#1
I live in a cardboard house
in a street paved with shredded documents.
The house numbers are stuck on stamps
and the brown paper packaging postman
always knows what to send to who
and who they're from

I miss how the sunlight
used to shine off the snow in winter
and how it rained for days at once
but we could never even hear it.
I'm sure the saint of sunshine
is gonna burn us up some day,
and as she saves our souls we'll be
begging for the rain.

I spend my evenings flying with origami sky larks
and we pirouette in to the dark,
shaking blue light off our blanket wings.
I love the way they sing while we're leaving our marks
in the pillows which smoulder beneath us.
Our world is slowly burning up.
One day we'll wake and find we're floating in space
and we'll only stay alive
for Creation's sake;
we won't really have to live
or tie ourselves to anything too big,
but we'll stick together just because
that's the way it is.

I'm sure we'll project ourselves
towards another paper planet
and spawn a new world using things found
in the bottom of my pockets.
Build a shoelace ladder
to the great paperweight in the sky
and up up up we'll climb
until we arrive.
Then we'll stare out at the giant
light emitting trees
and lie that we can no longer see
our loyal inkblot species.


song
needs edit.
thought i'd hand it out to the masses.
i'm starting to hate how i write.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
Last edited by DigUpHerBones at Jan 6, 2009,
#2
I really enjoyed this piece. I'm going to come back soon and do a full crit. PM me if i haven't done it by Wednesday.
#3
I was really enjoying this piece till that last part. Not sure what it is I Liked the essence but something is just off about it. the repetition of "us" is wierd but im not sure that is the main problem. a re-write of the last and it would be as great as the rest of it
#4
Blackdottie.

I feel like it's very majestic, and it has perfect flow. But I as a reader still need more time to actually grasp what's going on, as I am shallow-minded. PM me if I don't come back to your liking.

I will say this. Line four: too much alliteration.
#5
Quote by DigUpHerBones
I live in a cardboard house
in a street paved with shredded documents.
The house numbers are stuck on stamps
and the brown paper packaging postman
always knows what to send to who
and who they're from

The first four lines of this stanza are brilliant, the alliteration and flow is very clever. The other two just don't work, unfortunately. There's something about the repetition of "who" so close together, mised with the flow that makes it not work.

I miss how the sunlight
used to shine off the snow in winter
and how it rained for days at once
but we could never even hear it.
I'm sure the saint of sunshine
is gonna burn us up some day,
and as she saves our souls we'll be
begging for the rain.

The only line i'm not sure about here is "and how it rained for days at once". I don't like "at once", it just doesn't quite seem to work. Everything else, brilliant.

I spend my evenings flying with origami sky larks
and we pirouette in to the dark,
shaking blue light off our blanket wings.
I love the way they sing
while we're leaving our marks in the pillows
which smoulder beneath us.
Our world is burning up.
One day we'll wake and find we're floating in space
and we'll really be able to fly
and we won't even have to live
or tie ourselves to anything too big,
but we'll stick together because that's just
the way it is.

Oh wow, now this, this is really, really good. I think this stanza is one of the best i've ever read from you. The rhyming floating in and out of this is very clever, the little internal rhme of "fly/try" and the rhyming at the start is magic. Actually, this whole stanza is magic.

Meditate, suspended in space,
stop living off our luck
and soon enough the sun will move towards us
and burn us up.

This needs work. I don't like a single line here. I thin you could almost just throw all of this stanza and end on the one before. If you need something here, rewrite it. The repetition of "us" is bad, and the flow is quite iffy in this stanza.





THis was really, really good, Katherine. Really enjoyable. There is just some things that need fixing, and this will be amazing. Really. Loved it straight away, which is rare for me, normally takes me a few reads to find your rhythm, but this, this i loved from the get go. Well done.
#6
well, you've gotten good

honestly I really liked this. I'll reread it and I feel like saying anything else, I will but this was enjoyable first time through.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#7
Kyle got everything I was going to say down to the very word.

