#1
Hey all, I wrote this song a few hours ago and was wondering what others would think of it. Please crit and give me feedback on things you liked/hated/think I should change/etc. Thank you

Verses:
Hearing all these words
Crawling up my nerves
Driving me insane
Rattling my brain

I leave it all to you
Tell me where to go
Tell me where I'll be
Tell me when you'll leave

The jar of bricks is gone
You planned it all along
Abandon broken glass
Saw your light flash passed

I put in all my trust
But this is not enough
Wrecking everything
Just to spread your wings


Chorus:

If you fly away
You'll break the dawn of day,
Keeping the moon at bay

And if you fly away
You'll take the greatest part of me,
Part of me with you
So why don't you stay
#2
Hey man, I like your writing style, I feel perhaps you can carry on in more detail for your subjects. I won't complain though, subliminal lyrics are always a thing I enjoyed. Thanks for sharing.
hide your kids, hide your wife.

Quote by angus_young_32
I'd rather kill myself than commit suicide.


UG Hatecrew FTW
#3
Quote by spidersonic


Verses:

I leave it all to you
Tell me where to go
Tell me where I'll be
Tell me when you'll leave

Chorus:

And if you fly away
You'll take the greatest part of me, <---- Seems a bit cliche to me
Part of me with you
So why don't you stay


I really like it, especially the first stanza! The stanza with the repition of Tell me where... at first I didn't really like, but its quickly becoming a favourite! Good piece!
#4
Bloody comfort- Thanks for the input, but usually I prefer my writings to be more subliminal. That way, I get my message across, and yet it can still be interpreted differently according tot my audience. Thanks for the compliment though

Vazzza- Thank you as well! Yeah that Tell me stanza seemed weird to me at first but I feel it emphasizes the dependence implied, and it grew on me as well.

Anyone else care to comment?