#1
tear in eye
his esteem shot down
reached for a bottle of happiness

not so much of a cure
as a hiding place
a place in the mind in place of a plea

vision blurred, he swallows
another smirk, another, another
until empty
unworried, weary eyes shut
sleep ensues

waking up on a linoleum floor
choked up
violent spasm
mouth tastes of bile
sleep ensues
R.I.P. S.R.V. dimebag ain't got nothin' on you.
R.I.P. Hendrix... nevermind, god can't die
#2
are these intended to be lyrics?
If so, the linoleum floor line may be too long to fit in the melody...but nevertheless its not bad, man
#3
It's a great poem gives a good idea of what is happening on in the story.
Love it well done. poem 4.5/5
#4
tear in eye
i think you began to capture the essence of the experience
in the stark staccato phrase
but then you weaken it in later lines
by trying to be more complete.
you could stick with the pattern you set in this first line.

his esteem shot down
almost minimalist, but why his?
you could drop it, entirely.
you don't need the extra word.
and without it, we don't know who is having the experience
could be you, could be me, someone else.
the reader's mind can assign that.
makes it different for different readers.

reached for a bottle of happiness
could put that in the present with reach.
that way it keeps this unfolding as a sequence.
and break the last two words out into the next line by themselves.


not so much of a cure
i'd delete of
as a hiding place
you could flip hiding place
and make it place to hide
so it closely mirrors the next line

a place in the mind in place of a plea
break the last 5 words into their own line.

vision blurred, he swallows
break in two.
another smirk, another, another
break in two or three
until empty
you could drop until
and just have us arrive at empty.

unworried, weary eyes shut
i was thinking drop unworried
and add without worry
as the next line
what do you think?

sleep ensues
not really fond of this.
kinda pit-like
darkness falls?
light fades?

idk


waking up on a linoleum floor
wake up on
linoleum floor

waddaya think?

choked up
violent spasm
mouth tastes of bile
do you really need mouth?
maybe just taste of bile

sleep ensues


i dunno, maybe this moving farther away from what you want, rather than closer.
Meadows
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#5
I am in full agreement with everything SYK said, although i rarely disagree. When I read this, I thought, damn, this is really good, but it is let down by being overly wordy. I think, if you do everything SYK said, this will be tremendously good. That's my opinion anyway.
#6
really liked the line "another smirk, another, another, until empty" it makes me think of a bottle of smirks.
my other opinion is that it seems to be very poemish, and less like a song. the rhythm is there, but not enough to be a song, so it felt closer to free verse poetry in my opinion.
i thought it was really good, and I would give it a 4/5