#1
In just one second
Exploding
Splashing out
like
a thousand golden drops
faster than light
and
much more splendid
luminous.
Expanding,
Exploring,
eating miles
bleeding air
breathing light
so great that it hurts
bending me over
breaking my bones
taking my heart
ripping it
into a thousand pieces
and throwing it up into the air
like a fountain
now it's raining back down
back into my chest
warming me from the inside
making me
glow.

But
you didn't see it,
did you?

you don't
know.
#2
Splashing out
like
a thousand golden drops

Didn't like the separation of "like".

much more splendid

I found weird. The "much more" and then the slightly uncommon "splendid". Weird.

breathing light

Didn't like the repetition of "light" (L6)

so great that it hurts

Drop "that" from this line.

now it's raining back down
back into my chest

Didn't enjoy the repetition of "back".



I didn't see much point in the random under-indulgence of capitalization.


There is a lot here that I'll call "filler", and "ripping my heart into a thousand pieces" is a horrible cliche.

I would like to see more same-ness of language all the way through, you kind of deviated on the edge of certain types (golden, splendid, luminous, fountain, glow, then exploding, eating, bleeding, ripping)

I will be back on this to explain myself, I have limited time on the internet at the moment.
#4
thanks alot! --ginjaninja, you're a really good crit. if you want me to crit back just leave a link please... I know it wasn't all that good yet, haven't thought about it at all yet, just wrote what came to my mind and haven't changed a word up to now... and the "random under-indulgence of capitalization" was not intended- just a result of a very spontaneous post