#1
some merry-weather dew kiss
like the frosted flower to the lost bee
revives the warmth
and gets me going in the morning,
save sliding on the odd patch of ice
down the hill to the slow-driven road
where cars sail cautiously,
a tug boat stuck in pack and not moving,
the fog not really contributing.

couldn't be me though - i'm not the absent cloud
or rolling wave of cold,
just another snowman in disguise
as a man who's not bothered,
t-shirted and gloveless, senseless
from the numb that isn't there (to you),
dead-breathed
but a spin of the head and i'm smoking,
the dewy kiss is sharper, cold,
kissing glass from the fridge, the kiss
is not a kiss at all -

a lie, like snow when snow is seldom seen,
and where slush now forms are carrot noses
poking from the melted crud,
the mushy stuff scooped, gutter-buffed
before the grit goes down to grip
the tyres to the tarmac's back,
where eyes and noses drip down cracks -

is not a kiss at all,
in gloves and hats
at winter's mercy;

it's not a kiss at all -
when summer thaws
i'm winter's fool.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Jan 7, 2009,
#3
There is none, there's a few passive lines thrown in but nothing "old-timey". Forgive me if I'm wrong, but I'm not
#4
I think you're one of the only true technical poets here. I mean that as a compliment. You write beautifully, but always with form and structure and poetic device. I loved this.
#5
Quote by Jammydude44


some merry-weather dew kiss
like the frosted flower to the lost bee
revives the warmth
and gets me going in the morning,
save sliding on the odd patch of ice
down the hill to the slow-driven road
where cars sail cautiously,
a tug boat stuck in pack and not moving,
the fog not really contributing.

I felt overwhelmed by the dry imagery and action, there's too much going on, and every line I'm constantly switching scenes, image if this were a movie, it would be five quick scenes of vehicles doing nothing, and it took you ten lines to say some stuff about ice. It's just...what's here isn't really worth being here, and overall the lack of a point to your descriptions seems to overwhelm it's drifting nature.

couldn't be me though - i'm not the absent cloud
or rolling wave of cold,
just another snowman in disguise
as a man who's not bothered,
t-shirted and gloveless, senseless
from the numb that isn't there (to you),
dead-breathed
but a spin of the head and i'm smoking,
the dewy kiss is sharper, cold,
kissing glass from the fridge, the kiss
is not a kiss at all -

Meh, I just don't get anything from this except indifference, it's not the subject it's the way it's written. You don't care about what you're writing, so why should I?

a lie, like snow when snow is seldom seen,
and where slush now forms are carrot noses
poking from the melted crud,
the mushy stuff scooped, gutter-buffed
before the grit goes down to grip
the tyres to the tarmac's back,
where eyes and noses drip down cracks -

Huh, "are carrot noses" doesn't make sense grammatically, and is a stupid image as well. I just see an orange boner poking up from some melted ice. This is just a bad stanza, "the mushy stuff" is stupid as all hell. Writing the word tyres instead of tires makes me want to punch you for being so oblivious. Ending a stanza in crack...it's just there is little poetic feeling to this poem. What makes this piece you? What makes this unique, nothing and that's kind of why it sucks. I could envision this in some dirty book by a bunch of no ones gathering dust in the thrift store. "Poetry for a Bargin."Stop being safe, and write something with heart.

is not a kiss at all,
in gloves and hats
at winter's mercy;

it's not a kiss at all -
when summer thaws
i'm winter's fool.

Half expecting a rhyme with fool, guess I was wrong. I guess the strength of this poem is that at least it doesn't keep going. Really though, stop pussy footing around being original and just be original. Who cares, this is a forum with a bunch of people who probably jerk off to anime, now is the time to grow as an artist.

Write something avant-garde, write something different.





matt.

do mine:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1040596
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