#1
I can fly
above the sky
across the sea's
ooo i know i can fly

I know I can fly
doesn't matter how high
believe in me
I am not crazy

I think I can fly
away from this place
I am not ill
but I am not certain

I thought I could fly
they give me this pill
I am not well
will I ever get better


had an idea for this in my sleep. any suggestions? C4C
Last edited by Demarkos at Jan 11, 2009,
#2
Quote by Demarkos

I can fly
above the sky
across the sea's
oh yes i can fly

Ok, this verse sounds good, good introduction to the song.

I know I can fly
doesn't matter how high
believe in me
I'll prove it

this one is a good verse because of the lines "Belive in me, I'll prove it" I really liked them, and it made it seem like you were trying to convince someone, especially the "I know" part. this helps lend itself to the progession of the verses.

I think I can fly
away from this place
I am not ill
but I am not certain

this does the same as the last verse in progressing the whole story

I thought I could fly
they give me this pill
I am not well
will I ever get better

this is the surprise twist in the ending. I really liked it, and dint see it comeing the first time around. Only thing i didnt like was the last to lines. they seem a bit awkward, and maybe they could be reworded, but thats not rally up to me.





overall, i like the piece a lot. maybe just use some different words on those last few lines, and then it would be great.
#3
thanks, yeah i am not sure if i meant for that to happen but it reminds me of the whole Tv seris heroes but taken in a different concept.
#4
haha, I love it. It has this kind of "gotchya" vibe. Are you planning to do like a acoustic guitar behind kind of thing? It seems like it would work very well with some well placed chords.
Originally posted by J_Dizzle
THAAAANK YOU GoodCharloteSux is god
#5
Quote by Demarkos
had an idea for this in my sleep. any suggestions?
Yeah, go back to bed. It's not horrible, but it isn't fully cooked.

I can fly
above the sky
across the sea's *seas (plural,no apostrophe)
oh yes i can fly
simple declarations.
light, airy.
it has a bit of charm.
not much really said, but it sets a mood.


I know I can fly
doesn't matter how high
believe in me
I'll prove it
the last line sux.
too abrubt.
wrong sounds.
it just doesn't fit.


I think I can fly
away from this place
I am not ill
but I am not certain
this is a bit to purposeful.
you're using this to move away from certainty
fine.
but you need to do more to maintain interest along the way.
rhyme, rhythm, sonics.
you had them,
but they've faded by this point.

I thought I could fly
they give me this pill
I am not well
will I ever get better
i don't feel it.
you didn't do enough, previously, to keep me interested
this is all about you, but i don't feel what you feel.
you didn't show enough for me to become emotionally attached.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
Last edited by SomeoneYouKnew at Jan 9, 2009,
#6
thanks and no its not a song or anything like that. My accoustic bands in a lot of funnier stuff.

i.e. drugs, horny moms, ect.

but well said someone. My friend actually said the same thing. Just wanted to keep this poem light and airy. Didn't really work that hard on it.
Singer/Songwriter/Guitarist/Bassit/Drummer/Screamer/Marocka Shaker/Flute Tamer/Bio Chemical Robot Lover/Holographic Charizard owner/ Industrial waste polutionier/Stoner
Last edited by Demarkos at Jan 9, 2009,
#7
Quote by Demarkos
Just wanted to keep this poem light and airy. Didn't really work that hard on it.
well if you do decide to work on it, focus on the rhythm and rhyme. that can keep it light. those things make a piece comfortable to read or hear.


I can fly
this is like two iambs, with the first unstressed syllable omitted. good
above the sky
two iambs. good.
and the rhyme with the first line is good.
pattern established.

across the seas
two more iambs, but no rhyme.
not a problem.

oh yes i can fly
you open with a triplet.
two unstressed syllables, then a stressed syllable
this does not clash with the iambs.
it does make it a bit different
if you want, you can delete one of the first two words
neither of them are crucial
also, you set a rhyme pattern of AABA
it will be nice if you can continue that.
or whatever pattern you decide to adopt.


I know I can fly
back to two iambs. doesn't matter that the second is a triplet. good.
doesn't matter how high
this could be looked at as a triplet or an iamb in the beginning
depends on your point of view
in any case, basically two iambs
you rhyme with the first.
this is much the same as the first stanza
good.

believe in me
two iambs, no rhyme.
same as the third line of the first stanza
good.

I'll prove it
you can see now, why i said this line sux.
the rhythm breaks the pattern
the rhyme breaks the pattern.
you've derailed.


later the rhythm becomes a bit more complex
not a problem, in itself
but you need to at least maintain the original pattern of ending lines on a down-beat.
and you don't.

and from this point on, rhyme goes out the window.
that's the biggest disappointment, for me.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
Last edited by SomeoneYouKnew at Jan 9, 2009,
#8
wrote chord's for this song ill record it and put it up once i get my friends mic.

edit: ahh very specfic detail for it thank you. Your right the i'll prove it That's why i changed it to 'I am not crazy"

it's simple sweet in to the point.
Singer/Songwriter/Guitarist/Bassit/Drummer/Screamer/Marocka Shaker/Flute Tamer/Bio Chemical Robot Lover/Holographic Charizard owner/ Industrial waste polutionier/Stoner
Last edited by Demarkos at Jan 9, 2009,
#9
finished recording the song uploading it now. It's my first solo project so be kind. Guitar & vocals all by me.
its in my account. Please tell me what you think
Singer/Songwriter/Guitarist/Bassit/Drummer/Screamer/Marocka Shaker/Flute Tamer/Bio Chemical Robot Lover/Holographic Charizard owner/ Industrial waste polutionier/Stoner
Last edited by Demarkos at Jan 11, 2009,
#10
you shouldn't bump your own piece like that. it will get closed now.

just edit your first post and include information about the recording and link to it.

to get your piece back at the top of the index, you comment or crit on other peoples work, drop a link to this one, and ask that writer for a return.

it's a pity this happened.
you seem to have been visiting other peoples work without being told.

read the rules, please.
that will help you from getting your threads closed.


*reported*
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.