#1
Right, well, these are the first lyrics I've ever written by myself, so...

They suck. But, I figured I should show them to you guys anyway! I pretty much just finished them now, and they're a bit cheesy, but, oh well, maybe they can be improved by your wonderful criticism!

When I Fall

Verse 1:

Can you see me?
Can you feel me?
Can you look me in the eye?
Or do you die inside?

Do you care to recreate,
commiserate,
the hate,
you left with me to hide?

No, I don't care,
If you're not there,
and, God, I swear,
that I won't lie...
What's the point in trying to hide?

Although I love you,
what do I do?
You always knew,
but I don't mind...

I don't mind...

Chorus 1:

If you hate me, I don't care...
All this pain I've learnt to bare...

Verse 2:

Are you crying,
for the lying,
that caused the dying
inside me?
Why can you not see?

All that love,
that worthless love,
that sacred love,
that just won't be...
Is draining my sanity...

Chorus 2:

If you hate me, I don't care...
All this pain I've learnt to bare...
I know I've lost it all...
And you'll be laughing when I fall...

Bridge:

I've gone numb,
I feel like scum,
I'm a disease,
cure me please...

Chorus 3:

If I hate you, do you care?
All your pain I've learnt to bare...
We know we've lost it all...
But we'll be laughing when we fall...


Well, yeah, those are the lyrics!
I'd love you guys to tell me what you think, so I can make them not-so-bad!
C4C, whatever that means... What does it mean?
#2
Not bad for a first piece, not bad at all.
First Stanza: First two lines were good, the second two didn't flow right. Try to reword it so theyre at least the same # of syllables
Second Stanza: Same thing.
Third Stanza: I don't know about this one. You change the emotion from loss to anger, or that's how it feels. If that's intentional, keep it. If not... I would rewrite this stanza. Either way, the last rhyme feels forced, and I would get rid of "God" in the third line.
Fourth Stanza: Back to the feeling of loss. The whole verse could easily just be three stanzas and cut out the one that's third right now.
Chorus: Change learnt to learned.
Alright. Well, based on what I've said already, I would suggest that for the rest of it, check to see that the song flows smoothly. A good way to do this is to put it to music, even if it's not the music you plan to have in the final version. Also, say it out loud to see if any of the rhyming seems forced. Also, are you going for tragic loss AND anger? or just loss? or jsut anger? it's hard to tell.
Anyways, C4C means critique for critique. Anyone who crits your piece will expect a crit back. That includes me
Hope to see more posts!
#3
Thanks Hesh!
I was actually going for both loss AND anger, although maybe I should rearrange some things...

I actually wrote music first, so the song sounds REALLY odd just spoken, it fits more with the music. I agree that I need to change the 'God', though. As for the chorus critique... I guess that's just an error on my part!

Thanks a lot!