#1
You i know are beautiful but You don't know who You are wandering in Your dreamworld like some ancient fallen star dethroned of Your grace derobed of Your lace Your brain soaked up the acid like a street sponge so debase and if i told You what i thought of You You wouldn't notice it the veils just keep on falling and the layers are getting thick and this state is getting direr as you miss a dozen tricks and the wasters and the users words are sounding ever slicker now Your ears are full of grease since when did beauty gain release from all these tired inherent needs of want and lack of need of please and i could show You where to go and i could show You how to get there but as for what to do it doesn't matter i don't care

paranoid they call You soft self concious that You are everyone is blacker everyone's a deeper scar on Your countenance a trouble not worth dealing with e'er more a hindrance and a bore
WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR
cast them out Your private demons cut off all their forked tails grimace through Your laughter at their fleeing primal wails AND HANG THEM AT THE GALLOWS hang them all till You are FREE FREE of angry ridicule disconcert harmony
and if You cannot do these things:
Then you cannot be free.

Please note that the words "dethroned", "derobed" and "forked" should be pronounced as if there were an accent above the 'e's at the end of the words - I couldn't figure out how to put one on.
Last edited by stjimmee at Jan 10, 2009,
#2
I really like the first uhm, paragraph?
It had a lot of flow to it. Although when I read the second
half, I'm not quite sure it fits with the first.
Also, I don't get "everyone is blacker" don't you mean darker?
The words seemed to rhyme to much in the second half too.
The first half was okay since it made sense but the second
half, you likely have used those words just to make it rhyme.


I'd give this a 6/10 or more if you can change the second half

Good job by the way
Last edited by Rain83 at Jan 8, 2009,
#3
just a stupid suggestion here, but you could probably call this piece,
"You"

Also, I would do something else to emphasize that word other than all caps. try underlining or something