#1
unsure if this is in the series or a standalone piece.
___________

half a dozen brown boxes
lined up on the beach
we bench on them we drink on 'em
we talk enough for me to see
that you spent enough nights out in the wild
to ask for more clouds in the sky
for us to see all that this sunset
could ever ever be

half a dozen ways to be
lined up on the beach
with or without, in love or not,
mad or happy
we speak in sea breeze mysteries
I tell you tales of places where
they measure time in tides and care
only for sailing trips out in the sea

half a dozen brown boxes
lined up on the beach
filled with words images and souvenirs
on which we down drink after drink
on the edge on land and sea
where stories become history
where you mean even more to me

A ship sailing in it's bottle,
whiskey,
halts for our sandy
memorium colony
it has paper sails and the crew
speaks only in poetry
they say they were looking for you
to write an end to their story
they hand you sails, feather and ink
and stand in silence, waiting to see
if you'll catch a taxi to his place or
finally leave him to spend
all that's left of your life with me
#2
This is going to get some praise, my friend.

I like this a lot. The theme stays consistent and accurate, without trailing off into space or onto other continents, to mountains. What we have here is the sea and the sky, she and he. I love this.

I have to comment about the very end of it right now: that last stanza gave me chills, catharsis, that tingling in the nose, a bit of a teary eye because of how smooth it is, what it says, and how it's said. The words are perfect in their own right, and very, very little could be improved (depending on your part of the world, I think 'cab' could easily replace 'taxi' appropriately).

The build-up in this whole poem is beautiful, not divulging too much information before it's necessary, but releasing what the reader needs to know when they need to know it, making sure they know that what you are saying is very fucking important to you and the rest of your life, regardless of the topic.

Furthermore, I think this has a beautiful structure underneath it, and is perfectly arranged to make a very solid song, if it wanted to be.

I get a great feeling from this that does not come often, whether I've been reading poetry or not. Thank you.
#3
excellent, Honestly. One of the most perfect reads I can think of ever reading on here.


You really hit the target here (for me at least). this
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#4
Pacing is perfect. Images are lovely. My only complaint is I feel the "E" rhymes are overused in the last two stanzas. But even if you left it as is, it's very good.
#5
my only complaint is the same as ninjamonkey's, not really a complaint but i feel the rhyme at the end got kind of old/sour and brought down the piece a tiny bit. also the 2nd line of the last stanza, i didnt get how it was completely necessary and i thought it threw off the flow a tiny bit.
one of your best maybe? good work.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1036697
heres mine if you can say a word, or don't cause its kind of long and i didnt say much. whatever.
#6
Oh yes. This is what poetry is. I think this deserves a standing ovation.

P.S. Nice to see one in English
#7
Strong, Mat.


Half a dozen
and
A half-dozen
are equivalent.

But they create different rhythms.
A half-dozen
matches the rhythm of
A ship sailing

Maybe you'd enjoy having all the stanzas start with the same rhythm.

its (without the apostrophe) to show possession.

Whiskey
is abrubt and
halts
celebrates that wonderfully.
but what comes after gets a bit stumbly in terms of rhythm and sonics.
memorium colony
doesn't roll off the tongue smoothly.

that said, the boat still floats, even if you don't change a thing.
Meadows
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#8
Spike, Jimmy, Kyle, thank you very very much. your words mean a whole lot to me.

Ben and Menry ; I understand and agree but it's kind of how the piece built itself up. we'll see.

menry and syk ; yes, I know, flow is my main concern here. minor touch ups in the last stanza probably wouldn't hurt. Some of stanza 3 ain't as smooth as I'd like it to be, too.

<3
#10
we speak in sea breeze mysteries- beautiful line. In the next though I tell you tales of places where/they measure time in tides and care the rhyme seemed lazy and below you as a writer.

The content was wonderful. The half a dozen brown boxes then the we bench on them we drink on 'em had me off balance on first read as it made it sound like you were writing about a group of people, but that sorted itself out soon with the yous and Is. The only thing that really struck me as weak in this piece was the amount of tangible imagery. We get the sea, beach and sky again and agian, but very little else is solid until the last stanza. In some the lack of visuals made it come across as cliche, such as the end of S3.

It was a good piece but I believe it could be strengthened with more lines like the first mentioned.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
Last edited by Billyjson at Jan 7, 2009,
#11
Re-read. I think maybe this could do with just a bit of punctuation. Just some commas or something to help.
#12
zach, I am looking forward to it.

Billy, I know this is probably a little too straightforward for this place. the only part that I am pondering about changing is the last line of S3, but then again, it says exactly what I want it to say. I do understand what you mean though, I'm just unsure how to fix it without drawing the piece away from what I want it to be. Kyle, thanks, I will do a minor touch-up very soon including the few things people have said, including what you just did.
#13
I don't like the repetition of sea in the second stanza.

I enjoyed the rest.
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