#1
I wrote this song a few days ago. I still think some lines should be changed, but to me
everything is fine. Crit please!

A bus seat away


There's a wall between us
The only love I feel, are the echoes from our past times
And now, you're telling me, honestly
"I feel like giving up!"

They're separating us
Getting in between
Cause they don't trust
Or believe in what they've seen

Listen to me closely
As you might just miss a few
My voice is a pen
Writing down what you need to do

Underneath my words you'll find sorrow
And heart ready to burst
Overloading with emotions
Can only hope for the worst

I'm trying to send you a message
Not through words, but by heart
I just don't understand why
you haven't gotten it from the start

Chorus:

These words,
Were written down for me to remember
They're nothing new,
But a memory that never fades through
Almost out of breath,
Exhausted by the thought fact that we're apart
But I'm still here,
Just a bus seat away...


EDIT: I changed a few lines from the original lyrics to make
the whole song sound better and make it a bit more sense in it.
Last edited by Rain83 at Jan 8, 2009,
#2
two minor problems


Underneath my words you'll find sorrow
And heart ready to burst
In between the lines
A story never told!


The last two lines here could make more sense

and the 4th line in the chorus, feels like you sacrificing logic for a rhyme
fades through what, you could change that all together and wouldn't lose anything

good job, and nothing i say should force you to change anything
#3
Quote by hippotato7
two minor problems


Underneath my words you'll find sorrow
And heart ready to burst
In between the lines
A story never told!


The last two lines here could make more sense

and the 4th line in the chorus, feels like you sacrificing logic for a rhyme
fades through what, you could change that all together and wouldn't lose anything

good job, and nothing i say should force you to change anything


Yup. In my original copy of this I decided to take your advice.
I change a few lines and made the last line in the chorus make sense with the rest of the songs. Thanks dude. I'll edit my first post by the way.
#5
Don't like the ! on the fourth line, gives a far too happy tone to it.

You mention writing/words so much that the verses almost become circular, with no clear direction of meaning. It seems like you had that idea, then wrote four damn stanzas of it, neither following the previous or leading onto the next.


Also, darkrikku, 8/10, where the fuck did you pull that from?!?
#6
This is, overall, a nice piece.
Just a couple things I picked out in the second and third stanzas:

They're separating us
Getting in between
Cause they don't trust
Or believe in what they've seen

I think this stanza would work better if you didn't abbreviate any of the words in the third line: "Because they do not trust", or maybe "cannot trust" - Just seems to me the line would run better that way

Listen to me closely
As you might just miss a few
My voice is a pen
Writing down what you need to do

I don't think the last two lines here really work - The metaphor of your voice being a pen doesn't really work for me and it seems it's really just there for the sake of the rhyme in the next line

Crit mine?:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1040979
#7
Some lines should be changed. I think a balance between logic and rhyme will be good, but its okay for some songs not to make sense.

"Time to re-ignite my dying flame of romance"

Sorry Got Bored.....
#8
ginjaninja: ok, thanks for your post

darkrikku: Thank you very much

stjimmee: It did feel like those lines were a bit to short. I might change them soon.

MrQuiggle111: Wait what? logic and rhyme? Did you even read it?