I will be back, whether I'll comment or not is another issue.


Also,
"i'm starting to hate how i write."
Join the club. We have pens! (Not that you'd want them, they're more of a parting gift for people who were in the club but then discovered that they liked writing again, so we give them the pen then.)
#8
Quote by DigUpHerBones
I live in a cardboard house
in a street paved with shredded documents.
The house numbers are stuck on stamps
and the brown paper packaging postman
always knows what to send to who
and who they're from

I miss how the sunlight
used to shine off the snow in winter
and how it rained for days at once
but we could never even hear it.
I'm sure the saint of sunshine
is gonna burn us up some day,
and as she saves our souls we'll be
begging for the rain.

I spend my evenings flying with origami sky larks
and we pirouette in to the dark,
shaking blue light off our blanket wings.
I love the way they sing
while we're leaving our marks in the pillows
which smoulder beneath us.
Our world is burning up.
One day we'll wake and find we're floating in space
and we'll really be able to fly
and we won't even have to live
or tie ourselves to anything too big,
but we'll stick together because that's just
the way it is.

Meditate, suspended in space,
stop living off our luck
and soon enough the sun will move towards us
and burn us up.


Okay, so like.


No, really. It's fantastic sometimes. Others, not so much. I love alliteration, and I love it when it actually flows. You can't just blend birds with blue feathered boughs onto toppled tree trunks tapering the shapes of silhouettes outlined and sight-read from the sky - it just doesn't work. You, on the other hand, can blend sunshine with rain, winter with saints and days, and it somehow works out to sound like what I want to hear myself say out loud.

Brown paper packaging postman always knows - is a little strange brought on by the awkward line break and lack of punctuation (now I know the significance of them!), but still sounds better than it looks after you've practiced it a few times. It seems that all that spinning made one of us a bit dizzy, trying to shed that blue light, because I'm having a bit of trouble continuing to follow the flow after they start singing. I'm speaking the obvious, taking after you, because that live big rhyme just didn't sit with me well - I had to move, as much as I appreciate the idea.

The conclusion is burning me up, maybe the sun is too close, maybe because it just doesn't like me. I'm not going to put it on my shit list, because I'll maintain that it didn't mean to offend, but I'll stick with the story that we're just not friends.

As for the rest of it, it does not lack lucidity so much as consistency, but neither do I. We're made for each other.
Last edited by spike_8bkp at Jan 5, 2009,
#9
and we won't even have to live
or tie ourselves to anything too big,
but we'll stick together because that's just
the way it is.

I don't like this assonance, that's all I'll say about it specifically.


I like bits of it and others I didn't. At some points i'm sure you were just going over the top, 'spend my evenings flying with origami sky larks/and we pirouette in to the dark'. This image is basically meaningless for me, it came across as pretty at first but beyond that... The word pirouette made me cringe, i'm not entirely sure why but it comes across as deeply flouncy and pretentious. So much so that any power the image might have had (and you've devoted two lines to it) hasn't hit me at all.

'I spend my evenings flying with origami sky larks
and we pirouette in to the dark,
shaking blue light off our blanket wings.
I love the way they sing
while we're leaving our marks in the pillows
which smoulder beneath us.'

That sequence of images just baffled me. It's evening with the sky larks and you love the way they sing, whilst you're dancing with then, whilst you're leaving your marks on.. smouldering pillows. Each image just goes bam,bam bam and confuses the picture more than the last.

I think what this poem needs most is clarity!

*flounces away*
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
#10
I like the whole piece. Everything from the title to the last line. Something about it just feels out of this world and way different. Its subtle and so very effective at the same time. Feels like a dream almost. Definitely captured my attention so bravo!!
#11
Thank you everyone. I will get to editing the hell out of this tonight. And get back to you all, probably by tomorrow.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#12
if you post up the edited version i will look at that asap. as of now all i got is a +1 to Jimi's post and i don't like giving praise with no criticism to balance it out, you understand.
#13
I've edited. I will edit more.

