#1
i love having time to write and feel heartbreak.


oedipus.

i lost god
at the corner of Haussmann and Olmsted,
at the corner of the Louvre and Central Park
i lost you;
the city never sleeps
but Times Square
is closed tonight

while in the Bronx
homeless howl at the moon
towards the promise of midnight;
a dawn will come

thick as a cocoon
fog on the taxi window
snow outside; and the beasts
emerge as beasts

great men
bathe in mud
breathe solitude
and rewrite the world
out of the clay that falls to earth

what is rebirth but a desire for your lips again
and a search for the prophet at Thebes
Last edited by #1 synth at Jan 5, 2009,
#2
Half cool rhymes, jiggy flow and lines that left me loving you (rebirth/lips).

The other half still stubborn.
#3
Oh, that was very good. Very very good. ONly one nitpicking thing: perhaps Bronx should have a capital, seeing as everything else does. But that's very nitpicky. Loved it.
#4
I liked it bunches, really conveyed emotion, but there are a few things:
The last line of stanza two seemed like almost a contradiction of the rest of the stanza, which weakened the whole verse. Also, I don't know who Oedipus is... this made me feel like I was missing something. Now, presuming that this is a song, and presuming that most people are as stupid as me and don't know their classics, I'm going to say that referencing this Oedipus is a mistake.
Of course, I might be presuming a bit too much. Anyways, I really liked how it seemed to flow from depression to a stubborn sort of revival.
#7
first, the bad:

oedipus.

i lost god
i don't mind the lack of capital for i but for God, it bugs me.
just the way i am, i guess. sue me.

at the corner of Haussmann and Olmsted,
the names don't ring out to me.
Olmsted sounds like something in Ohio and Haussmann doesn't sound familiar at all.
neither evokes any image or has a sound that stirs me. *shrugs*

at the corner of the Louvre and Central Park
this makes more sense, because it doesn't.
it feels glorious.

i lost you;
the city never sleeps
but Times Square
is closed tonight

while in the Bronx
homeless howl at the moon
i'd love to see homeless relocated up to the first line
and a comma after Bronx.
something about the alliteration of the h's feels too strong.

towards the promise of midnight;
toward without the s feels regionally more appropriate to me.
a dawn will come

thick as a cocoon
fog on the taxi window
snow outside; and the beasts
emerge as beasts

great men
bathe in mud
breathe solitude
and rewrite the world
out of the clay that falls to earth
maybe from to replace out of the. idk.

what is rebirth but a desire for your lips again
and a search for the prophet at Thebes


now, the good:

everything i said was fucking minutia.
just personal preferences.
the piece has both breath and breadth.
eloquence and elegance.
it has a voice.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#8
'and rewrite the world
out of the clay that falls to earth'

Remould, perhaps? Or write in the clay.

I think that maybe the 'and' in the third stanza would fit better at the beginning of the sentence 'and the snow' than where it is. The semi colon slipped me a bit and the jumble was a bit confusing, but I think that change would stop that.

This didn't really get to me, but the images were clear and beautiful and I most certainly enjoyed reading it
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#9
Pretty and fun to read... but didn't really strike me at the heart. It's lacking something... dare I say personality. It reads formulated and like a preconceived notion of "poetry." Expansive images and pretty on the outside... but I couldn't really find Dylan in this... and I think it makes it hard for me to tap into.