#1
Ok new stuff, kinda weird how it turned out, we'll see if anyone can get all the random game references... Be patient and i'll try to get to your stuff


It's a war you can't win
When your enemies are scattered amongst friends
Or when one is both
Or both are one
Depending on how you word it
I never really thought that mattered
Now i'm certain
And you were switching sides, crossing the line
Like a game of 'steal the flag'
You'd come over just to tempt me
I'd end up getting tagged
Sent straight to jail
Without passing go, without collecting anything
Yet somehow you always managed to find 'free parking'
I paid for that house in the avenues and the hotel down the street
But when it comes to dirty tricks babe you got the monopoly
And truthfully i'm sorry that I sent you home so early
You were sliding with the reds, left me feeling blue- and green with envy

I know this girl who plays the game of life, but always plays to lose
Maybe you can connect four, here i'll give you a clue
Killed me quickly with her words in the living room
She has brown hair, no glasses, pretty smile, can you guess who?
It's funny, come to think of it she looks a lot like... You
I knew it was a gamble, I took the Risk and lost it all
My armies defended bravely but my empire did fall
You were playing games, I knew it all along
We've been in a chess match and I was only just a pawn

So i'm out, I quit, call me a sore loser if you so insist
But i'm bored of the games, just like you they won't be missed
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#3
I loved every single part of this. You must record it. Just from the lyrics i can tell this will be good. The rhming scheme was great and the wordplay was fast and clever. This is the kind of thing i'd strive to write. Also the first thing i've read of yours i've actually enjoyed. So there you go. I won't nitpick. I'll let someone else tear you a new one. I loved this.
#4
rad
Quote by Air Guitarist!
yeah if she starts gettin fat just punch her in the stomach once or twice a day

Quote by Martyr's Prayer
Spit everywhere, and just yell things at the crowd.

Quote by Virgil_Hart05
YOUR MOM (guitar) and YOUR OTHER MOM on drums
#6
So far i'm getting mostly one word adjectives besides kdownes but all the comments are apprec, thanks guys
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#7
Very detailed and well written.
The flow through out the poem is splendid, keeps you moving at an even pace.
a circle of filth all around the world.
-lifetech.
Last edited by Lifetech at Jan 9, 2009,
#8
It's a war you can't win
When your enemies are scattered amongst friends
You can probably drop "your" from this line, as the syllable count is big enough without it, and you already mentioned "you" in the first line.
Or when one is both
Or both are one
I feel the "or"s here really detracted from the idea here. Although the second may be necessary, the first is completely not, as you are expanding on the line before (so it should really be "and", if anything) not disagreeing with it.
Depending on how you word it
I never really thought that mattered
This line is far too wordy for the actual content it delivers. A wise woman once said to me, "You have to remember that as a writer, every word you put in has weight and this weighed the piece down." Yes Carmel, if you're reading this, I haven't forgotten.
Now I'm certain
And you were switching sides, crossing the line
Like a game of 'steal the flag'
Very nice flow. Although I've always known it as "capture the flag", and I'm not sure if the quotation marks are necessary.
You'd come over just to tempt me
I'd end up getting tagged
Sent straight to jail
Without passing go, without collecting anything
Yet somehow you always managed to find 'free parking'
I paid for that house in the avenues and the hotel down the street
But when it comes to dirty tricks babe you got the monopoly
And truthfully I'm sorry that I sent you home so early
You were sliding with the reds, left me feeling blue- and green with envy
This is all good. I'm not too sure about the way you put "blue- and green", the hyphen wasn't very nice flow wise.

I know this girl who plays the game of life, but always plays to lose
Maybe you can connect four, here I'll give you a clue
Killed me quickly with her words in the living room
She has brown hair, no glasses, pretty smile, can you guess who?
It's funny, come to think of it she looks a lot like... You [Capital Y?]
I knew it was a gamble, I took the Risk [Capital R?] and lost it all
My armies defended bravely but my empire did fall
I didn't like the syntax of "but my empire did fall", it felt wayyy too forced for the rhyme.
You were playing games, I knew it all along
We've been in a chess match and I was only just a pawn
Nice.

So I'm out, I quit, call me a sore loser if you so insist
But I'm bored of the games, just like you they won't be missed
It felt like a few too many syllables in these two lines, like you dragged them out to force the rhythms.


You capitalized the first letter of every line, and a few "I"s, but no "I'm"s, so I bolded them. Keep your grammar consistent please.

This was very nice, is it a song or poem?
#9
hey thanks a lot ginja, it's supposed to be a song, and yeah I know the grammar is bad, i did that in a memopad on my phone, usually I type them out on the computer so I'll go in a fix those, thanks for the comments, I owe you... thanks lifetech as well
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