#1
I just finished my first ever (completed) song. I've tried many other times, but I've always been stumped after the 1st verse. Well i'm back at it and really wanting to improve. These are the lyrics to it. I actually was writing another song and got stumped, and thought of this topic and i immediately thought of the first few lines. Yes, it's a song about not being able to write a song, ik. It's, like i said, my firsto ne, so it will be a little rough, (or a lot). The title is tentative, i just wanted to throw one out there. and it's also pretty short, i purposely didd that because it's my first one. also, i'm sorry if it sounds like i was tryin to imitate shakespeare in some parts ( i wasn't trying to, we're reading romeo+juliet in english). here it goes...


THE SONG SONG (yes, ik. is kinda stinks. lol)


Verse 1
The words, they just won't flow.
My pen just doesn't know
What to say when it's put down on the page.

Chorus
My mind has turned numb
as i try to take words from
my heart and make them come alive.

verse 2
exhausted, tired, and wanting
wanting to think of something,
anything to put down on the page.

chorus
My mind is still numb
I've tried to take words from
my heart and make them come alive.

Bridge/outro
now the numb has left
leaving me with but my best
________________________(i couldn't think of a good clincher to end it)

ANY critisizm/comments will be GREATLY appreciated. I'm trying to get better, thanks!
Quote by Pinto111
Well thank you for your contributions to this discussion. I'm glad you kept it intelligent


,___,
[O.o] - O rly?
/)__)
-"--"-

,___,
[¬.¬] - ya rly.
/)__)
-"--"-
#2
Kudos for even writing a song, I dont think I could do it at this point :P It would be cool if it were longer, but that's what happens when you start off I suppose. Cool idea for topic as well

Also, nice sig
Some Like It Hot...

Gibson Angus Young Signature SG
Gibson Les Paul Classic Antique
Gibson Faded 3 Pickup Flying V
Some Line 6 Amp...

...Some Like It Not Quite So Hot!
#3
it rly hard. and im not really a creative person either. i wish it was longer, too. and thanks for the sig comment.
Quote by Pinto111
Well thank you for your contributions to this discussion. I'm glad you kept it intelligent


,___,
[O.o] - O rly?
/)__)
-"--"-

,___,
[¬.¬] - ya rly.
/)__)
-"--"-
#4
I don't like the repetition in verse two of wanting.. as well the third line of verse one and two are really similar.. change that up abit : P It's okay for a first song.. really short though : P sometimes to make it effective you've gotta make it longer : P at least the verses. chorus's length is allright.

Just keep practising and your songs will gradually get better. Think of a topic that's easy for you to write about. For me it's usually my feelings toward someone, particularly boys. And just expand on it. Don't think too much of making it amazing.. just kinda write it. So just don't give up, keep on writing and yeah (:
#5
thanks creepermuffin. i'm trying to polish it up and those repetitive things are 1st on my to-do-list. i rly like to write about feelings toward someone, too (my gf) but i always end up getting stuck. i'm in the process of writing one now. i'm stuck on the 1st verse, but i'll get is sooner or later i guess. the reason i could never finish a song before is because i would get stuck early on in the song and i would never do anything to get over my writers block. but this time i read some of the lessons on here and i was REALLY determined. now i just gotta polish up and write the melody (i'll prolly add an acoustic part after that) and then ill b done.
Quote by Pinto111
Well thank you for your contributions to this discussion. I'm glad you kept it intelligent


,___,
[O.o] - O rly?
/)__)
-"--"-

,___,
[¬.¬] - ya rly.
/)__)
-"--"-
#6
i polished up the song. here's the final draft:

NUMB


Verse 1
The words, they just won't flow.
My pen just doesn't know
What to say when it's put down on the page.

Chorus
My mind has turned numb
as i try to take words from
my heart and make them come alive.

verse 2
exhausted, tired, and wanting
I need to think of something
anything to make me satisfied

chorus
My mind is still numb
I've tried to take words from
my heart and make them come alive.

Bridge/outro
now the numb has left
leaving me with tiem to rest
Quote by Pinto111
Well thank you for your contributions to this discussion. I'm glad you kept it intelligent


,___,
[O.o] - O rly?
/)__)
-"--"-

,___,
[¬.¬] - ya rly.
/)__)
-"--"-
#7
I don't like the repitition either, and I'm not too keen on the bridge, the personification (giving an in-animate object human qualities) is brilliant though. It's a little bit short and the message you are trying to put across isn't too clear. Keep working on it and don't rush it! Please crit mine, see sig.
I defecate all over my clothes to get extra protected
Roses are Red
Violets are Bitchin
God Dammit Woman
Get Back in the Kitchen
#8
It was meant to be short. and the reason it's not too clear is i just wrote whatever because i had writers block. but it's basically about some who has writers block and they're trying to write a song, and can't.

about the bridge: this is probably MY least favorite part of the song. i dont think im even gonna write a melody/chord progression for this song, mayb just for practice.
Quote by Pinto111
Well thank you for your contributions to this discussion. I'm glad you kept it intelligent


,___,
[O.o] - O rly?
/)__)
-"--"-

,___,
[¬.¬] - ya rly.
/)__)
-"--"-
#9
Listen to Rabbit Run by Eminem, same kind of topic.

I reckon your on to something here; writers block is a common frustration and many can relate - try picking up on the finer points of it; most could associate trying to tear your heart out (like you said); whack it out on your sleeve and smear it all over the page, squeezing the thick-blooded creativity right from your very arteries, like a lactating monkey might cover a nearby Baker's Oven window with his nipple fluid. Well, maybe not that last part.

But it takes a bit extra, and paintballkid (I bet you've got a sickk job), i reckon you could put that in. I really liked the personification of the pen, and that took one stretch. It's stretching from simply your heart (a nice piece of imagery for the theme), into say...

as i try to take words from
my heart and make them come alive.
i listen to my ribcage,
and hear no sounds from the inside,

Pumping the same blue blood,
Round these tired veins,
I'll need more than oxygen,
To free me from these chains.


La de da. Consider yourself critted. Critter.

6/10.

11,000/10 after my improvements. Tara
Once We Were Anarchists
#10
Quote by Danny7
(I bet you've got a sickk job),


what? lol and i dnt listen to eminem.
Quote by Pinto111
Well thank you for your contributions to this discussion. I'm glad you kept it intelligent


,___,
[O.o] - O rly?
/)__)
-"--"-

,___,
[¬.¬] - ya rly.
/)__)
-"--"-
#11
I just assumed you were a paintball leader lol. And meh, I was just saying, you might be able to draw some inspiration from it anyway. Any part of my crit helpful btw? I was joking about the 6 - 11,000 thing, I just think you could do better 2nd time round easily. You've got the ideas you just need to kind of wild out on them a bit.
Once We Were Anarchists
#13
tater- i crit'd lights in heaven.

danny- i'm actually not a paintball 'leader' i play recreationally in my spare time, when i have the $ (which i havent had in 2 years. ) and i think i did better on my secong song (see my sig title:if you leave) and your crit was very helpful, thnx
Quote by Pinto111
Well thank you for your contributions to this discussion. I'm glad you kept it intelligent


,___,
[O.o] - O rly?
/)__)
-"--"-

,___,
[¬.¬] - ya rly.
/)__)
-"--"-
Last edited by paintballkid26 at Jan 14, 2009,