#1
I will edit this. C4C

Edit: final lines of V2

POST #7

Your time is up.
Pack your possessions, Go!
We don’t need you in our lives anymore
You’ve done enough damage to your reputation,
You repeat the lies that you’ve told us again and again

Fists pound the air
Bricks grasped in our hands,
Aching to be thrown
Pictures of you
Trampled underfoot
As we press on


We’ll hang you up to dry
The saturated sins not leaving you
We’ll cut you down
We’ll bury you,
You always thought we liked that
Only time will tell
When we'll see the last of you,
We pray to God it's soon,
We pray that you're not built to last

Fists pound the air
Bricks grasped in our hands,
Aching to be thrown
Pictures of you
Trampled underfoot
As we press on


The sea below beckons you,
Shattered bottles line the rocks of your grave
We’ll die trying to force you over the edge
My current acoustic group:

Fiftieth Parallel

Martin Guitars
Elixer Strings
Acoustic amplification
BOSS pedals

Last edited by jon93971 at Jan 7, 2009,
#2
not exactly my style, but
I'm guessing metal? of some sort?
anyways, this really is full of emotion (hate specifically)

I have to say, I think the chorus was the best part here, some pretty good lines there
my least favorite part was the last two lines of the second verse... i think what put me off was the swear and the fact you used a number to describe the amount of electricity... just seemed a bit off, i guess
anyways, nice
#4
thanks
Hesh:
ye i'll agree with you about the last two lines of the second verse.
it's more Rise Against style.
As I said, I will edit this so thanks a lot for the feedback
I'll get around to looking at some of your pieces sometime soon
My current acoustic group:

Fiftieth Parallel

Martin Guitars
Elixer Strings
Acoustic amplification
BOSS pedals

#5
I liked the chorus.
Very nice.
Now that you mention it, I could see sort of a Rise Against style.
I feel a lot of hate in this song, but that's ok.
Also, I really like the use of the line with "saturated sins", I don't know why, but it stuck out to me.
Overall, pretty sweet.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=18023980#post18023980
#6
Quote by jon93971
I will edit this. C4C

Edit: final lines of V2


Your time is up.
Pack your possessions, Go!
The Go! here seemed far too jokey to work with the overall idea.
We don’t need you in our lives anymore
You’ve done enough damage to your reputation,
even by this, the fourth line, there's no established flow. I understand that as a song it's fine if it fits with the music, but if it could work sonically it would be much more effective
You repeat the lies that you’ve told us again and again
I don't think the 'you' here is at all necessary. 'Repeating' would work. Also don't think the 'that' is necessary. There is, however, a hint of some kind of writing technique in this line, so well done

Fists pound the air
Bricks grasped in our hands,
Aching to be thrown
Pictures of you
Trampled underfoot
As we press on

No need for italics for starters, we can tell it's a chorus from repetition.
All of the images here are cliche. If this is to have power, it needs to be from the heart, and the best way to show that is to show that you've put some original thought in to it.


We’ll hang you up to dry
The saturated sins not leaving you
We’ll cut you down
We’ll bury you,
This idea is jumbled. You'll hang them up to dry like a dead animal, saturated sins adding the the idea of eating, cut you down adding to it again, then you'll bury them? It feels like ideas thrown together, rather than a continuous, expanding one which would create movement and life.
You always thought we liked that
This plain doesn't make sense
Only time will tell
When we'll see the last of you,
I think this works, but with everything else before it, doesn't mean much
We pray to God it's soon,
We pray that you're not built to last
Not everything needs to rhyme, but it helps in songs

Fists pound the air
Bricks grasped in our hands,
Aching to be thrown
Pictures of you
Trampled underfoot
As we press on


The sea below beckons you,
nice, maybe another descriptive on the end here, personifying the sea even more
Shattered bottles line the rocks of your grave
One, I don't understand where the bottles idea has come from, two, I don't understand why it's just jumped from sea to grave, unless by grave you mean the sea, in which case setting this verse on the edge of a cliff or something would be more effective and tie in to the next line
We’ll die trying to force you over the edge


I know I've sounded harsh, it's not bad at all, but you've made a lot of commonly made mistakes (or at least I'd call them mistakes). Some personal link to this would be nice, because it's always addressed as 'we', and it's harder to connect with 'we'. Making one strong character and tying them to the overall 'we' would build a kind of storyline and make it more interesting. A good start, though.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#7
I hate the last two lines of the chorus, I put them in to show rhythm. they will be changed when inspiration strikes
DigUpHerBones: i will admit some of what you said seemed a little harsh but overall, very useful cheers

EDIT: changed last two lines of chorus

We'll Die Trying

Your time is up.
Pack your possessions, go
I don’t want you in my life anymore
The fire surrounds your house,
Fueled only by its hate for you
Feeding off the stories behind the scars we wear

Broken bottles grasped in my broken fingers,
Ready to show no remorse
No obligation to take you alive,
We are the ones,
We will survive


The sea below beckons you,
Calling with each crashing wave
Luring you over the edge,
Sending you to your grave
Dragging with you
Memories of a hateful past
We pray to God you won’t live on,
We pray that you're not built to last

Broken bottles grasped in my broken fingers,
Ready to show no remorse
No obligation to take you alive,
We are the ones,
We will survive


The sea below beckons you,
Calling with each crashing wave
A gentle push will see it through
Send you falling to your grave
I pray to God you won’t survive
I pray you’re not built to last
My current acoustic group:

Fiftieth Parallel

Martin Guitars
Elixer Strings
Acoustic amplification
BOSS pedals

Last edited by jon93971 at Jan 9, 2009,
#8
The lyrics in the first post, I wasn't really feeling it =| I didn't like it, personaly. It felt like it dragged on with nothing to say.
I scrolled down and saw your newer one, and that's alot better (: the second verse is truely amazing, and I like the chorus more in the second one. I don't really like the line "We pray that you're not built to last" I think it'd sound better if it rhymed with the previous line.. that's the only thing I dislike xD The rest of it is awesome.