Mr. Meh, you obviously don't have encyclopedic knowledge of French nursery rhymes *tuts*.

Thank you, everyone. I'll get back to you soon
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#14
Indeed not... damn this not being French

Which bits that then?
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
#15
I stole the whole idea of having a paper house from the nursery rhyme 'Pirouette Cacahuete' (which means 'turn around peanut'). From there you can guess why I used the word pirouette.

Have a video of a strange out of tune French child singing it... with rather lacking actions: http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=dyTeyem4IYY
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#16
i could actually feel myself flying with the origami sky larks

great job man
Reaching for the sun
one may forget
the feet which
ground him
#17
aside from the last two lines of the first stanza, and the very last short stanza, it was brilliant
the last lines of stanza 1 seem too wordy. i don't like the repetition of 'who' either.
the last stanza is basically reiterating lines from the piece. tbh I don't really think it works.
those are the only negative points that I have to make about this piece
great work.
C4C? i know i haven't said much here, but a breif comment on 'We'll Die Trying' in my sig would be much appreciated. Cheers, Jon
My current acoustic group:

Fiftieth Parallel

Martin Guitars
Elixer Strings
Acoustic amplification
BOSS pedals

Last edited by jon93971 at Jan 7, 2009,
#18
^ Do you mean the new last stanza? Thank you, I'll get to you some time soon, but work is piling at the moment.

And since it was mentioned before too, I know the last few lines of the first stanza are a bit dodgy to read, but sung, they work, and it's probably not changing.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#19
ah, I didn't see your new last stanza
In that case, anything I said is now irrelevant
I love the 3rd and 4th lines
My current acoustic group:

Fiftieth Parallel

Martin Guitars
Elixer Strings
Acoustic amplification
BOSS pedals

Last edited by jon93971 at Jan 6, 2009,
#20
No worries, and thank you

*starts on crits*
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#21
Hate how you write? This was gorgeous. I'm jealous of how easily you duck in and out of rhymes. On that topic, "until we arrive" was outstandingly weak. Small pick and quick fix.

I see no reason for you to stop writing wonderful pieces with beautiful imagery.

EDIT: Let me know when you add music to it.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
Last edited by Billyjson at Jan 7, 2009,
#22
I live in a cardboard house
in a street paved with shredded documents.
The house numbers are stuck on stamps
and the brown paper packaging postman
always knows what to send to who
and who they're from
This is slightly strange. It seems all happy, on the outside, but then you get these words and images, for example the first one, a cardboard house, well what does that mean to me? A tramp. A dirty, rarely cleaned street. But then the happy postman. Strange. I'd like to hear the melody of "brown paper packaging postman". I hope you didn't force the illiteration there

You will need to sing the last two lines (the very last especially) to get the rhythm right to end the verse. When read, it feels a little anticlimatic, and with the previously mentioned repetition of "who".


I miss how the sunlight
used to shine off the snow in winter
The flow of this line is a little off. The monosyllabic words seem to drag it out, and "used to" felt redundant. Maybe "would shine", or "had shone".
and how it rained for days at once
Hated "at once". "At a time" would be better. Don't ask me why, some kind of thing for me I guess.
but we could never even hear it.
I'm sure the saint of sunshine
is gonna burn us up some day,
and as she saves our souls we'll be
begging for the rain.
This was brilliant. Fantastic. The s's really drew the idea across in a nice pretty flow-y way (and the day/rain half rhyme was nice and subtle.)

I spend my evenings flying with origami sky larks
and we pirouette into? the dark,
Beautiful
shaking blue light off our blanket wings.
I love the way they sing while we're leaving our marks
in the pillows which smoulder beneath us.
Our world is slowly burning up.
Great. (Notice how my American dictionary believes "smoulder" is spelled without the "u", and "spelt" isn't a word.)
One day we'll wake and find we're floating in space
Space?!?! Where'd that come from?
and we'll only stay alive
for Creation's sake;
we won't really have to live
or tie ourselves to anything too big,
but we'll stick together just because
that's the way it is.
So nice.

