#1
EDIT Revised, added more the ending.


Hopefully this one is acceptable as I have now read the rules, if it is not, I apoligize and would be very greatful for an explanation as what I have done wrong, as I am VERY new to this part of UG

So, here is my first song, hope you enjoy, any tips would be weclome on how to improve it.


*intro*

The walls are falling, they're crumbling now
You stand by with your thougths...and do nothing.
The enemy storms the gates, and murders the town..
And still you stand...and do nothing

The blood oath is broken
the family betrayed
And yet you still stand, unbroken
Dismayed

And still you stand, alone.
And still you stand alone

When the final battle comes,
you wont have one ally that cares.
When the final battle comes,
You'll be the one who blankly stares

Your mind, is broken
Your body is numb
The killing around you, is mindless

As your brothers fall beside you,
in a pool of their own blood
You still stand, and do nothing

*echoes*

*bridge*

Nothing will stop them
Nothing will care
You stand by,
with you vacant stare

Nothing will end this,
this final onslaught
You know its the end
and still you stare

*second bridge*

*next section whispered*

You will all fall
The battle was fought
The bodies are broken

You stand on the field,
of the battle decided
Gazing on the corpses of
your child and wife

You smell the death,
so putrid and vile
You see it in the air
As your enemies close in...

As you take your final breath,
you realize only one thing.
It was all your fault
as you stood....and did nothing.


The astericks symbolize music sections.

Thanks in advance.

My things:
Bowes SLx7
Washburn WG587
Washburn X40Pro
Washburn X50
Washburn HM24
Washburn WR150
Laguna LE200s
Arietta Acoustic
First Act
Valveking 112
VHT Deliverance

Last edited by valennic at Jan 7, 2009,
#2
Lyrics were good.
I sung them to the music of Kreator,
fit in pretty well,
you might need to take a certain part from the beginning and
repeat it in the end.
to tie it all up.
but anywho,
pretty good.
Quote by deadringer13
xjosheex, you have made a simple answer to it all haha


Quote by Pr0gNut
I hope he gets a blood disease and dies alone and screaming.


I mean that in the nicest way possible of course.
#3
This is pretty cool. There is really good description of the onsluaght while the guy just sits there. It could be improved if you activate more of the senses, like the smell of the blood, or the shrieks of innocent children or something like that. Also, try to delve into the story behind this event in order to give it meaning. you start well with the blood oath taken and the family betrayed, but maybe give a some more clues as to why. Finally, i feel like your ending lines could have been stonger, with more weight than "the battle was fought." Nice job overall though.
#4
Quote by foxygrandpa
This is pretty cool. There is really good description of the onsluaght while the guy just sits there. It could be improved if you activate more of the senses, like the smell of the blood, or the shrieks of innocent children or something like that. Also, try to delve into the story behind this event in order to give it meaning. you start well with the blood oath taken and the family betrayed, but maybe give a some more clues as to why. Finally, i feel like your ending lines could have been stonger, with more weight than "the battle was fought." Nice job overall though.


Hm, yeah, I thought it was a tad weak in the detail department, I was just looking for the right area to go further into it , thanks. I revised the end a bit.

Thanks

[quote="'xjosheex :['"]Lyrics were good.
I sung them to the music of Kreator,
fit in pretty well,
you might need to take a certain part from the beginning and
repeat it in the end.
to tie it all up.
but anywho,
pretty good.

Kreator?

Odd

As I barely got into them about a week ago

Thanks

My things:
Bowes SLx7
Washburn WG587
Washburn X40Pro
Washburn X50
Washburn HM24
Washburn WR150
Laguna LE200s
Arietta Acoustic
First Act
Valveking 112
VHT Deliverance

#5
It was pretty cool, I liked most of it, something I'd like to point out however.

"Your mind, is broken
Your body is numb
The killing around you, is mindless"

The final line doesn't really fit with me. I'm not sure why, but I think it could be because it's longer than the other two lines and sort of disrupts the flow of it. I also don't like the use of "is" in all 3 lines. I think it would be better if it was "your mind, broken/your body, numb" etc. For the final line, to make it a little shorter, perhaps, "the death around you, thoughtless". I like the use of the word "thoughtless" more than mindless, even if you did keep it as "the killing around you".

Other than that though, nice work.
New To Town With A Made Up Name

In The Angel's City

Chasing Fortune And Fame
09/03/2012