#1
a song about WAR

Blood Revolution
<verse one>
the first shot fired
the first man dead
everything is going mad
cause there's a bullet in his head
but as invaders cross to distant shore
they know these screams are the anthems of war
so as helpless soldiers trek through the mud
they don't know they'll be drowning in an ocean of blood

<Chorus (spoken)>
one leader who has lost control
hatred has corrupted his soul
thinks he's protecting his constitution
naive enough to think he can cause a revolution
until there’s a barrel pressed into his eye
crying thinking he will die
pull the trigger he breathes no more
lifeless and pale he hits the floor

<verse 2>
so many civilians forced to die
as bombs and lead rain from the sky
but as men fight long hard
they're just preparing they're own graveyard
thinking they're fighting for glory
they're just creating a new memorial
for those fighting for a broken dream

<chorus>

<verse 3>
genocide beyond compare
if only you weren't there
when the world went to hell
this mad sensation
gained by ending creation
a deranged will
he needs to kill
no matter what is said
blood must be shed
it's almost sad
war makes us mad

<chorus>

<verse 4>
and when it's over when the war is done
a tear will be shed everyone
there is no better tomorrow
because now the world is a cesspool of sorrow
these futile dreams are gone he's lost his crown
it's all forgotten it's all gone down
the man in charge a mystery
lost in the pages of history

<chorus>

C4C??
Quote by dead-fish
^My god.


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#2
Quote by Demoniac_UK
a song about WAR

Blood Revolution
<verse one>
the first shot fired
the first man dead
very good opening lines
everything is going mad
cause there's a bullet in his head
a more sophisticated word to 'mad' would be much better here.
The second line here is very weak IMO. the rhymes are kinda forced, and it just seems like a typical line in a song about war

but as invaders cross to distant shore
they know these screams are the anthems of war
again, very good lines here. i really like the 'anthems of war' part
so as helpless soldiers trek through the mud
they don't know they'll be drowning in an ocean of blood
when you say 'helpless soldiers', who are you referring to?? the invaders, of the defending soldiers? I dont think helpless is really the right word if you are referring to the invaders

<Chorus (spoken)>
one leader who has lost control
surely if he is invading a country, then he would have control??
hatred has corrupted his soul
nice, but a little cliche
thinks he's protecting his constitution
naive enough to think he can cause a revolution
good
until there’s a barrel pressed into his eye
crying thinking he will die
pull the trigger he breathes no more
lifeless and pale he hits the floor
excellent

<verse 2>
so many civilians forced to die
as bombs and lead rain from the sky
but as men fight long hard
they're just preparing their own graveyard
lost a little flow here
thinking they're fighting for glory
they're just creating a new memorial
this line is a little too wordy for my liking
for those fighting for a broken dream
good ideas for this verse, but i would reword them in places

<chorus>

<verse 3>
genocide beyond compare
if only you weren't there
good first line, weak second. it doesnt add much to the piece at all.
when the world went to hell
this mad sensation
gained by ending creation
im not too fond of these lines. i wouldn't take them out though
a deranged will
he needs to kill
no matter what is said
blood must be shed
it's almost sad
war makes us mad
forced rhymes here. not every line/every other line needs to rhyme
If i'm honest, i didn't really like this stanza very much. a solid idea, i just didn't like the way you put it across


<chorus>

<verse 4>
and when it's over, when the war is done
a tear will be shed by everyone
alright
there is no better tomorrow
because now the world is a cesspool of sorrow
horrible flow here, sorry
these futile dreams are gone he's lost his crown
it's all forgotten it's all gone down
the crown idea is quite cliche. the second part of the second line shoudl be scrapped. the rhymes seemed horribly forced.
the man in charge a mystery
lost in the pages of history
good ending.

<chorus>

C4C??

there were some very nice parts to this the main thing i would look to improve on, is making this piece mroe personal. talk about YOU, put yourself in the shoes of the soldiers and describe what happens to YOU.
comments on either 'Learn To Fight' or 'We'll Die Trying' would be appreciated
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