I'm sure we'll project ourselves
towards another paper planet
and spawn a new world using things found
in the bottom of my pockets.
I think the line break here should be before "found", "using" or even "things". Doing it like you have leaves one idea on the first line (make a world out of things you find) and then suddenly tries to add "in my pockets" on the second line. Also, should it not be "in our pockets", or are you making yourself more important than others?
Build a shoelace ladder
to the great paperweight in the sky
and up up up we'll climb
until we arrive.
Then we'll stare out at the giant
light emitting trees
and lie that we can no longer see
our loyal inkblot species.
Happy, disconnected euphemistic ending, really ties up what you have written well.


I generally dislike how unfocused this piece is, there is nothing to hold onto, and you really have to delve in to get anything other than pretty language from it. And when you do, The overall message is quite simple, making my hard efforts interpreting it feel wasted. The subtext is great, but there is nothing in front of it but a wall of words.

Or maybe I've got it wrong. However, I am not a fan of public interpretations on here, they are more of a personal thing, and proclaiming it in my post will ruin anybody else's opinions.

I could bathe in your language like a poor man in liquid gold.



I bet you can guess where I started critting, then stopped, than started again.

song
recording?

Will be back, not done yet.
Last edited by ginjaninja at Jan 8, 2009,
#23
I love the new last stanza. This piece is really great now Katherine. Hurry up and record it
#24
Quote by bigbirdfan
i could actually feel myself flying with the origami sky larks

great job man


I want to stab you in the throat with a ball point pen.

Anyway, you're a great writer, this wasn't so interesting as it was a peak in your ability to write. I could see this being written in ten to fifteen minutes. Perhaps if you're interested I could give you some tips on branching out your style.

But yeah, you're great, and I enjoy what you do to a certain extent, if you were to expand your abilities into something more concise and still very broad, in that you're doing something really excellent but you're able to use that to do so many things, you'd be excellent.

Have a look at mine:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1040596
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#25
I think your writing is very built upon what music you listen to. I know that 'cause I'm a profile pedo. And although it is really very good, they are always... I don't know... really centered on one style, one kind of structure, one way of writing.

Although, I am drawing that up only from pieces I've seen posted here. Recently.

Actually, forget about all of that.

Just try writing some "experiments", come out of your usual style, the shell which protects you, out of your comfort zone, whatever you want to call it. Just do loads a them, pieces with story backbones, lots of pretty metaphors, one leading up to a one liner (that's something, I don't think I've ever seen you do a funny/cynical-funny/one liner piece) Pick an author here and try to copy his/her style (Zach, or Dan?).


Okay, this was really just a bump so this thread would still be on the first page when I have time to finish my crit. PM SV, he'll help.

EDITO: Finito. I really like this, but when you delve deeper there isn't really much solid stuff there.
Last edited by ginjaninja at Jan 8, 2009,
#26
Thank you.

SV, I would really be interested in and very grateful for some tips. As you can probably tell from my comments in the first post, I know I'm needing them and want to expand my techniques/style. I'll reply as soon as I can In a couple of weeks, or this weekend if I'm being silly, I'll have a proper go at recording this and post the link.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#27
This is good.

Certain sections irked me, though:

- "and how it rained for days at once
but we could never even hear it.
"

- "always knows what to send to who
and who they're from
"

- "One day we'll wake and find we're floating in space
and we'll only stay alive
for Creation's sake;
we won't really have to live
or tie ourselves to anything too big,
but we'll stick together just because
that's the way it is.
"
- On the other hand, this was damn fine. It perfectly encapsulated the feel of the song/poem.

I'm not overly keen on the repetition of "paper" in the final verse, although it was most likely difficult to avoid.

