#1
I don't remember meeting you
but there were leaves there
for sure
and flowers in the air
right?
and it was at sunset
I think

I rembember meeting you
(drip drop, tick tock)
I rembember because I scratched a clock in the wall of that alley with the hour hand at [our hands]
and no minute hand
[how close am I to losing you]
I remember because I found it
in the middle of the night
in the cold eht ni
broken bottle underneath
it is
right
h e r e
                                                                          where
dead beat streets meet weed stained concrete 
beneath rusty fire escapes and dusty window panes 
over historyless subways and empty gutter lanes 
and empty sewer caves and empty heart aches 
it must have been 
                                                                           nowhere 
                                                                           [meets [I]the captain[/I] of ____]

and [these days] in the day kids play stick ball here
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#2
Loved the tone. "in the cold eht ni" - missed the purpose of that since cold means nothing backwards and there is nothing in the writing to suggest a relapse. The other gimmicks worked fine for the flow.

Enjoyed it quite a bit, will be reading at least a few more times.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#3
I liked the piece. I felt some parts were added to make it look "pretty", but unlike other pieces formatted like this, it provokes imagery.

You successfully personalize the piece, even at times with an abstract structure.
Which is why this type of poetry is a bit like "Picasso".

It solicits, to me, that you have accomplished what you set out to write. You should be proud of that.

What is the function of this part of the piece: " [meets the captain of ____]"?

c4c?
No data.
#4
jake: yeah the in the cold thing was really just me trying to emphasize the word cold. That's all. You're right about it being unnecessary. I'll think about changing that.

Thanks man

and jstar, thanks a lot too. I'm glad you like it.

meets the captain of is supposed to line up with the other lines that are over to the right side so it reads "where nowhere meets the captain of ______" This line came from a personal thing with a friend, referencing the cliff "el capitan" in yosemite national park. That's just the personal meaning though. It's also supposed to say something along the lines of where nowhere meets the captain of nothing/anything (purpose of the underscores). I could ramble further about what it means but that's the start of it

glad you guys enjoyed it. Thanks for reading.

and as for c4c,
I'll keep an eye out for something of yours, jake
and jstar, anything you'd like me to look at in particular? I can pm you a few comments on one of yours if you want or were you planning on posting something newer?
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#5
Well, I'm afraid I have not posted a piece for about three months. You can either comment on one of the two I have in my sig, or I can PM you something a bit more recent?
No data.
#6
Very good. The tone and word choice match the content nicely and create a tangled, confusing atmosphere, and the broken, arbitrary structure and way it seems to stumble over itself (especially near the end) helps to accentuate that. It aches and reminisces, but in a respectable (i.e., not overly sad or melodramatic) way. That's difficult to do, so kudos.
#7
I really like this, my arch-gangsta.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#8
I'm not sure I like the whole "I think, right?" business at the beginning. I also think the last line is kind of a buzzkill, but maybe I'm missing the point. And finally, I'm with Jake on the "in the cold eht ni" bit.

dead beat streets meet weed stained concrete
Likey likey.

As a whole, I thoroughly enjoyed the tone and the approach. It was well written.
#9
Quote by culex-knight
I really like this, my arch-gangsta.


Dont be frontin in MY thread


thanks guys. Appreciate the feedback. I'll toy around with this, I think.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me