#1
So I just wrote this today about my views on war. It's from the point of view of a former soldier. C4C if you want, just say it. There was some controversy about previous songs I posted quite a while ago and me not giving proper crits, but if you give this song one I will be sure to return the favor Anyway, on with the lyrics.

---

Marching off from all I know in black and green
Never thought I'd tell the things I wish I hadn't seen
And while the times were tough
Sometimes it's not enough

And they said my country would remember me
They said we fought to keep our liberty
I didn't buy it at all
But they made me answer the call

CHORUS:
Marching in one at a time, to a battlefield of suicide
For a cause with which we're not sure we agree
What are we fighting for, Or do we not know any more
There was a time when we could say with certainty,
"To keep us free"

All we have to trust are government lies
Those we used to trust, power has made blind
You're not the one we chose
You're someone no one knows

We march to battle under blazing sun
And we won't stop until we've lost or we have won
And all those in our way
Didn't know the price they'd have to pay

CHORUS

BRIDGE:
And when I returned to my home
Came back to what I thought I'd know
The world seemed to have left me in the dust

CHORUS 2:
But we marched in one at a time, into a battlefield of suicide
For a cause with which I didn't quite agree
What were we fighting for, I can't remember any more
But now's a time when I can say with certainty,
"At least we're free"
Last edited by -Blue- at Jan 7, 2009,
#4
i liked it. really made me feel like i was hearing a story from a veteran of a war. somewhat of the same feeling of rooster-AIC. some of the parts seemed to sound particularly good, like "Marching in one at a time, to a battlefield of suicide"
Yea that's right, I want something to explode

I've been deaf, now I want noise

LOUD LOVE
#6
Quote by themetalbucket
i liked it. really made me feel like i was hearing a story from a veteran of a war. somewhat of the same feeling of rooster-AIC. some of the parts seemed to sound particularly good, like "Marching in one at a time, to a battlefield of suicide"

Never heard that song, I'll listen to it. Thanks for the comment!

And no, darkrikku, I don't have it tabbed out, but I do have a chord progression to back it. It sounds pretty good when I play it, might record it when I get around to it.

EDIT: By the way, if either of you want me to comment on one of your songs, just tell me which one.
#8
well, it's alright.
I agree on the foos thing, probably they've influenced you a lot (they did with me about 5 months ago)
But back to the song. The main problem here was flow. When I read it out loud to myself, it just seemed very rough. Now recognizing that this is a song, you've probably elongated some the words to fit the meter. But as a set of lyrics, it just doesn't read well.
The other problem with it for me was that you presented your views on war in a very predictable way. This is a problem for a lot of war songs. I think the best way to solve it is to try and think of some interesting aspect that isn't written about much, and focus on that. Another thing to do is try and come up with an original phrase that says the same thing but in a new way.
As it is, it's an adequate mainstream rock song. If that's what you're going for, keep it I guess.
#9
Quote by Hesh
well, it's alright.
I agree on the foos thing, probably they've influenced you a lot (they did with me about 5 months ago)
But back to the song. The main problem here was flow. When I read it out loud to myself, it just seemed very rough. Now recognizing that this is a song, you've probably elongated some the words to fit the meter. But as a set of lyrics, it just doesn't read well.
The other problem with it for me was that you presented your views on war in a very predictable way. This is a problem for a lot of war songs. I think the best way to solve it is to try and think of some interesting aspect that isn't written about much, and focus on that. Another thing to do is try and come up with an original phrase that says the same thing but in a new way.
As it is, it's an adequate mainstream rock song. If that's what you're going for, keep it I guess.



i kind of thought so to.
but it's beautifully written but I think it sound act as a better song if it was written more abstractly to the style of 3 doors down when they did a war song citizens soldier.

When getting your point across sometimes you have to sacrfice rythme and melody in songs which is the hardest thing to do.

So if you write it more abstract and maybe from a 3rd person point of view. Say a innocent hostage in the vietnam jungle you'll still keep the angst but put on a whole new idea to the war genre songs.

anyways yeah i wrote a poem not awhile ago its titled what i believe in.
#10
I think this is a good skeleton, but I agree with the above poster in that for this kind of piece, you really need to consider sacrificing rhyming. Or using really subtle rhymes, not obvious rhymes.l Obvious rhymes can detract from the piece if they're used to often. This kind of piece the focus needs to be on the story and capturin the emotion, not making sure each line rhyms with the one before or whatever. As it is, its okay, but really not special. This kind of song, it needs to be special.
#11
Quote by kdownes
I think this is a good skeleton, but I agree with the above poster in that for this kind of piece, you really need to consider sacrificing rhyming. Or using really subtle rhymes, not obvious rhymes.l Obvious rhymes can detract from the piece if they're used to often. This kind of piece the focus needs to be on the story and capturin the emotion, not making sure each line rhyms with the one before or whatever. As it is, its okay, but really not special. This kind of song, it needs to be special.

I returned comments to the two people before you, is there anything you want me to crit?

What I'm going for with this song is something that expresses my feelings about war, but is catchy enough so that people will easily remember it. The music for it is sort of generic rock, but just guitar chords being strummed and singing, so I think the lyrics go well with what I'm going for. For that reason, I'm sort of afraid to take away the rhyming thing.

And don't worry, as a song it flows better than just reading the lyrics. Some words also have a syllable taken out for flow as well as some that are elongated.

Thanks for the comments so far everyone!
#12
I can understand that. I think this is one you really need to hear, not read. If you want, can you take a look at "for alex". It's in my sig.
#13
That was ****ing great man. Great lyrics. I don't know if it's because I've been studying wars all day, but it was a moving piece, and I can easily hear it as a Symphony X song, or a Iron Maiden song, or even another Nickelback anthem on MTV.
Quote by esidebill
When I was very young... I asked a man why his guitar had 4 strings. He smacked me on the head and said "SON THIS IS A BASS". I have been afraid of bassists ever since.


Quote by Zecromancer
Those brightened my day
#14
Quote by Archaea_246
That was ****ing great man. Great lyrics. I don't know if it's because I've been studying wars all day, but it was a moving piece, and I can easily hear it as a Symphony X song, or a Iron Maiden song, or even another Nickelback anthem on MTV.

Wow, thanks. Have anything you want me to look at?