This seems quite straight forward once you read it over a few times, which is contrary to your normal style. Maybe that's a quirk, maybe it's something I shouldn't like? It's a nice change from you, but at the same time, I think you've taken a simple topic, made it read well and then finished it at that. The ideas felt hindered and the images felt controlled.
I feel like there is something more important I should be saying concerning this, but the deep matter is not really coming to me so I'm just going to say, "I'll come back and see how I feel"
#28
I live in a cardboard house
in a street paved with shredded documents.
The house numbers are stuck on stamps
and the brown paper packaging postman
always knows what to send to who
and who they're from


Upon beginning to read this, I can't tell if it's just a cool fictional story or a political metaphor (or something entirely different from either), which is frustrating because I hate not being able to understand songs, but intrigues me all the same. As far as the actual writing goes, it's quite good overall, but I would change the repitition of "house" in the third line so the line may look something like "Addresses are stuck on stamps," in order to avoid repeating anything. Just me, though. The only other thing about this stanza is the wording of the last line. I'd find a way to eliminate the repition of "who," or to find a way to strengthen the second part of the line to the point where people won't care anymore that you repeated yourself. I have to say, though, I love the tone of this and the sort of stepped-back manner in which you writer.

I miss how the sunlight
used to shine off the snow in winter
and how it rained for days at once
but we could never even hear it.
I'm sure the saint of sunshine
is gonna burn us up some day,
and as she saves our souls we'll be
begging for the rain.


It could be said that this is a bit cliche, but it's so very well done, and especially if this is an actual song you plan on singing, this could be a powerful stanza. If this were a song, this would be the best chorus.

I spend my evenings flying with origami sky larks
and we pirouette into the dark,
shaking blue light off our blanket wings.
I love the way they sing while we're leaving our marks
in the pillows which smoulder beneath us.
Our world is slowly burning up.


I wish the "origami" aspect would be better explained, but the rest of the symbols in this are really great. The next two lines are memorable and help lead to the next three, which are quite good. I like the reference to the last stanza with the usage of "smoulder" and "burning up". It juxtaposes the Then and the Now, which adds to the nostalgia of this piece, and makes it a special poem/song for people to read, because who couldn't relate to that? At the same time, though, the reader feels oblivious to the real meaning of the song, which makes it clear that there are only a certain few who will ever know what this piece means to you. Definitely sets this apart from other work.

One day we'll wake and find we're floating in space
and we'll only stay alive
for Creation's sake;
we won't really have to live
or tie ourselves to anything too big,
but we'll stick together just because
that's the way it is.


L1 is good; once again, I dig the progression of the story reinforced by the continuation of symbols from previous stanzas. The rest of this I'm kind of iffy about, mostly because I'm not sure if I like the rhyming or not. I do like the concept, though, so I'm kinda half & half on it.


I'm sure we'll project ourselves
towards another paper planet
and spawn a new world using things found
in the bottom of my pockets.
Build a shoelace ladder
to the great paperweight in the sky
and up up up we'll climb
until we arrive.
Then we'll stare out at the giant
light emitting trees
and lie that we can no longer see
our loyal inkblot species.


The flow of this is very rough, so I think just a bit more doctoring is in order, but this stanza is definitely my favorite part of the piece. Before you gave the Then, lead up to the Now, and this is the Some Day. Great format, whether it was intentional or not, and the word choice is solid here. Paper planet. Bottom of my pockets. Shoelace ladder. They were all stunning to read.

Overall I'd definitely give this an 8.5/10. Very good. Even though you hadn't stopped by my piece again to give a full crit, I thought I'd pay a visit to yours anyway. Do keep me updated on your work, I liked this a lot.
#29
"what to send to who" - Just a quick note: you use "whom" whenever you would say "him" or "her;" use "who" when you would otherwise say "he" or "she." Since almost nobody understands the rule, the proper use of it is dying out, but if you care to use it properly, that's how.

Also, at one point, you say "in to," rather than "into," and that's a distraction. Otherwise, I have no idea why you'd hate how you write; this is effin' beautiful.

You call it a "song" towards the end of your post. Did it ever get music? I'd be intrigued to hear how such a thing would be performed...

peace