#1
I walked home from work
past the diner I applied at
three weeks ago, with
the Aussie named Claire
serving tables.
I remember her fake enthusiasm
and how warm it made me.
I guess it couldn't hurt to stop in
for a cup of coffee,
see if she's working.

I came home to a
yellow slip taped to my door.
I was being evicted.

And somewhere out in the country
my mom is fucking my step dad
while my father is making money in New York.
And my ex in Baltimore
left me a message to say
that she didn't have her son,
and how great a father I would have been.

Alice let me sleep at her place
while I looked for an apartment.
We smoked mexican hash and
talked about our childhood dreams.
She said she always wanted to be a ballerina
and marry a doctor named Ken so she
could dance dance dance the night away.
I didn't know what I wanted,
but I joked and said "world peace".
We laughed, and I started to realize
there's nothing out here.

I don't know...
PM me if I don't return your crit within two days.
Last edited by Ninjamonkey767 at Jan 5, 2009,
#2
mmm WOW lol I love This I Cant Relate To It But I Can Just Imagine It Perfectly Everything Discribed Amazingly i Have To Say Amazing Work
we're all fake until we choose to die
poisoned by love and twisted lie's
#3
It meant something to me,
by that I mean it seemed real to me.
I really enjoyed it.
It seemed like a melancholy honesty that I find enthralling.

keep up the excellent work,
I'd love to read more of your work.

Flam·boy·ant
French, from participle of flamboyer to flame
1:Characterized by waving curves suggesting flames
2:Marked by or given to strikingly elaborate or colorful display or behavior

#4


Only thing is that I think saying 'I had to be out by the end of the month' was a little too much, some form of 'end of the month.' would work, I think.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#6
'I came home to a
yellow slip on my door.
Evicted.'
Maybe.

I think you're still using too many words there.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#7
Yeah, I have to agree with Katherine. That stanza is the only part of this piece i didn't enjoy. Nice to see a really good piece from you For once I won't rip the **** out of it. CAn you hit up "Part V" in my sig if you haven't already? (I lose track of who has and hasn't)
#8
I'll try, Kyle.

And as far as that stanza, I'm thinking of how to remedy that. The original plan was for that to be combined with the next stanza, but it just didn't flow. I'll get crackin' on ideas, though.
#9
Wow. Full of well, not quite atmosphere, but muted emotion (i guess). I especially like how you ended it. Just a few words and phrases I didn't like, "mexican hash", "Aussie" (that seemed like a reference to Lost the tv show anyways). I also agree with the people above me that the second stanza didn't do too much other than progress the story.
#10
I like it.

Although I feel that some of the line breaks weren't best placed.

I'm sorry, I'll try to be back on this, but I've got limited internet access at the moment.
#11
Ben, i could get very picky about minutia, but i won't.
this piece lives in a comfortable niche between diary entry and short story.
mostly it works as-is.

but delete that from the beginning of the last line, if you want to add drama.
it will allow the line to stand boldly on its own, yet still be connected to what comes before.

... and i love the VanHalen line.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#13
I love the van halen reference, and the entire piece. The last stanza especially. great work.
Quote by Zero-Hartman
The Bible is awesome. Revelation is so badass, I mean, dragons and angels and the devil having an epic battle in the clouds? Badass.
#14
few things to pick at here...

Quote by Ninjamonkey767
I walked home from work
past the diner I applied at
three weeks ago, with
the Aussie named Claire
something about this last line doesn't flow right with me. Maybe 'claire, the aussie serving tables.' or 'the australian girl, claire, serving tables.' I dunno. The current wording doesn't settle to well.

serving tables.
I remember her fake enthusiasm
and how warm it made me.
I guess it couldn't hurt to stop in
for a cup of coffee,
see if she's working today.
I'd consider dropping the word today... doesn't seem necessary and I like the way it sounds without it out loud

