#1
Kissable and quaint,
But I was never satisfied,
For under such fragile hands,
My heart only lusted for more,
And as I left in a cloak of shame and hunger,
In a rush of the explicit unthinkable,
A vision shrouded in cloud and mist,
A frontseat showing for what was about to be undone,

O' The Betrayer, he heard me loud and clear.
My need for lustrous curves and glistening eyes,
To be held in soft hands once again,

But now he'll take my hand,
And quench my breath,

And show me that for a guttering need,
All I would find,
Is a map of tears across the floor,
And a frozen wedding dress left behind.
a circle of filth all around the world.
-lifetech.
Last edited by Lifetech at Jan 10, 2009,
#2
i was gonna say somethng about how it reminded me of TBS, and then i saw your sig lol.
i liked it a lot. very nice wording and writing style. the last verse or stanza or whatever is beautiful.


check out my song if you'd like.
its called "Dear Penthouse Forum"
(its nicer than it sounds...)
Last edited by gratefulduck at Jan 9, 2009,
#3
This was really really great.

(Welcome to UG, I hope you come to live here in S&L)


I think I would need to see more of your stuff to know if this will help, but anyway, this.
#4
Quote by ginjaninja
Welcome to UG, I hope you come to live here in S&L


Yes, I think this will be my home.
a circle of filth all around the world.
-lifetech.
Last edited by Lifetech at Jan 9, 2009,
#5
Quote by Lifetech
Kissable and quaint,
But I was never satisfied,
For under such fragile hands,
My heart only lusted for more,
"lusted for more" is a tricky line and slightly overdone, but i'm not used to straight writing so i think it works very well here
And as I left in a cloak of shame and hunger,
In a rush of the explicit unthinkable,
excellent line, perfect contrast/oxymoron
A vision shrouded in cloud and mist,
A front seat showing for what was about to be undone,

'O The Betrayer, he heard me loud and clear.
My need for lustrous curves and glistening eyes,
To be held in soft hands once again,

But now he'll take my hand,
And quench my breath,

And show me that for a guttering need,
All I would find,
Is a map of tears across the floor,
And a frozen wedding dress left behind.


is that a quotation mark at the beginning of "O the Betrayer" or the abbreviation for "oh"? if it's a quote, that was never closed, and if it's abbreviation, it needs to be after the O.


but the above is some pretty tough nit-picking. i often have trouble getting to grips with actual defined writing as my stuff is pretty over the place but i had no problems here. the last stanza was great especially.

you have a very good vocabulary as well that you use to great effect. overall, this makes me feel very glad that this forum, at least, is not being run over by illiterates, like so many others.

i look forward to more of your stuff. i'd appreciate you checking this out if you've got the time: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1041737
⚑⚑⚑⚑⚑
Last edited by RPExecutor at Jan 9, 2009,
#6
Wow. Breathtaking! loved it. Can't wait to read your next piece.
Singer/Songwriter/Guitarist/Bassit/Drummer/Screamer/Marocka Shaker/Flute Tamer/Bio Chemical Robot Lover/Holographic Charizard owner/ Industrial waste polutionier/Stoner
#7
Quote by RPExecutor
is that a quotation mark at the beginning of "O the Betrayer" or the abbreviation for "oh"? if it's a quote, that was never closed, and if it's abbreviation, it needs to be after the O.


Corrected.
a circle of filth all around the world.
-lifetech.
#8
this was a really powerful and original piece. Had a real breath-of-fresh-air feel about it. You've got a real interesting style of writing and i must admit, I'm hooked.

Welcome to S&L, btw.
#9
Thank you Kdownes.
a circle of filth all around the world.
-lifetech.
#10
Great work, I like the way you worded everything, it's unique and flows well, but still easy to understand.

My lyrics seem to come out too straightforward, and bland

Again, great work.
#11
Thanks Overdrivend.
a circle of filth all around the world.
-lifetech.
#12
not bad
nice use of words
i guess the TBS usage is intentional
Reaching for the sun
one may forget
the feet which
ground him
Last edited by bigbirdfan at Jan 11, 2009,