took everything away.
Left me across this tear filled sea,
With scarcely a memory.
Denying things that were written in stone,
The laughter of the trees can’t hide that we’re alone.
this line is alright, but im not sure about the laughing trees
But as long as you lie there waiting,
I’ll be seizing the day.

A ghost of a summer wind,
Warned me that storm was drawing closer.
Oh, but I was too blind to see.
I felt the storm drawing closer,
But I trusted my blind memories.
I tried to cross this river alone,
But the bridge broke and left me stranded,
Stranded on the other side.
Stranded, with nowhere left to hide,
And the river’s awfully wide.
awfully just seems so out of place here. use a more 'sophistcated' word

Thought I had another soul aboard,
Turns out I’m sailing alone.
No maps to guide me home,
Make my way through the unknown.

Time passes by slowly,
you’re not on your own,
airing slightly in the cliche side of things
but my days been numbered,
you’ve got me thrown.

second part will come later
thanks for the crit on mine
My current acoustic group:

Fiftieth Parallel

Martin Guitars
Elixer Strings
Acoustic amplification
BOSS pedals

Last edited by jon93971 at Jan 5, 2009,
#3
could anyone suggest a proper title for it as well lol, I only gave it the one it has to post it up on UG.
Quote by Zero-Hartman
The Bible is awesome. Revelation is so badass, I mean, dragons and angels and the devil having an epic battle in the clouds? Badass.
#4
Damn Matt you've out done yourself. Simply magnificant. The title need to be relevant to the song. Great 9.5/10
Myspace.

Quote by djmay71
it wasn't 7 days, it was 5.

and you call yourself the son of catholics

Quote by hugh20
I would keep it on my mantel piece and tell my grandchildren about the day I tried to overthrow the human race with my race of tree-men.
#5
thanks ryan.... and get the cocks out of your ass my friend, it might help you
Quote by Zero-Hartman
The Bible is awesome. Revelation is so badass, I mean, dragons and angels and the devil having an epic battle in the clouds? Badass.
#6
That was definitely worth the read.
I even read it a second time I liked it so much.
I surely want to be notified when it's put into a song!
#7
haha thanks I can definetely PM you when its finished.
Quote by Zero-Hartman
The Bible is awesome. Revelation is so badass, I mean, dragons and angels and the devil having an epic battle in the clouds? Badass.
#9
no problem. thanks for the positive crit guys.
Quote by Zero-Hartman
The Bible is awesome. Revelation is so badass, I mean, dragons and angels and the devil having an epic battle in the clouds? Badass.
#10
And all that crass communication that left you feeling old,
Don’t heal the subtle implications that left you in the cold,
i really liked these two lines
With the gross complications that cut you out the fold,
Screaming out in vengeance but you know everybody’s sold.
again, very nice. but to me the flow of the second line seems a little choppy
And there’s not much you can do when you’re dying from the pain,
There’s no denying what’s true when you’ve been left out in the rain.
great first line, but i'm not so sure about the blue part. to me it seems a little repetitive when you have used a simliar phrase a couple of lines before it.
And there’s nothing in it for you if you’ve got to try to explain,
If you didn’t want to talk to me then you should’ve just refrained.
love the rhymes here

Some people think I’m insane just cause I’m free from the mundane,
I was hoping that if you were as wild as me; then maybe then you’d remain.
good
Cause I never did complain and I never wanted to feign,
These contusions I couldn’t contain; I didn’t do this for my gain.
not much flow in these two lines. however, i don't know what rhythm you have in mind so it could actually work very well, I may just be reading it wrong. you have a lot of lines with the same rhyme, IMO that gets slightly repetitive. nothing wrong with the lines though, they're very good
I hear its easy faking pretty, is it easy being loose?
Is it fun playing head games when they don’t get back at you?
You don’t need to make excuses; I don’t need to take the abuse,
Sometimes I got so tired of listening to you whine.
again, very good
i also like the way you started new rhymes here.

I hung out by the phone; I waited for that call,
And you were the one laughing when I came and took your fall.
i liked the first line, the second was also good, but the ending was slightly cliche
You claimed that no one was listening; you were flowing with the times,
But I guess you didn’t pay attention, there were always ample signs.
excellent
We think it’s so easy faking happy; it’s so easy faking cool,
It’s so easy to break down when you don’t have nothing to lose.
We think we know what we’re up against amidst all of this strife,
But yet you were surprised when I couldn’t help you take your life.
very, very nice... again
i think the 'faking' repetition works really well


If you’re ever on the consequence train; think of me, but think in vain.
Cause I’ll be long gone from your disdain, probably forgotten your name.
I’m running from my past, my new life I’m trying to sustain,
Burning the bridges, so you better cut me out your games.
You made me reach that point of rupture such a long time ago,
That I stopped to pick up the pieces, but they’re all buried in the snow.
up to the comma, is a bit too cliche.
Flying through the clouds, reminiscing of what should have been,
Piecing together the memories that make you ain’t such a sin ….
i didnt really do a line by line crit on this last verse because i'd just be writing very good/loved it after each one

there's the second half as promised
overall, a very well written piece, with just a few small blemishes.
i really liked the fact that the few lines that were cliche, were only slightly cliche. I have read too many pieces about ex's that all have the same lines just jumbled up a bit each time. this was original, and definately stood out from the rest.
awesome work

EDIT: are you actually going to write music for it?? if so i would love to hear it when it's finished
My current acoustic group:

Fiftieth Parallel

Martin Guitars
Elixer Strings
Acoustic amplification
BOSS pedals

Last edited by jon93971 at Jan 7, 2009,
#11
thanks man. and yeah, I'm pretty sure I'm gonna write music for it. im currently thinking of some piano ideas. i'll let you know when its done.
Quote by Zero-Hartman
The Bible is awesome. Revelation is so badass, I mean, dragons and angels and the devil having an epic battle in the clouds? Badass.