#1
Ok, so heres a song i wrote just this morning, but i really like it. tell me what you think.

also, is penthouse one word or two?


Dear Penthouse Forum


Dear Penthouse,
I never thought this would happen to me.
Met a girl we made love of course,
but thats not the point, you see...
We got married, got jobs, had kids, got a dog,
and I've never ever been so happy, you see...
this could never happen to me...

Dear Penthouse,
Never thought this happen to me.
granddaughter was born the other day,
shes got my eyes you see...
Been retired for a couple of months,
I've been enjoying every risin' and settin' sun,you see...
this could never happen to me...

i hope you guys liked it,
Thanks
#2
Make it longer

Originality 4/5
Flow 3.5/5
Overall 3.5/5 Good job like it. C4C check out I can fly
#3
seems like there would be some changes up in those verses to make them seem like two parts yes?

if not, boy am I wrong.

I dig it, pretty much like a shackles of marriage thing, and I love how you relate it to penthouse. kind of like its a dirty thing...

But yea, needs more. and I think a seperate chorus that makes a statement on the seemingly dirtless ideals of life.... or something

but thats just my opinion. a Chorus is needed though.
"Whats that noise??"

"... Jazz"
#6
thanks for all the feed back guys.

i've been trying to write a chorus for it, and i've actually made a promise to myself that i wont record until its finished, just to make sure that i finish it

oh and ZaccB, the verses do have changes in them. the 4th and 5th lines are quite a bit faster than the rest, if thats what you mean.