#1
I'm pretty happy with this piece. Hopefully I can hammer out the guitar part this week.

You try extra hard just to make sense of it
Sitting by an open fire, but don't light it
Its better bitter cold, numbing and sedating
You think someone's calling your name, you're only fainting

Open your eyes with a horizon in sight
It's a little different down here, different tonight
Instead of picking up and moving on
I stay down here on the ground

But once the sun begins to break
I open my eyes as I lay awake
Waking up can be all that I need
It's a different feeling thats somewhat unique

A steady pace and a steady glance
My eyes tell a story to the world
Filled with happiness and despair
Filled with memories and some care

Realization of my surroundings feels overwhelming
Examining whats been done and whats been said
I could ponder about everything all night long
No use in laying in bed if you're never gonna go down

I wish I had a dream to tell
I wish I hadn't changed
I wish we didn't fake it
I wish, but its still the same
Last edited by JordanRRR at Jan 5, 2009,
#4
Quote by JordanRRR


You try extra hard just to make sense of it
Sitting by an open fire, but don't light it
Its better bitter cold, numbing and sedating
You think someone's calling your name, you're only fainting

Well I like this stanza but it feels a little chunky and not too smooth. I don't know, maybe it's just me. But it's decent.

Open your eyes with a horizon in sight
It's a little different down here, different tonight
Instead of picking up and moving on
I stay down here on the ground

Rhyming seems forced here.

But once the sun begins to break
I open my eyes as I lay awake
Waking up can be all that I need
It's a different feeling thats somewhat unique

First two lines are gold.

A steady pace and a steady glance
My eyes tell a story to the world
Filled with happiness and despair
Filled with memories and some care

This is good. My favorite stanza.

Realization of my surroundings feels overwhelming
Examining whats been done and whats been said
I could ponder about everything all night long
No use in laying in bed if you're never gonna go down

Feels chunky eh, but well written.

I wish I had a dream to tell
I wish I hadn't changed
I wish we didn't fake it
I wish, but its still the same

This is great too, keep this obviously.




Overall I think it could use a little work, but it's good. I like it.
Hey, if you're not busy, C4C? ->"Devoid"