#1
last night, out beyond the county line,
i found a marble statuette
that i swear i've seen before
she left her stained sun dress
strewn beneath a clothesline
and led me out to the orange grove.
we picked the juiciest one
we could find and traded bites.

i stood on a cloud and waved down
to all the people below me,
not worried about the descent.
she stood in the middle of the grove
catching raindrops
in a bucket.

i fell inside, splish-splashed,
created ripples and swam
trying my hardest to reach her
when she dipped her finger in,
but she dumped it down a stormdrain
and the water rushed into
a retention pond.
i glanced around at the other droplets
spreading away slowly
and realized what she'd said was right:
i was one of a million.

ots. c4c. it needed to be written.
#2
we picked the juiciest one
we could find and traded bites. = enjambment that didn't work for me.

Infact most of the enjambment is a bit off, so maybe it's important, but to me it interrupted the flow a bit, but that's like the pot calling the kettle a pot. So yeah anyway, this was overall good, the ending was effective and I'm glad I read it.

Like I said Corey, sometimes you're too good, here though you're just damn good.

bump mine or something
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1040596
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
Last edited by Something_Vague at Jan 7, 2009,
#3
Blackdotted, although I doubt I will be bale to say anything.

And S_V, I think you're the only person here who calls "line breaks" by their proper name.
#4
This swerved all over the place and was very good for that reason. Also because it was happily sad. You have a knack for creating very fairy like depression. If Tinker Bell was a manic depressive, this is what she would write.