last night, out beyond the county line,
i found a marble statuette
that i swear i've seen before
she left her stained sun dress
strewn beneath a clothesline
and led me out to the orange grove.
we picked the juiciest one
we could find and traded bites.

i stood on a cloud and waved down
to all the people below me,
not worried about the descent.
she stood in the middle of the grove
catching raindrops
in a bucket.

i fell inside, splish-splashed,
created ripples and swam
trying my hardest to reach her
when she dipped her finger in,
but she dumped it down a stormdrain
and the water rushed into
a retention pond.
i glanced around at the other droplets
spreading away slowly
and realized what she'd said was right:
i was one of a million.

ots. c4c. it needed to be written.
we picked the juiciest one
we could find and traded bites. = enjambment that didn't work for me.

Infact most of the enjambment is a bit off, so maybe it's important, but to me it interrupted the flow a bit, but that's like the pot calling the kettle a pot. So yeah anyway, this was overall good, the ending was effective and I'm glad I read it.

Like I said Corey, sometimes you're too good, here though you're just damn good.

bump mine or something
Last edited by Something_Vague at Jan 7, 2009,
Blackdotted, although I doubt I will be bale to say anything.

And S_V, I think you're the only person here who calls "line breaks" by their proper name.
This swerved all over the place and was very good for that reason. Also because it was happily sad. You have a knack for creating very fairy like depression. If Tinker Bell was a manic depressive, this is what she would write.