I came home to a
yellow slip taped to my door.
I was being evicted.
Maybe just saying something like
'i came home to a
yellow eviction slip taped on my door'
or
'i came home to a
yellow notification of my eviction
taped on my door'

it's a little clumsy sounding right now, I think


And somewhere out in the country
my mom is fucking my step dad
while my father is making money in New York.
And my ex in Baltimore
left me a message to say
that she didn't have her son,
and how great a father I would have been.
wow

Alice let me sleep at her place
while I looked for an apartment.
We smoked mexican hash and
talked about our childhood dreams.
She said she always wanted to be a ballerina
and marry a doctor named Ken so she
the name ken is kind of... i dunno... barbie. It bothers me. Probably just me personally.
could dance dance dance the night away.
I didn't know what I wanted,
but I joked and said "world peace".
We laughed, and I started to realize
there's nothing out here.
wow. I kind of want to suggest saying the last line should be added to/modified a touch but then I just think naw it's interesting and unsettling this way


this was really good on many levels. Great stuff, man. Best I've seen from you

if you feel like dropping a quick comment on https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1038831 for me, it'd be nice but not necessary.

cheers
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#15
Quote by Ninjamonkey767
I walked home from work
past the diner I applied at
three weeks ago, with
the Aussie named Claire
serving tables.
I remember her fake enthusiasm
and how warm it made me.
I guess it couldn't hurt to stop in
for a cup of coffee,
see if she's working today.

i thought this was all pretty okay. i didnt really like 'fake enthusiasm'. it seemed a little bland and undescriptive to me. thats about my only complaint.

I came home to a
yellow slip taped to my door.
I was being evicted.

okay, we'll see.

And somewhere out in the country
my mom is fucking my step dad
while my father is making money in New York.
And my ex in Baltimore
left me a message to say
that she didn't have her son,
and how great a father I would have been.

hmm, im torn on this. i do like it, it just seems to skip along without any closure on the prior lines, if that makes sense. i just didnt really connect with it. i do like the last 4 lines tho.

Alice let me sleep at her place
while I looked for an apartment.
We smoked mexican hash and
talked about our childhood dreams.
She said she always wanted to be a ballerina
and marry a doctor named Ken so she
could dance dance dance the night away.
I didn't know what I wanted,
but I joked and said "world peace".
We laughed, and I started to realize
there's nothing out here.

who is alice? i dont remember her from earlier in this piece unless this is a new character. i really enjoyed the last four lines, it really wrapped it up nicely. why would marrying a doctor name ken allow her to dance the night away? i think the dance dance the night away part would be better if it was right after you say she wanted to be a ballerina because the would enable her to dance the night away, idk how marrying a doctor would further allow her to do that. i really liked this ending tho.

I don't know...
PM me if I don't return your crit within two days.


pretty good read, maybe a few things here and there but nothing major at all. nice work.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1036697
heres mine if you can say just a word or two
#16
Rushmore: The "dance dance dance the night away" meant her living off of a rich doctor, and not having to worry about money. Her becoming a ballerina is simply a method of making herself look pretty for everyone else to see. And "Ken" was supposed to be a barbie reference. So she ends up having financial security, a man she loves, and be pretty.

Thanks fo' the crits, guys. I'll return either tonight or tomorrow.
#18
Fuck this was good.

Main complaints are the first stanza seemed a bit unnecessary. It doesn't really further the whole idea that really encompasses the charm of this piece (last stanza). Also... I hated the "being evicted" line; it stuck out so strongly as being too "blunt" for the rest of the pieces soft tone. The rest of the piece; its like a conversation... and that is like you yelling in the middle of it randomly.
#20
Here's the problem; when you end a line on something that make the sentence sound complete, such as "I guess it couldn't hurt to stop in" but then continue to add something on the next line, it sounds horrible. I really enjoyed this story but I just couldn't get past some of the line breaks.

I know this is a common problem when writing prose in poetry form, and most of it flows fine in that sense. Just a few to look at and reevaluate.

I wouldn't bother telling you this if I didn't like your writing. Let me reiterate that the story kicked ass.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.