#1
car tires scream down the road
i look back fearing the worst
your body slumped on the ground
driver speeding away
too shocked to scream
cant cry, this isn't real

sweet life escapes from your lungs.
all i can do is sit on this road side
feeling so numb.
one, two, three breaths and your gone
so much i wish i could have said
so much i could have done
but your not coming back
and there's nothing i can do

trying to wake up from this nightmare, but cant
wish i was sleeping but im not
i keep looking back wish to see you there
laughing, and telling me how i cant get rid of you that easy
except when i look back
i see death stealing you away from me

sweet life escapes from your lungs.
all i can do is sit on this road side
feeling so numb.
one, two, three breaths and your gone
so much i wish i could have said
so much i could have done
but your not coming back
and there's nothing i can do

death is calling
and your not fighting
fight for us, fight for me
your eyes flutter and than its over
your gone and im going home
i cant live without you, see you in a few.
Last edited by grayelbows at Jan 7, 2009,
#2
I'm going to guess this is some sort of song...

I'd love to hear the melody for this
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#6
Overall, I like the chorus and the last verse best.

A few things I'll point out that you could consider:

- You say 'scream' twice in the first verse. This could be you comparing the two screams, though, so if that's what you meant, good work.
- Same thing with 'wish' in the second verse.
-Third verse feels a little short to me. Although an abrupt ending makes sense considering the nature of it. So keep it if you want, but consider adding more detail or emotion.
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#7
i like it very dark seems like this friend got hit by a car and was left for dead.
very dark and very real.

Originality 3/5 Don't understand what they were doing
Flow 4/5 Good chrous, but some stuff just need some fine detail
Overal 3.5/5 Good job, hope you polish off the details and come back with it.
#8
Your biggest let down here is flow. You've sacrificed the rhyming scheme, which is great and works in your favour, but in the process you've sacrificed the flo, which works against you. The roughness of this makes it occasionall difficult to follow. HOwever, as a song, it may work. Thats the problem with lyrics.
#9
Quote by kdownes
Your biggest let down here is flow. You've sacrificed the rhyming scheme, which is great and works in your favour, but in the process you've sacrificed the flo, which works against you. The roughness of this makes it occasionall difficult to follow. HOwever, as a song, it may work. Thats the problem with lyrics.



that's not a problem... Your just probbaly used to poetry so much.
#10
I dig it.

I'd love to hear it with some music.

Maybe like, some early At The Drive-in style

very good imagery. Painted the pain quite well.

overall I dig it. If it works with music I can't see any problems with it.
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#11
I liked this its got a good flow too it, i can tell you put alot into it
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