#1
Short little number, should be easily explained. Crit for crit, a couple full crits would be nice.

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[Am] I can hear the angst in your [G] cry.
[Am] I can see all the hurt in your [G] eyes.
[Dm] Right now I know you don't think I can,
[Am] Let down your guard and let me [G] try.

[Am] Every time you tell me that you're [G] alright.
[Am] I know you're just lying the entire [G] time.
[Dm] How long do you go on pretending?
[Am] Giving the performance of your [G] life?

CHORUS:
[Cdim] So I've come, [G] to rescue you.
[D] Be the one,
That you can't [F] wait to fall into.
[Am] I won't let [G] you be alone,
[D] I can stay,
Here till you [F] want me to [C/G] go.

[Am] I can't promise that we'll always [G] agree.
[Am] I'm sure that we can't forever fight [G] nicely.
[Dm] But as you bear, you won't stand alone,
[Am] You can get your rest laying next to [G] me.

CHORUS x2
LISTEN:
A Myspace introduction to:

LEARN:
It's not always rainbows and butterflies,
It's compromise that moves us along. -- Maroon 5
#2
I really like this. One thing I don't like is: In the first verse, lines 1 and 4 rhyme with cry and try, then in the last verse again lines 1 and 4 rhyme with agree and me, but for some reason the second verse this doesn't happen. I know its not essential but I'd quite like repition.

Also, I think you've cheated yourself by ending with the chorus repeated twice, another verse, maybe you win the girl/man, or the opposite and give up the fight would complete it as its really good but feels unresolved.

Lastly, I wouldn't mind seeing what this sounds like with a bit of guitar but don't know what a [C/G] is, can you tab it out the chord for me.

Cheers, and good work!

P.s. I'm new to this crit'ing peoples work so take everything i've said with a pinch of salt!
Last edited by Vazzza at Jan 7, 2009,
#3
^http://www.jamplay.com/guitar-chords/c-major-g-guitar-chord.html


The problem with this piece is it has no zip or flare. It just sort of sits on the page. It has a good flow and whatnot; and as such will sound good whilst sung... but from a sheer lyrical standpoint... nothing here is that interesting. Nothing here is new... all of this has been sung together before. There's no character development... no development at all really... its just another "we'll make it, while I hold you song." If that's what you wanted... you've accomplished it. But I won't remember this tomorrow. Its not striking or original enough to really warrant my brain going "wow... that was cool/good." Your Chorus is the worst. "So I've come to rescue you" is so bland and over used that really... it doesn't even carry any weight in any song anymore. Its just so easy and overdone. The last two lines of it "pretending... performance" are two more that fall into the same category... they're so standard that it actually makes this come off a bit bad to me. Like reading a book that is almost a copy of another book that you like. You still like the book... but it rubs you the wrong way because you know its been done before. I remember reading some of your songs and they had some personality and some flare... this doesn't though. This is frankly... too safe and boring for me to really enjoy it and dig into it.

c4c on furniture in my sig if you could.

-zC